salvation [ l.f & m.h ]

Twenty Six.

I've wanted this for awhile now. I've though about kissing Josh and being with him since the day we met in this exact spot. But for some reason it doesn't feel like I thought it would. I keep kissing him though, hoping the feeling will come, but it doesn't. I tell myself it's because I wasn't expecting it to happen tonight. I like this boy. This is the boy I like.

Riley and Minkus come find me after awhile. Riley gives me the eyes when she sees Josh, his hand resting on the small of my back. She knows I've liked him for months. I've talked to her about him what feels like hundreds of times. Minkus offers us shots and we take them. I take a lot of them. After awhile my stomach feels warm and I can't stop smiling. We all talk and laugh and drink together. Josh stays pressed up against me the whole time. It's good because at some point it becomes hard for me to stand. I hold on to the counter and use Josh behind me to stay upright. Missy doesn't come back but none of us notice. After more drinks we head to another room to dance. Josh stays close behind me as we walk and Riley holds my hand, pulling me along with her. We dance and laugh some more. 

We dance for what feels like forever, but when Josh pulls out his phone I realize it's only been about an hour. I look over at Riley who is looking up at Minkus and giving him some intense look. He looks back down at her with the same intensity.

"I think I'm ready to go home now" Riley says, her eyes locked on his the entire time.

He grins. "Okay."

Riley looks at me. "Are you going to stay or?"

I think for a moment. My mind feels kind of cloudy. Josh is still close behind me and the warmth feels so nice. I turn around and look at him. "Do you want to come with?"

"Oh" He's caught off guard for a second, then he smiles and snakes his arm around my waist. "Definitely."

Riley pulls out her phone. "I texted Missy and she said she's with a bunch of girls from one of her classes... plus there's a guy she likes." She says with a smirk.

"Okay, let's go" I say, grabbing Josh's hand.

We walk out as a group. When I turn to close the door I see Lucas looking at me. His eyes dart to Josh's hand in mine and then back to my face, then they turn dark. He turns away as the door shuts. I stand on the steps for a moment, not breathing.

"You coming?" Josh asks from behind me.

I turn from the door. "Yeah, sorry."

Josh stares at me, smiling. I look up into his brown eyes. Something inside me wishes they were green.

When we get back to the apartment Riley and Minkus practically sprint to Riley's room, shutting the door as they enter it. My mouth is dry and I feel kind of out of it.

I head towards the kitchen. "You want something to drink?"

"Water is good, thanks." Josh replies, plopping down on the couch.

I down a glass of water then fill it along with another. Josh gets up as I walk over to him. He takes a few sips and then places his cup on the kitchen table. He takes a step forward, grabs my waist, and pulls me closer to him.

"Hi"

"Hi"

He leans down and kisses me. His lips are soft and his touch is warm. We kiss for a few minutes then I pull away. I don't know why I do it.

I shake my head. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it" He pauses. "Do you-"

I stop him with a kiss. I press myself against him and place my hand on his neck. He kisses back, wrapping his arms around my waist. This is better when there's no talking. The weird feeling isn't as strong when there's no talking. His kiss becomes more desperate, his hands travel up my back and he pulls me closer to him.

He pulls away. "Do you want to-?" He nods towards the hallway to my room. His eyes are wild.

I feel so confused. This boy that I've liked for so long wants me... so why don't I want him back? Stop. Of course I want him. This is Josh. I push my thoughts away.

"Sure"

I start leading him towards my room when we pass by a bunch of my paintings. They are all of the faceless man. Josh stops and looks at me.

"Are these yours?"

"Yeah"

"Can I look at them?"

"Um sure"

He wants to be with me and he wants to look at my art. I tell myself I have to like this boy. He looks at them for a moment, then at me, then back at them again.

He sucks in his breath. "Interesting..."

"Hmm?"

"You guys are good friends I guess."

"What do you mean?"

He looks at me and shakes his head. "These are all of that Lucas guy, right?"

Confusion rushes through me. "What? No they're not of anyone."

"Okay... It's obviously him."

I look down at the paintings and everything changes. The more I stare at them the more it becomes clear. It's Lucas.

It has always been Lucas.