Story of a Girl

Burden

They tell you that it’s okay to cry. That it’s okay to miss someone. That they’ll be back or you’ll see them again someday. Well for me, I don’t live by that. I don’t think that it’s okay to cry. To me, it shows that you’ve grown weak or tired. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of weakness and have shed quite a few tears in my lifetime but most of the time, I allow myself to break down when I’m alone so no one can see how weak I can get.

          But right now, at this very moment, I have to be strong. Not for me and not for anyone else that’s around me, but for my brother. He was strong for me for whole life; the least I could do is be strong now.

          Even now with all the people surrounding me at his funeral, I still feel alone. More alone than I have ever felt in my entire life. Even with Ariel’s comforting grasp on my hand and Alex rubbing his hand on my arm to get rid of the goose bumps, there’s a hollowness inside me that cannot be filled. It belonged to Toby, and only Toby can fill the hollowness.

          I take deep breaths to steady myself, the pastor’s lips are moving but I can’t hear anything that he’s saying. Every now and then, I see him say Toby’s name and see him flash a sympathetic look in my direction. He’s not the only one that’s looked at me that way. Everyone has, but I ignore it. I don’t need their sympathy. I don’t need anyone’s sympathy.

          I’m seated on the front row; Ariel, Alex, and Scooter are seated with me. Even though Ariel and Alex weren’t related to him, heck, Alex didn’t even know him at all; I insisted they sit with me. Well, insisted as much as I could, I haven’t really said anything since the moment I woke up.

          Rita actually bothered to show up. She’s in the back with her latest toy which is going to last no more than two days. She made herself look somewhat presentable and is 90% percent sober and doesn’t reek of smoke which is a nice change. But I know for a fact that she’s only made herself presentable because she wants people to think that she’s a good mom when in reality, the title, ‘mom’ doesn’t even apply to her in the slightest.

          Ariel gently nudges my side, “Sapph?”

          I blink at her, acknowledging that I heard her. She nods to the pastor who is waiting patiently, looking at me with those sympathetic eyes of his.

          “What?” I whispered, confused.

          “Would you like to say a few words, Miss?” the pastor asks me.

          I hesitate. “Um, sure. I-I guess.”

          I slowly rise, ignoring the feeling of me being watched and take one hesitant step at a time up to the podium the pastor was standing at. He steps aside, offering me a smile. I clear my throat before trying to speak.

          “I didn’t prepare for this,” a nervous laugh escaped me, “I’ve never had to speak at a funeral before but um,” I paused, looking at the crowded church in front of me. A lot of people showed up much to my surprise. I mean, I know Toby was kind of popular at school but damn.

          “Anyone who knows me knows how close I was to my brother. They know how much I loved him and how much I loved teasing him when he got a new girlfriend.” I eyed Ronnie who was seated kind of in the middle, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

          “Those of you who knew my brother knew how amazing of a person he was. How he would always strive for what he wanted and he wouldn’t give up until he got it,” I bit my lip, looking up at the ceiling, “but there was another side to him. A softer side that he only revealed to me. I loved both sides of my brother, heck I still do and I always will. No one can ever replace my brother.” I whispered, a silent tear sliding down my cheek.