Moving Day
A gut feeling kept creeping into my thoughts every now and again I feel like an empty carcass
Doubt mostly,and lots of fear.
You see before this day, Abuse to me consisted of name calling, Choking me unconscious, pushing/holding me down and gripping me up real tight.
I had never been slapped, never had any marks on my face, never been directly struck by him yet.
The night before was really good, we didn't fight and we're ready for the day of moving into the new apartment with lots of good vibes. Or so it seemed..
You see my abuser most days was equivalent to a ticking time bomb without a count down. You know it's gonna blow up eventually, but you don't know when and each second that passes is a guessing game on your life.
We got to the house around mid afternoon, we packed up most of the things and we're just cleaning up. My abuser was aggravated because I wasn't able to be much help lifting heavy stuff. After taking a smoke break he checked his email and supposedly couldn't log in.
No contemplations.
Not once did he think any other possible reason for him not being able to log in had nothing to do with me.
See I was the "hacker". Any and everything he was CONVINCED without a doubt that I "hacked".
If only I was as smart as he thinks I am.
He got angry quick, demanding I admit to hacking his email.
My answer was always the same, and the hardcore truth. I didn't do it, and I won't admit to something I did not do.
For that, he always made sure my body ached.
He flew me across the living room, my head bounced off the hard tile floor, hitting the plastic dust pan and immediately snapping it.
I was dizzy.
Sorry.
That's a word I never heard after that day, it was always in his eyes "deserved" or a "if you didn't do that I wouldn't do this" type of deal.
I had stipulations for existing in his twisted world.
I got up and tried to leave, he pushed me up against the bathroom door and I inevitably knew what was coming next.
He screamed in my face "Why do you always fuck with me you think this is funny". As he did that his hands... the hands I thought wouldn't hurt me anymore. I mean he promised, he meant it didn't he? When my eyes couldn't stay open anymore and I realized I was loosing consciousness from his hands I loved so much cut off the air as he strangled me I realized, he didn't mean it.
When I woke up minutes later I ran outside and lit a cigarette.
Catching my breath, slowing my trembling body, I sat on the porch floor holding my knees inhaling smoke wishing I could float away into the air as I watched myself exhale.
20 minutes passed by, I had not heard the car or anything so I was sure he was inside still maybe cooling down and he'd be better now.
The door was locked.
The car was gone.
The windows were locked.
My phone was dead.
He left me on that porch hugging my knees for 3 hours.
When he got back he told me to sweep up the broken plastic my head shattered like glass and we'd head over to the new house after.
About 2 hours later we were loaded up in the car, he seemed distant.
As we drove he asked me "Why are you such a whore?". Baffled I asked him what he was talking about, and he started rattling off names I'd never heard of and asking me who ransoms numbers he began listing out loud to me belonged to.
We argued in the car.
On the way to our new apartment.
Our fresh start.
Finally I had had enough of him saying I'm a cheater , and I made the worst mistake I could have by getting an oz of strength that was immediately burned from me.
"I'm not cheating, if you want me to so bad bring me, let's go right now and I'll give you what you want since me being faithful isn't enough for you!"
I never could have been prepared for his reaction, once the last word left my mouth it felt as if my face had been burned with a torch. It felt like I had an open flame to my temple, eye, cheek and jaw. His hands are big, so he got good coverage of the left side of my face.
A slap.
Who knew a slap hurt so bad? I was sure he burnt me, it burned and I couldn't see and it throbbed.
As the last word left my mouth he smacked me in my face open palm. His hand is so big, I regretted even responding to his accusations. I should have known better.
His brother was following us with some of our stuff in his car as we were heading to the new apartment. After the smack my body convulsed, I couldn't handle the burning it hurt worse than I ever imagined and my body shook and jerked myself out of the seat and on the car floor as I screamed.
He pulled over as did his brother and he started getting worried asking if I was okay repeating he didn't mean to smack me so hard. He seemed upset, I hated seeing him upset.
I got up quickly wiped my tears smiled although it hurt my jaw and I could barley see and the burning had worsened. I'm okay, I repeatedly told him I was okay and to relax and I'll handle it as his brother approached the car. I put my hair to one side and said everything was fine we just had a misunderstanding and was arguing.
We continued the drive, my face got more swollen, I was able to see out of my eye less, the burning never subsided until that night when I got an ice pack, and I told him I wasn't mad. I reassured him I loved him and I wouldn't say anything.
I told everyone my desk hit me in the eye as we were moving it into the apartment.
That entire night was like a dream, he was so sweet and kissed my face and I felt sorry.
Crazy right? I was sorry I'd said something to make him upset.
I was sorry for existing.
