Hunger Point | Phan

Chapter Eleven: For Dan

[ Phil ]

I coughed, choking on my sobs as I shook, watching Dan's unconscious figure. Back at school, PJ had consoled me during my breakdown while Chris helped us find a way to get Dan out of there. Now we were at my house, PJ and Chris downstairs, Dan and I upstairs: Dan on my bed, myself trembling in the chair in the corner. I wouldn't be alright until he woke up. And until then my thoughts will haunt me.

What happened after I left that was so bad to make him do this? So bad that he couldn't have talked to me? So bad he didn't want to breathe another second? He has to get out of that house. It wasn't good for him, being there. It wasn't a healthy environment, never was, never has been. Never will be. It's screwed him up. Not to mention, him saying he loved me..was that some attempt at a joke? Was he too delirious to know what he was saying? Was that his dying thought? Does he know I'm crushing on him? Did PJ or Chris tell him?

Taking a deep breath, I try to calm my shuddering sobs. I had to be strong when Dan woke up. I had to. Despite the way I was feeling. And I have to try and change my ways. I have to get help; see a real therapist instead of going to "support group". I had to do it for Dan, despite the risks. He was worse off than I was, anyway, therefore I needed to try and get better in order for him to. I had to be his lifeline, his safety net, I had to be there for him when he had no one else, I had to be his own personal support group. I would lift him up so he wouldn't ever get this low again. Even if I end up getting worse in the process. I'd fake it. As long as Dan was okay. We'd, together, overcome our depression, and eating disorders, and all the other disorders lurking in the back of the forest of our minds.

Or we'd die trying. Or I would, at least. For Dan.

- - -

When Dan woke up and was ready to tell me what happened, I was terrified. He may be ready to share, but I was not ready to hear it.

When he finished, I was even more terrified...of myself. Because I was so angry. At his mom. At that guy. He destroyed Dan after he was making progress. He destroyed me.

I was crying so hard, harder than Dan currently was. I was pacing from one side of my room to the other. I couldn't focus on anything. My thoughts were racing. I was breathing heavily. I was thinking too fast. Nothing seemed real. I felt like I was floating. I was scared. Worried. Angry. So, so angry.

But then I made eye contact with Dan and he pulled me back down to earth with his eyes. Rushing to the bed, I sat down beside him and hugged his frail frame tight. He was so thin between my shaking arms and I wondered if I felt the same to him.

"I'm so sorry, Dan. This is all my fault. I should've stayed the night. Or invited you over here. I could've prevented it." I mumbled, his head resting daintily on my shoulder, his breath tickling my neck when he spoke, "No, Phil. You had no way of knowing it'd happen. It's okay. Just please forgive me for earlier today. I wasn't thinking rationally."

I nodded, murmuring, "I'll always forgive you. I'm just glad I chased after you and my friends after me."

I looked down, our eyes meeting. His were glistening, a storm of emotions playing behind his bronze optics.

And since I just could help myself, and because resistance is futile; 'cause I mean he was so close to me I could nearly taste him, we were sharing the same air supply, and I wanted to patch up his holes and make him whole again, happy again; so I kissed him.

He kissed back, too. Fireworks danced behind my shut eyelids. But then he pulled away with a laugh.

He. Laughed.

Oh God. What he said in the bathroom was a joke. Oh god oh godohGOd WHAt hAVei dONE?!

With tears pricking my eyes, I stood, quickly dashing from the room. I felt way too claustrophobic in this house: I had to get out. Hopefully Chris and Peej would watch Dan, because I was gone; to where, I don't know. I just needed to leave. I was so stupid. I can't believe I actually kissed him. I can't believe he laughed. I'm so stupid. I couldn't let my feelings get in the way if I was going to help him. I'd have to ignore them. For Dan.

| › chapter tomorrow (I think), cheesecakes. c; ik its short but i'm updating tomorrow for you so donut hate me. ilyilyily. (';