Hunger Point | Phan

Chapter Forty-six: Suffocation

{ Dan }

"I'm going out now." Phil told me, tucking his head in my room. "Are you sure I can't come?" I asked, glancing up from my Manga, pouting. He scoffed, rolling his eyes playfully. "Im getting things for your birthday, silly!" He gave an excuse and I scrunched up my nose, glaring at him. "What if you get lonely?" I inquired persistently. For some reason, I didn't want him to leave… I couldnt put my finger on it. "Keaton's coming. I'll be fine." That's what snapped me out of it--that 'I'll be fine'. Because he wouldnt. He turned to leave and I jumped up, chasing after his receding footfalls. "Phil! Dont go, dont leave me!" I shouted, the sound scraping my raw throat, collapsing on my knees at the foot of the stairs. I heard the front door click closed and my heart sunk. He's gone. And            never         coming     back.

     "Come back! Dont go, I dont need a gift, dont go!" I screamed, not even phased when tears tickled my cheeks. He couldn't be gone. "I killed you, Im sorry! I love you, Im sorry…" I mewled, startled when I heard a sniff behind me. I didn't turn around. "You didn't kill him, Dan," Angie said, tears making her voice thick. "Oh god, it's been a month today, oh..no…" She noted and I sobbed harder, folding in on myself. My sunshine went into a coma a month ago. It rained today.

-   -   -

"Dan, The hospital called…They need you to decide what to do about Phil's life support contract... reinstate it or….you know…. I think maybe talking to your therapist before making this decision will be best." Angela told me, standing in my doorway. She's trying to make peace with everything. I'm stuck dwelling in the past.

        "You already made an appointment." I noted, knowing Angie too well. "Its in an hour." She said, crossing the threshold of my room, wrapping her arms around my shoulders in a hug. I didn't hug back, just let her hold me.

-   -   -

       "What does Phil mean to you?" Molly, my therapist, asked.

"Phil's like an angel to me…now even more so." It sounded weird to say it like that, even if it was true. I'd never had to explain it to anyone before. He had been the one waiting with open arms when I finally escaped my house, and the one who carefully glued the fragments of my sanity back together. He had saved me. And he had done it all while teaching me I was something worth saving to him.

       How would I ever function without him? How would I ever be happy again?

"I can tell how you felt about him," Molly said, and she sounded surprised by voicing that revelation out loud. "Your voice is different whenever you talk about him."

        "It is?" Now it was my turn to be surprised. "Different how?"

She shrugged, licking her lips, forming her reply carefully, as if the wrong words could damage me. "Proud. You sound proud. As if loving him was a privilege and you're not ashamed in the least. I think it's sweet."

        "Loving him was a privilege. I don't think I'll ever feel that way again." I admitted, throat tightening at the realness of the situation. Phil was as good as dead. I'd never, ever hold him or kiss him or get one of his breathtaking smiles again or lay with him or watch him out of the corner of my eye when I'm convinced he won't notice. He's just gone.

"Maybe you won't. But you have to learn to be okay with that. Because it is okay, Dan. His love was legendary and everything you ever wanted; sometimes that only happens once. You may never feel that for another person again. But that just shows the authenticity of Phil and your feelings towards him. Do you think you can accept that?"

       "No. I love him. I can't let that go." I admitted, eyes filling with hot tears. "But tomorrow is the date they'll take him off life support unless reauthorized?" She questioned and I nodded, sniffling. Instead of just fretting over letting him go, I should just reauthorize to keep him on longer. But if I can never let him go…he's like…alive but not. I need to make this decision. Now. I need to give him peace.

"I'm gonna call the hospital…and allow them to take him off tomorrow at midnight."

       -  six hours later  -

I had gotten off the phone with the hospital three hours ago. I had been crying for about thirty minutes into Angela's shoulder, letting the world crash down around me. I would truly lose Phil tomorrow at midnight. I can't get over that...I doubt I ever will.

       It doesn't feel real. It's like a shock. I forget about it for two seconds and everything's okay. Then it hits me, and the pain washes over me. It's like it happens all over again. I believe Phil was my soulmate, my one true love, and my best friend. We had our ups and downs, more ups than downs though very intense downs, but it was worth it. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He became a part of me, he made me who I am. How am I ever going to be able to let that go?

"I love him," I sob out, my tears splatterpainting her shirt. My heart is broken. I'm destroyed. I don't want to lose him. But I need to let him go. And move on, be in peace. "I know, darling, so do I." She responded, sniffling.

         Suddenly Keaton, little six year old Keaton, entered his mum's room, tears coating his little face. "I miss Phil." He moaned, hiccuping with sobs. I almost choked on my pain. How is this fair? To me? To Angela, Keaton, fuck, to Phil? He didn't deserve to die and we don't deserve to feel this.

He climbed up into the bed with us and we all cried out our pain until her phone rang. Angela answered, clearing her throat, wiping at her eyes. "Hello?" She listened for a second then gasped, a shock smile spreading across her face, tears of joy spilling down her face. "Oh my god, Oh my god, Seriously?…Thank you so much! We'll be there soon!"

        "What?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow. Her smile widened and she laughed, tone miraculous as she said, "Phil woke up."

// technically this is the end but there's an epilogue. And it may take me a sec to get it out because my boyfriend of six months dumped me and basically lead me on since we got together and lied to me the entire time and I'm fucking destroyed. But yeah idk. Enjoy. :3 ily guys. //