Chasing Zero

Thirty-Two

"I'm staying nearby," he stated as he stomped down the aisle towards the exit.

"You don't have to-"

"You need someone there for you. I'll just sit on a couch nearby. If you need me, give me a signal."

"I can handle myself." I cracked my knuckles. "I have beaten you in quite a few arm-wrestling matches," I smirked as I exited the classroom.

"I will kick your ass one day."

"One day is not today."

Gray pouted as he followed me out of the classroom and walked down the hall. He sat on one of the couches and pulled out his phone, but he periodically would glance over at us. There were couches next to Sky and I, but neither of us made a move to sit down. There were people lingering around the hall or sitting in nearby classrooms, but since the Black Box Theatre was in one of the most private parts on campus, there was a low chance of being interrupted.

He kept his hands shoved into his pockets, and his eyes never wavered away from me. No matter how he attempted to inspect me, it seemed as though he was suffering just by staring at me, trying to figure me out. Maybe he thought there was a different side to me he hadn't seen before, one that was malicious and cruel. There was a side like that to everyone, but mine was not permanent, nor engraved on my back. My error was an honest mistake, and as long as I had the chance to tell him, I would.

I cleared my throat. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I need you to explain why you did it."

I straightened my back and stared him straight in the eye. "When we first began to talk, I told you about how I was trying to write a book. How if Dakota liked it, she would send it to her publishing team at Northwestern since she thought I had potential to be an actual author."

"I remember," he murmured.

"None of my books were passing. All the chemistry between the characters were wrong. Nothing was realistic, and I was criticized for it. Not that I could blame her, they were quite unnatural. I never had many friends growing up, so I lacked that human contact that allowed me to learn and grow from natural connections that would help me write out well developed characters."

"That doesn't explain-"

"Okay, no need to be a cliché and interrupt me," I chuckled. "I'm getting there. I can make friends if I'm given the chance. It's not hard for me to like people and want to be around them. What's actually hard is for me to sustain a romantic connection to people. I've never had romantic feelings for people before, and it never bothered me. The idea of dating someone never crossed my mind.

"But if I was going to write a romance novel, I was going to need personal experience in the romantic field. If I knew how it felt, I could write it. So when I realized you were interested in me, I thought I could learn about romance through you. I thought by being with you, it would help me write out an authentic relationship. You were merely my inspiration. My muse."

"Spencer, you were using me."

"For inspiration. That's all you were used for in regards to the book."

"Wait, what else were you using me for?"

"To figure myself out," I admitted. "Ever since I can remember, I've been told that once I find someone I love and share a special connection with, I'll no longer feel alone, and my soul will be complete. I saw a chance at happiness with you, and I took it. After feeling incomplete and like there's something wrong with me for so long and not knowing what it was, I was willing to take whatever chance I had in order to stop feeling that way. I wanted to find Zero, and from the moment you revealed you were pansexual to me, I had a feeling I could find it. And I think I did. It's just not with you."