In Real Life ✓

38. I Showed You My Dick Please Respond

Talking about our issues was good, but it didn't really help in making things less awkward. Gilbert and I had been dating for a few months now, so I guess it was to be expected that he'd be sexually frustrated. I understood, of course (it was only human), but now he wouldn't do anything more than kissing in fear of taking it too far. What am I saying? He wouldn't even invite me over anymore. It sucked.

In fact, it sucked so much, that I really couldn't care less about the DukeCockroach thing. People still stared and tried to talk to me, but I ignored every single one of them. I'd already announced on Twitter that I'd do a Q&A the coming weekend—which Charlotte had approved of—so they'd better wait till then.

Charlotte had been sending me messages about this and that all week, and I only took the time to reply to them because I knew I'd hate myself later if I just postponed everything. She was already trying to get us an artist for the merchandise and everything.

"Hey, Eve, can't you give me a shoutout?"

I gave Tamara a pointed look and replied, "You have like 3 Tweets and they're all about Jason Momoa. What will I be shouting out?"

"I'm sure Jason would appreciate it."

Leslie giggled. "Can you shout me out, too?"

"No, I won't be doing any shoutouts," I replied, bringing my phone back up to my face even though we were supposed to be doing homework. We were at Leslie's and her little brother had spent the first few minutes staring at me from across the room with wide eyes until I'd said, "Yes, Joshua, I am DukeCockroach, but I'm still your sister's friend, okay? We need to do homework, so please stop staring."

Leslie had told him to go to his room, which had not prompted us to start working at all.

I put my phone down again and said, "Hey, Leslie, I'm bored. Let me ask you a question. Have you given the sexuality thing a thought?"

"Oh, uh..." She fiddled with her pen for a moment. "I guess? I'm not really sure yet."

Tamara placed her chin on her hands.

"I did tell Tony I'd rather be friends, though," Leslie said softly.

"How'd he take it?"

"He said it was fine, but he was kinda quiet at school, so now I feel bad."

"Don't feel bad," I told her. "It's not your fault."

"Tony's not the only one who's been quiet," Tamara said, raising her brows at me and I rolled my eyes. Of course she'd notice. "Why's Gibbs not following you around anymore?"

"No reason," I said.

"Sure."

"Shut up, I don't wanna talk about it."

"Oh, come on. This is therapy hour!"

"No, it isn't. We're doing math and biology." I'd rather solve a million formulas than talk about my (sex) problems between my boyfriend and me with my friends. That was way too personal. Too awkward. No thank you.

"Did you two have a fight?"

"No."

"Then what happened?"

"Tamara, I just said I don't wanna talk about it."

"Why not?" Leslie asked. "I answered your question, too."

"It's too personal, okay?" I said, sliding my notebook closer so I could continue doing my homework. Albeit accompanied by deep sighs, Tamara and Leslie followed suit. But it was so quiet that it got awkward, and I knew that, with every second that I didn't talk, they would come up with more bullshit theories and that was even worse than telling them. Only God knew what they were thinking right now...

"Fine."

"Let me guess," Tamara said. "He's into BDSM?"

I banged my head on the table.

"Seriously, though. What happened?"

"We just..." I leaned back in my chair with a sigh and crossed my arms as I looked at the two girls on the other side of the table. "Okay, I will only tell you this if you give me advice."

They nodded.

"So... last week, we were making out, but he got, you know..."

"Excited?" Tamara offered.

"Yeah," I said, nodding. "I obviously stopped him because I'm not ready for that, and he started having doubts about our relationship and I—"

"Wait, what do you mean you're not ready? I thought you weren't interested in sex at all?"

"No, I'm not, but— Uh, how do I say this?" I groaned and dragged a hand across my face. How was I going to explain to them that I didn't want sex but wouldn't mind trying it with Gilbert eventually, for different reasons than why sexual people wanted to have sex with their partner? How could I explain how I felt about sex in general?

I needed something to compare it to that they'd understand...

"Okay, see it like this," I started, putting my hands on the table.

"You guys don't like broccoli—which I still don't get, by the way, but I digress. If you were invited by someone you really like for dinner and they served you broccoli, you'd eat it anyway to be polite, right? It's not like you'll die from eating it. In fact, it's good for you. I guess you could say nutrition is the equivalent of... feeling pleasure in this analogy," I muttered, frowning to myself. "Broccoli is not inherently bad, so— Anyway, you get what I'm saying, right? Doing something like that for your boyfriend... it's like, I don't know... You tell him the broccoli tastes amazing, and he smiles, and you're not hungry anymore, so..."

"So you wouldn't mind having sex with Gibbs if it makes him happy?" Leslie asked. "And you think it'll be... pleasurable regardless?"

"Yeah, basically."

"Have you told him this?"

"I... um, no."

"Well, that's what this is about, isn't it?" Tamara asked. "He wants to have sex with you, but as far as he knows, you don't want to have sex with him and that makes it hard for him to be with you. I'm not saying he's only with you for the sex, but... yeah."

"Yeah, I know. I know it's not like that."

"I think this relationship was just... not what he expected," Leslie added.

"I know," I sighed. "Does anyone even know what to expect from a relationship at this point? We all just jump into it expecting the best, don't we? We have no idea what we're doing. Do you?"

"Hey, I don't even know what my sexuality is."

We all burst out laughing.

When the laughter died down, Tamara said, "Well, you asked for advice, so here's mine, alright? I think you should tell him what you just told us, and he should decide if that's good enough for him. If being with you is harder than not being with you, you two might have to... break up."

I sighed.

"Sorry, Eve," Leslie whispered.

"It's okay. I knew this could happen. It was too good to be true."