the darkness inside us ; multiship

twenty one

Quinn sighs. "What are you scared of, kid? Tell me so I can tell you it's bull."

"It's not though!" Jack snaps, pulling away from her. "Everyone wants us to get together so bad, they don't see that we'd be awful together! I can barely take care of myself, what the hell makes you think I can take care of someone else? And you say it's permanent but you don't know." His voice cracks. "You don't fucking know. Nothing is permanent, none of us have control, it's someone else's world and we're just living in it. He's gonna hurt me, I'm gonna hurt him, it's gonna end bad, and he can't be another person who hurts me. Not him. It's easier this way, don't you get that? Stop it before it starts and no one gets hurt."

...

"It's not because he doesn't like you."

Alex freezes.

He looks up from his notebook and swallows back a gulp at the person standing in the doorway. "W-What?"

Zack crosses his arms over his chest. He's not smiling but he doesn't look murderous either, which, considering the size of his muscles and his ability to easily snap Alex like a twig, is a relief. "He didn't say no because he doesn't like you, Alex." He crosses the room and sits down on Ashton's bed.

"I don't...I don't understand..." He knows Rian's talked to Jack before, and from the way he confronted him...Alex isn't sure why Zack's being so calm about this. Rian was ready to kill. "Why don't you hate me?"

Zack shrugs. "Have you given me a reason to?"

"Jack's a mess," Alex chokes out. The words feel thick and foreign around his tongue. As much as Jack's rejection hurt him, he still cares about him, just as much, if not even more than he did before. He still has so much love for him. Jack's pain hurts him too. He'd gladly take it all if it meant Jack would live a life free from it. "He's a mess and it's my fault."

"Rian was right." Zack is shaking his head. "Goddamn, Alex. He rejected you and you're blaming yourself for his shitty episode? It's not your fault, that's bullshit."

"I'm being a baby." He can feel his throat closing up. It's getting harder to talk without crying. "If I wasn't taking it so shitty he'd feel better about it."

"So...lemme see if I get what you're saying," Zack says slowly. "His reaction to your reaction is your fault?" He chuckles. "Do you even realize how messed up that sounds? Alex, none of this is your fault. I didn't come here to yell at you. I came to explain."

"Explain?"

Zack sighs. "Jack, god I fuckin' love him, but he's so shitty at talking about himself. He's so fuckin' shitty at focusing on himself because he's too busy with everything and everyone around him. It's like he's making up things to be busy with because he doesn't want to think about his problems."

"Wh-What do you mean?" The panic is slowly starting to ease. Maybe he'll get some of the answers he's been craving since he met Jack. He would've rather they came from Jack himself, but if he's so against talking about himself, Zack is the next best thing.

"He doesn't care, Alex. He doesn't care about himself anymore. He doesn't like the attention, doesn't think he deserves it..." Zack sighs. "I know what you and everyone here think of him, but you gotta understand that it's an act. He's really good at that. Putting on a smile when he's dying inside? You'd never know. He's so fucked up but it doesn't seem that way because he keeps burying shit."

That hurts. All of this hurts. He's fallen so hard for Jack and the realization of how truly little he cares for himself is a punch to the stomach. On the bright side, he's starting to understand things a little more. Jack rejected him for a reason. And it's not because he thinks there's something wrong with him.