I feel disgusting, not gross but so fucking heartbroken I can't even function or slow my heart rate down. Everything, I do EVERYTHING FOR HIM. Anything he wants, he gets. I'm a good girlfriend, I've been trying to be everything he wants but after 9 years and seeing him do the same thing... I don't think my happy ending is coming.
He'll never admit what he did, and I'll never confront him. Because then... that makes it real.
My body isn't perfect like it used to be.
I'm depressed all the time.
My anxiety is all time high.
I lost my daughter.
I can't drive.
I don't have my own place...
Ha... I guess I don't blame him.
What do I have to offer but a warm body that'll do the job?
I want to scream
Yell
Punch stuff and cry
My heart is beating out of my fucking chest but I'll blame my anxiety because... if I dare voice this.
If I fucking dare let him know I know.
He'll get mad, he'll blame me, he'll say he doesn't know how it got there.
He'll say he got hacked.
He'll say anything... besides the truth.
Why I have no idea, he's obviously willing to pay girls to fuck with our family's money.
The other caylee girl? Come on... there's probably more...
And my fucking heart is shattered... but I don't see me being able to handle this pain much longer.
I lost my best friend
I lost my dad
I lost my babygirl
And I lost him a long time ago
Fuck I wish I was prettier
Or skinner
Or fucking anything...
Adam's words burn into my brain, "Christian doesn't fucking want you either and he never will your a fucking damaged carcass"
Sure am, and he sure won't.
Fuck, god please lord have mercy Jesus Christ tell me IM THE SKITZO ONE... plz
I can't fathom this
Fucking hurts
Fuck
Dec 8 2020
I bite my tongue so hard every time you act like I don't know.
Like I don't know you were gonna pay a girl to have sex
On Wednesday, tomorrow.
You think I don't know about Caylee.
You think I'm so oblivious and can't tell... I'm not what you want.
But I won't say it.
I won't dare fucking repeat out loud what I saw with my own two eyes on your phone.
I've given you absolutely every aspect of my being... everything.
I went to jail to PROTECT YOU
And your telling some girl you wanna pay her to fuck.
A PROSTITUTE
Or you were intimately cheating on me with that Caylee girl and god knows what else.
My brain can go on for fucking hours in explicit detail of everything that would entirely shatter my heart
I wanna kill myself, when I read those words my heart dropped to my stomach...
it's not fair
I deserve you
I fought for you
I stood up for you
And you took that and fucking spit on it.
So I won't say anything, I'll pretend I don't know.
I'll play oblivious, fucking dying inside.
Because YOU WILL BE THE ONE TO ADMIT IT.
I won't.
12/09/2020
I love you, I'm trying to hard because if I don't I won't try at all and if I go back down the whole of waste I won't come back again.
Your so worth everything in life
I love you
Fuck
2022
I love myself more than you, im letting go.
My heart is at peace.
