salvation [ l.f & m.h ]

Thirty Five.

I pull my jacket tighter around my body as I walk the path through the park. The trees are completely bare now and the ground is scattered with the last fallen leaves. It's relatively quiet for a Thursday afternoon. Riley and Missy were both still in class so I had decided to go for a walk. The park was my favorite place to clear my mind. You could just walk aimlessly for hours and let your mind run. Today I was thinking about everything that had happened in the past few weeks. I had met Missy and she had moved in. We met Zay and Farkle and became good friends with them. Riley and Farkle. Everything with Josh. And the thought that seemed to be lurking in the back of my mind all the time now, Lucas. 

I shook my head, trying to get rid of the image of his face. I don't know how to act around him anymore. Everything was so much easier before I realized I had feelings for him. Now everything is messy and confusing. I feel like I can't move on because I can't tell him how I feel. I don't know what's going on with Lucas and Missy but I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize my friendship with her. Or him. 

I'm afraid that if I tell him, I will lose him.

All I have to do is push past whatever I'm feeling and move on from it. Maybe if I keep acting like everything is fine it eventually will be.

I take a deep breath and look around me. There are people walking and jogging and playing frisbee or football in the grass despite the cold temperatures. I notice a familiar face in the crowd and give a wave. He sees me and comes running up to the path.

"Fancy seeing you here!" Zay grins, leaning in to hug me.

I give him a tight squeeze. He's warm and smells like cinnamon.

"Hey!" I smile back.

"What are you doing out here? It's absolutely freezing!"

"I could ask you the same thing" I laugh. "I'm just walking, you know, clearing the head."

"Sounds therapeutic. I could use some of that"

"Very much so... There is way to much going through here at the moment" I gesture towards my head.

He raises his eyebrows. "Understandable."

"ZAY!" Someone from his group calls out.

"Duty calls!" He waves. "It was good to see you, Maya"

"You too!" I wave back as he turns to run to the other guys.

I pull my phone out of my coat pocket as I continue down the path. 4:47. Riley's class ends at 5. I decide to turn back and walk towards the apartment so I'll be home when she gets there. As I walk I see a little girl holding her parents' hands and giggling. They are all smiling, clearly happy to be together. I can't help but smile too, thinking about how loved she must be. It makes me think of my mom and how I haven't seen her since the beginning of the semester. We are both always busy with work and I have school so there never seems to be a time where I can go home to visit her. Thanksgiving is in a few weeks, though, and Riley and I will both be going home for that. I realize how much I miss my Mom. I'll have to call her this week to see how she's doing.

My phone buzzes and I look down to see a text from Riley in our group chat with Missy.

Will anyone be home when I'm done with class????

Missy replies within seconds.

no I have study group at 4:30 YUCK :/

I'm typing out a reply when I bump into someone on the sidewalk. 

I look up quickly but continue walking. "Sorry!"

I get a few steps when a voice calls out from behind me.

"Maya?"

I freeze. It's a voice I haven't heard in years but would recognize anywhere. I slowly turn around and see a man with dirty blonde hair, a little darker than mine.

"Dad?" My voice cracks.

He covers his mouth with his hands. "I thought it was you! I can't believe this!"

I stare at him unable to respond.

"You alright?" He asks, taking a step towards me.

"Wha- what are you doing here?" I ask, finally managing to get my voice working.

"I had a meeting in town and just decided to take a quick walk before heading home" He explains.

"A meeting? In town?" I stammer.

"Yes, a meeting." He peers at me.

"And you didn't think to call... or even text me?" 

The hurt washes over me. I shouldn't expect anything from him, yet I do. And he continues to disappoint me every time.

"Well-" He starts but I cut him off.

"You know this is where I go to school. You know that I live here and you didn't even try to see me?!" My voice no longer shakes.

He shakes his head. "It just didn't cross my mind. I guess I forgot where you were going to school or else I would have reaches out!" He tries to save himself.

"Don't lie. Once again you prove that the only person you care about it yourself" I say, turning away and walking towards the apartment.

"Maya wait!" He shouts.

I whirl around, my voice nearly a shout now. "NO! I'm done being hurt by you, Dad. A daughter shouldn't have to beg her father to love her!"

Tears stream down my face as I run the last blocks and turn a corner to my apartment. I rush up the stairs, unlock the door, and slam it behind me. I press my back against the door, trying to catch my breath. As I brush tears from my face I realize that I'm sobbing now. I run to couch and grab a pillow, screaming into it as loud as I can. I scream until I can't anymore.