WASTE • Carl Grimes

Four

Just because I feel some sort of sympathy towards a random boy mourning the death of his girlfriend, doesn't mean that I give a shit about his wellbeing. I've only cared about keeping myself alive and it's going to stay that way.

The only reason I even let him tag along is because it's what I would've wanted for myself, even if I do not want to be near any other human being for the rest of eternity.

I walk upstairs to one the available bathrooms and clean both my body and face with wipes that I had found in one of the houses I raided whilst knowing that it wasn't enough, but it was the closest thing to a shower right now since there is no running water.

And taking a shower in a river or any other body of water out there is exactly like walking up to a group of the dead and asking them to bite you.

I brush my teeth and take one small sip of what's left of my water to spit it out again before taming my hair and sighing as I look back at my own reflection, focusing on my features.

I didn't really get to do this everyday. I slept in the woods more than I did in houses, so I did not have the chance to take a look at myself and see how much I've grown, how much I've changed throughout the years.

And the change in my features was evident. My lips were plumper yet still dry, my eyes hold no emotion in them, and my cheekbones have become more prominent due to my lack of nutrition.

I rarely have as much food as I do today.

I didn't look like myself. This version of me is scared, lonely, and cold.

The total opposite of how I remember who I was.

With a soft sigh, I put everything back in my bag and walk downstairs, my hands going over my tight, black short-sleeved shirt and jeans, a pair of vans that I had found in an abandoned home covering my feet.

When I'm back downstairs, I'm met with Carl's back, no longer on the floor but sitting on the leather couch.

He looks up from the cereal he has been eating and at me, watching as I throw my small bag into my backpack and pull out a stale granola bar, plopping down on the floor with my back resting against the wall.

Pretending that I can't tell that he's watching me.

We eat our breakfast in silence, neither of us minding how quite the room is. Or at least i don't.

I can tell that he brushed his hair and changed the bandage covering his eye, for the once dirty-grey bandage had become all white and clean.

The silence is interrupted by the growls and moans of the dead right outside the door, banging on it as they try to get through to us.

I look up from my food and at Carl, who's not the slightest bit bothered by the noises in the background, continuing to eat his food in silence.

Once Carl is done eating, he stands up on his feet and takes his pocket knife out. I get up too and throw my backpack over my shoulders, both of us standing next to each other in front of the door.

" we can jump from the window upstairs " I suggest but Carl shakes his head and nods towards the door.

" or we can just kill them "

I shrug my shoulders and take a step ahead of him before swinging the door open, fully exposed to the dead standing right in front of me.

Carl and I kill three of the dead and walk away from the house as we dive deeper into the heart of the woods. The sound of twigs breaking and leaves crushing beneath our feet fills the silent air around us up until i decide to speak up, finally gathering up all my courage after realizing that If I'm going to stay with this boy for a while, then I deserve to know a little more about who he is.

I glance up at his back and jog until we're walking side by side.

Carl looks to his right where his eye spots my figure, perking an eyebrow up at me in a questioning manner before I open my mouth to speak up but end up pursing my lips together again and looking straight ahead of me instead.

Like I gave a shit anyway, he's going to leave soon.

Although I was willing to let what I had just done slide, Carl wasn't. I had gotten him curious.

Good job Luna you fucking dumbass.

" you wanted to ask me something, didn't you? " He asks in an anonymous tone that I could not assign an emotion to. I couldn't tell whether he was pissed or fine,

I keep my eyes on the greenery ahead of me. " not anymore " I say in a low yet confident voice, my lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed.

" alright, suit yourself " he replies and without having to turn around to face him, I knew from the annoyance laced within his words that he had rolled his eye.

He's sad, Luna, let this one slide. I think to myself before taking two steps ahead of him and continuing my walk without him beside me, the sound of his feet crushing a few leaves as he follows behind me fills the silent air.

•••

After a hot minute of stabbing and slashing, Carl and I found a house and have been sitting in silence the whole time, a rather comforting and nice kind of silence I'd say.

But Carl doesn't seem to agree with my description of the uncanny quietness around us as I catch him staring at me for longer than one is allowed to.

I would be able to tell if he was innocently studying my features like I had studied his own, but by the way his eye was set on my own pair, I knew that it was more than just that.

And ignoring such a strong gaze as his is rather uncomfortable and hard, for it feels like he's burning holes in me.

" better close your mouth before you start drooling, pirate " I roll my eyes, expecting that me informing him that I'm aware of his sudden action would be enough to make him blink and face away from me.

But he doesn't seem phased by my words, not one bit. On the contrary, he perks an eyebrow up at me and then knits his eyebrows together before speaking up.

" what did you do? " he blurts out.

" ask you to look away? " I shrug in confusion and he shakes his head.

" no, you know what I mean " he nods at me in one swift motion as he drags his leg up and rests his elbow on his knee cap, his other leg stretched out on the wooden flooring beneath him.

I do know what he means now, but I won't let him know that I do just yet.

I bite my bottom lip lightly and narrow my eyes at him, slightly tilting my head to further stretch out my not-so-real confusion.

" care to clarify? " I shrug.

" we've all done something " he replies, his eyebrows no longer knitted but rather relaxed as he looks back at my now nervous expression, the one I'm trying my best to hide.

I gulp and look away from him, knowing damn well that he would be able to tell that his question had shot back up an unasked for image from the depth of my memories based on the expression that I could no longer hide.

And if he wasn't able to tell then, he'd have to had figured it out by now.

An event that I had managed to shove away into the back of my head for the past few years, mentally promising myself to never go near anything that would push it back up again, is suddenly forced right up again, giving me no choice but to watch it unfold once again.

Breathe, Luna. Breathe. I mentally instruct myself to try and calm down, but it's so hard to do so when something you've tried so hard not to think about again is pushed back into your head, as the eye of a boy who has no clue who you are or what you've been through bores holes in your Irises.

" what did you do, Luna? "