NSFW (MxM) ✓

• 10

Calvin

Ben,

Ever since I saw you pass out on that floor, I knew we were more than kindred spirits. Then when a drunken Ross told me you were gay, I had some sudden re-wire. Hearing that made me realize a lot about myself. I hadn't been with a man in over ten, twenty years? Though, I never considered my one experience with who was a boy at the time to be anything special. I never opposed being with a man, but maybe subconsciously, I did.

Maybe that's why I kept the stupid bet alive.

Just in case. Just in case the relationship fell through, I could always go back and say "It's okay; it was just for a bet." Needless to say, I could never ever write this off as a bet. I fell in love for the first time. Ben, you made me feel like no other person has ever made me feel. I'm sorry I made you feel worthless. I'm sorry I made you feel used. I'm sorry.

"Ugh, this sucks," I growl, crumpling up the paper. I can't write him a letter. No. I have to tell him all of that in person. The problem with that is I don't know if he ever wants to speak to me again. That's okay, I guess. I asked for this.

"I'm really sorry," Ross sighs. "I ruined everything for you and Ben. That's the last thing I wanted. You're like my best friends and it's my fault this happened."

"It's not you, Ross. Trust me when I say I love to shift blame, but this was my fault for buying into it. All I had to do was tell you no but I didn't. I went through with it."

"But you didn't care about it, not one bit."

"I did!" I shout, banging my hand on the desk. The Jack in my glass splashed onto my failed attempts to write an apology letter. "I cared about that damn bet more than I care to admit. It was a game for me. I wanted to play hard to get with him. He was so much fun to dissect and discover. It was the most rewarding experience. But not only was it exhilarating to finally go all the way with him, it was an amazing feeling to... to fall in love with him, all at the same time."

"He's never been more happy than when he's with you. He knew you loved him."

"I'm sure he's far from loving me now."

"It's easy to fall in love, but it's not as easy to fall out. Trust me. Give it time and he will come around."

"I'm so ready to explain everything to him. I want to talk it out with him. Even with the bad, I love talking to him. It doesn't matter if he's angry and upset. I need to talk to him about this now that I have a clear head."

"I'm sorry I went and told him about this. I just felt so guilty, keeping it a secret."

"You don't need to be sorry for this. He deserved to know." Ross smiles weakly and nods.

"I guess I'm going home," he says. I shake my head.

"You have been drinking, like me. You can sleep in a guest room. Head home tomorrow." He nods and thanks me, saying goodnight. I was initially mad that he told Ben, but it isn't like I was ever going to tell Ben myself. I am done blaming others for things I could have remedied and avoided.

I throw my clothes off and land in bed. How badly I wish Benjamin were in this bed with my right now. This'll be the second night not sleeping with him. Not even sex, just holding him and listening to his breath.

It's going to be a long one again.

• • •

Ross related the message to Benjamin for me, so he knows he's allowed to take up to a week off of work. Agatha was furious with me for hurting him so badly, but when I explained to her my feelings, she was merely annoyed I screwed up. She allowed me to give paid leave to Ben. I know he wouldn't be able to work under that kind of pressure, and seeing me around would make him upset. If I'm wrong, he can come into work at any time, but he has the option not to. He deserves that much.