The Secrets We Keep - Taekai

the one before our spring

"I need you to though." Jongin said, "I need you to tell me that sure you're not okay right now but that I'm not going to lose you."

Taemin nodded, "Can you hold me?"

"Of course. Scoot over some."

Taemin immediately moved further back in the bed and Jongin laid down beside him, pulling a blanket over top of them. Jongin grabbed hold of Taemin's waist and rolled them over slightly, to where Jongin was laying on his back and Taemin was on top of him. Jongin wrapped his arms tightly around Taemin's waist.

Taemin buried his face in Jongin's neck, breathing in deeply. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Taem. I'm your boyfriend and I'm going to be here as much and as long as you need me to be."

■

Jongin got used to holding Taemin as tightly as he could most nights of the week. Every night he would get a text with just a location - either Shinee's dorm or Taemin's parents house - or asking if Jongin was at the dorm, Jongin knew it had been a bad day and knew what his role would be for the night. Hold Taemin as tight as he could, physically holding Taemin together because Taemin couldn't hold himself together.

If Jongin went to either Taemin's parents or Shinee's dorm, he'd have to let himself in or be let in by Taemin's mom or dad - finding Taemin laying in a heap on either of his beds.

If Taemin came over to the EXO dorm, he'd be barely holding it in when he got there. Jongin standing in the doorway waiting for him, pulling Taemin into a hug the second he got close enough.

Their nights together would never be a consistent night of sleep. Jongin would wake up to Taemin crying, having woken up from a dream - whether it be a nightmare or not depended on the night - featuring Jonghyun in it.

There was even nights where Taemin wouldn't even let Jongin touch him in the slightest, but also didn't want Jongin to leave him alone. So Jongin would sleep on the floor on those nights - if he got any sleep at all, most of the time he spent the night laying there listening to Taemin breathe because he couldn't doze off due to being unsure of whether or not Taemin was actually okay.

The nights when Taemin wouldn't message him at all scared him the most. Jongin always feared the worst when that would happen. He never knew whether or not to rush over to Taemin's parents or Shinee's dorm to try and find him, or if he should take it as meaning that Taemin had actually managed to forget for a little bit - that he had maybe had a normal enough night and went to sleep normally without Jongin watching over him or holding him as tightly as possible.

■

"Do you think he's in hell for what he did?"

Jongin opened his eyes, tilting his head over to look at Taemin slightly - finding Taemin staring blankly at the ceiling. "No."

Jongin continued after a second, "Jonghyun was in pain, emotional pain - which is worse than physical pain most of the time. God wouldn't punish Jonghyun like that for simply wanting the pain to be gone."

"I just -" Taemin's voice cracked. "I just can't get the thought out of my head that maybe he is."

Jongin's religious views were a little more difficult to pin down than Taemin's. Taemin was Catholic, simple as that. Jongin believed in God, but he couldn't bring himself to believe that God would condemn Jonghyun to hell for not being able to handle the pain he was in anymore. He refused to believe that.