I Saw The Lights Go Out - Carl Grimes

Chapter Fifty Nine - I Didn't Want to See

The atmosphere changed in the church with the sound of the door slamming shut behind Abraham. Everyone breathed out a sigh of relief attempting to clear the tension in the air.

With the threat of Gareth and walkers outside chatter stayed to a minimum as people crept timidly around the creaky church. Tara sat with Maggie and Glenn, she whispered to them with sorrow in her eyes. Noah huddled alone next to Beth's bags on the other end of the church diagonal to us. He looked worried, and for good reason. Tyreese stood guard at Gabriel's office door in which Sasha and Bob lay waiting for the time ticking down. The rest sat in silence holding each other close.

Carl dipped his head over to look me in the eyes. His swirled with every emotion, cloudy blue to mimic the way he was overthinking.

"What happened to you back there?" Carl blurted out in a whispered voice referring to my shaken state and flashbacks. The question wasn't harsh, his tone wasn't accusatory. Regardless of his pinched brows I gulped nervously not wanting to relive all of it over again.

I looked around to the others once more, scanning to see if any heads turned at the sound of his voice. None had, all minding their own business or simply didn't hear.

He reached across my knees to hold onto my hand. He softly slipped his thumb across my knuckles waiting patiently for me to answer. My stomach flipped like it always did, and somehow these nerves felt better.

"Well, I. Um." I stuttered and sighed, cursing myself for not even being able to get the right words out. Earlier in the night Carl helped me immediately, no questions asked and I couldn't even seem to give him a proper explanation. I let out a huff.

"It's okay. Take your time." He reassured me looking down at our intertwined clammy fingers.

"I-I was seeing things, bad things. Things I've seen before." I spoke slowly trying my best to explain what was happening while also trying to keep it between the two of us. He just nodded along encouraging me. "Well, I guess I was hyperventilating and shaken up from a close call outside the church and there was just so much blood. I guess my brain just flooded with every scary encounter not being able to cope." I talked fast and in a hushed tone trying to figure it out for myself. I held my breath for a few moments trying to calm back down. Carl waited patiently.

"I, at first I saw John, the man that took care of me after our group was raided." I looked at Carl quickly to make sure he recalled the story from when I first met him. He gave a nod, eyebrows raised in concern. "He looked fine at first. The normal handy man and dad-type John always was. But something was in his eyes, like he was about to snap. And then I blinked and staring back at me was those crazed dead eyes I saw when he tried to get us both killed. The same eyes I saw when I realized I was officially on my own fighting in this world." I breathed out slowly.

"Then I got scared and tried to look away but I was back at my camp. Hiding away, completely out of reach of the flames engulfing my people. I was exactly where I sat, watching my family get shot, killed, and burned." I trailed off struggling to choke back the cries attempting to escape my throat as I pictured my dying parents and friends, all screaming to be spared. I shook my head before continuing with a trembling small voice.

"But I closed my eyes, and I know I shouldn't have. I deserve to watch it, to feel that guilt and all the pain that they felt. And I just laid there. Unable to move in fear but I just had a second chance and again, I didn't move." A few tears escaped my eyes, quickly running down my cheeks and trailing down my neck. Carl looked like he wants to say something but held back. I took another choppy breath.

"The next time I opened my eyes I was in that alleyway of Terminus. But I wasn't running. Everything was quiet and I was standing face to face with all those carcasses. Those bodies that could've been mixed in with ours in a matter of minutes." I said with disgust and fear lacing my voice. Carl's face turned a mix of concern and protective anger. He squeezed my hand tight again surly relaying the vision himself.