Hunger Point | Phan

Chapter Twenty-seven: Life without Dan

[ Phil ]

"I wish you two would stop being all coupley and cute." I told PJ and Chris—joking, of course, though I was a bit bitter.. seeing them together made me miss...nevermind—from the driver's seat of my SUV as I drove to pick up Zoe and Louise.

"We're not a couple." PJ insisted stubbornly, suddenly dropping Chris's hand like the contact had burned him. I glared at him through the rearview mirror for they were both situated in the back seat, and he avoided my gaze, shifting it to the passing world only separated by a thin layer of glass. I huffed, rolling my eyes. "That aggravates me even more than you two being gagworthy adorable." I noted with a frown, causing Chris to mutter, "Tell me about it."

Would you believe PJ actually looked guilty? Hopefully he felt bad—Chris didn't deserve this.

Neither does Dan. My mind tried to scold me but I pushed it far, far away. I was bad for him. I was the sole reason he was in a facility. It was my dad who fucked up his life. Everything he's endured is essentially my fault...and it's easier this way.

Turning onto Zoe's street, I soon climbed the small slope of her blacktop driveway, slowing the car to a stop, idling outside her detached garage. I honked the horn a few times, startling the two boys in the back, to signal the girls out. And for some odd reason it took Zoe ten minutes to climb in the car after Louise had already joined us. I got my explanation when I saw someone who resembled Alfie Deyes (computer geek, takes yearbook pictures, don't know much about him) ducking around the corner of her house as we drove off.

-   -   -

"Phil, why do you listen to such depressing music?" Louise inquired on the way to the movies from the her perch in the passenger seat. I simply shrugged and continued singing along, not allowing her question to faze me, "Tell me how you lost, Tell me how he left, Tell me how she left, Tell me how you lost everything you had, Tell me it ain't ever coming back,"

La Dispute lyrics happen to be bitterly ironic right now.

"We're seeing Mazerunner, right?" Zoe asked from the backseat, where she had climbed over Chris to separate him from PJ. Zoe was good with vibes and she felt tension and, of course, posed as the knife to slice it. "I want to see Annabelle," Louise piped up and I cut in: "But Mazerunner has Kaya Scodelario and she's from Skins."

"Exactly, and we all love Skins so we're seeing it. Annabelle another time." Zoe settled and Louise pouted, grumbling "Fine." while raking her fingers through her curls forlornly.

When we arrived, we payed and (of course) everyone dragged me to the concessions and I, actually, purchased popped corn and intended on eating some. I know that seems minor to anyone normal, but to me that's huge. I just hoped it wouldn't guilt me later. When the credits started rolling and I tossed a buttery piece in my mouth, Chris, who was seated next to me, leaned close and whispered, "I'm proud of you," Gesturing to the popped corn before he offered me a genuine smile, kissing my cheek. It made me feel good that he noticed and it also made PJ jealous because he gripped Chris's hand territorially after that, which made me feel warm. All-in-all it was a good night and I attempted at all costs to avoid reminders of how Dan should be here, his fingers laced through mine but I obviously slipped up a few times. The movie was great, though It felt weird to see Kaya play anyone otherwise Elizabeth Stonem. I definitely prefer Effy.

-   -   -

After the movie we left my car at the theatre and began walking downtown, planning to stop for coffee.

PJ and Chris were being all adorable and holding hands (and I made sure not to mention it this time) and Zoe had her arm draped around my shoulders and held Louise's hand with her free one. I felt like I belonged and it was so amazing but I still felt that gnawing in my chest saying Dan should be here. Even Louise asked right before we made it to Starbucks, "Where's your boyfriend tonight? Dan too good for us?" She was playing but it took me way too long to swallow around the lump in my throat to answer. "I broke up with Dan." I elaborated and Chris stopped in his tracks, dropping PJ's hand, whirling around to face me. "Why exactly did you do that? You had been pining over him for weeks and even didn't take advantage of me—which I do appreciate—because you loved him. What the hell?!" He demanded, crossing his arms over his chest. I squirmed under his gaze but kept my composure.

I shrugged, trying to pretend it wasn't eating me alive inside. "I'm too much like my dad. I'll hurt him." I gave my shitty excuse, sticking to my original story, frowning and pushing past all of them to continue walking. "It seems you may have accomplished that already." PJ called after me bitterly and I laughed sarcastically, turning on my heel very slowly until I faced him, jaw unhinged. "Fuck you, you tosser. How can you say that to me when you can't even admit you're gay—or bi or whatever—while you still continue to use Chris? You let him fuck you, and you enjoy it, and you hold hands and act all protective and territorial, though only half the time. And the other half, you could "never be gay" or "never love Chris like that". Go fuck yourself." I spat, stepping into the role of my father's son perfectly. I was just like him: cruel and selfish. But I couldn't help it right now, I was fuming. I wouldn't be surprised if someone alerted me I was foaming at the mouth or that my hair was on fire. That's how I felt.

PJ dropped Chris's hand from where he just reclaimed it in his, stepping closer to me. "I don't need to label myself and shove myself in a box, Phil, but since that's the only way you'll be happy—fine. I'm gay and I love dick and I love Chris and it scares the fuck out of me that I love him so much because my love for him is the one thing holding me together and if I lost him, I'd be off the rails. So that's why I'm like I am 'half the time'—because I'm scared. Sorry it affects you so much, but Chris knows I don't mean to hurt him." He said, practically shouting while everyone else remained silent bystanders, before taking a deep breathe and saying, much calmer, "Sorry to ruin everyone's night, but Phil, can you drive me home?"

I tried not to lose it before I dropped everyone off and let me tell you: it was the trickiest thing I've ever pulled off. But I did fucking lose it when I was alone. PJ was so right and I was such a dick, I have no clue who I've become. I'm not myself. Something in me has changed and I don't like it and no one else does either, it appears. I hate myself so much its almost difficult to fathom. I deserved to be yelled at tonight.

When I returned home, I ignored my mum's questions. I didn't care to fill her in on how much of a twat I was. But she stopped me before I could reach the stairs.

"Phil, where exactly do you think you're going—Because I have heard you cry yourself to sleep every single night since Dan went away, since you've been back, since you broke up with him, and when you're supposed to be going out and having a fun time with your friends, you come back either in tears, shaking and breathing fast, or you don't talk at all and your eyes are empty and you're just lifeless and..." She paused to regain her breath. I waited for the blow that never came. "I'm worried about you, okay? So where are you going?!" She demanded, implying my walking away from her, but I simply swallowed, answering her question: "I'm going nowhere."

And that meant more than she would ever know.

/  /  /

sorry for all the dialogue and so little action and emotion, I just needed to stress the words they were saying idk I'll shut up.

my apologies though okay bhye