Every single thing I knew about you I held close to my heart.
I know you hate certain clothing materials, I was always conscious of that when I bought clothes so they wouldn't make you uncomfortable.
I know you hate the noise of my markers when I colored so I'd be sure to always make sure you were listening to music or just do outlines.
I know you love corn, every time I made dinner I included it as a veggie just to make sure you ate some type of vegetables.
I know you like being woken up with coffee, so I'd set an alarm a little early just to make sure I had a cup ready for you once you woke up. I know you love music, it was your safe haven most days, and for awhile it was what always brought you back to me even for a moment after days of being manic. I know you love cuddling at night, but I had to be the big spoon. Holding you made you feel safe so I did it every night even if I was more cold. I know you were obsessed with my breaded chicken, so I'd make it at least twice a month exactly how you like it, with corn of course. I know that some days were to hard for you to stay awake, your depression and anxiety got the best of you and I'd wake you to eat breakfast lunch and dinner then let you rest, at night I'd get ready for bed kiss you head and whisper in your ear I'll never leave you, no matter how hard it gets.
That's all things I know, just scratching the surface because I better than anyone know you. The burst of good and far and few in between good moments. I know you.
But things I thought know I now realized aren't what matters and most aren't true anymore, I need to stick to what i KNOW, facts and truth. If I stick to what I know there's a slim chance I can make you happy enough to not him me and sometimes even be nice.
What I now know is nothing I could have done would have stopped what you would inevitably do. I now know, the little and big things meant nothing and I'm helpless against loving you and letting you destroy me.
I know you beat me.
I know you called me names.
I know you mentally, psychologically, and physically broke me down.
I know there's nothing I could have done and trying harder never worked.
I know I can't make any excuses for you anymore.
I know my love was enough, but you couldn't handle it.
I know I loved you fiercely, and I tried absolutely everything before I left you.
It's hard to focus on the toxicity instead of the rare good moments.
It's hard to imagine wasting so much time loving you, then getting destroyed by you.
It's hard to swallow that I tried, and it wasn't enough.
My Names A.S and my domestic Violence story will not be silenced, I will be heard.
You never will touch me again.
I will rise, and it's okay to remember the good. There was a time you were an extra amazing man. I was stunned and gave you a chance. But that was the beginning of my nightmare.
So instead of dreams of our wedding and daughters growing up. I'll dream about that gushing busted head you gave me with a metal . Over, and over.
I know I loved you with everything I had in me, and I know I tried so hard. But you won, I'm takin my life back. My hurt and pain will give me strength.
From now on I will make my life decisions based on actions, because I thought I meant so much to him and I don't.
I honestly don't know if I ever did.
