Be sure to read Chapter Twenty-Eight before this one, as I did update two chapters back to back. Enjoy!
"I think I'm going to break up with Sky," I blurted.
Not exactly the best thing to admit in the middle of an empty photography studio while Gray was in the middle of snapping my picture, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. He was my best friend, and he was able to give me great advice when I needed it. This time was no different.
How was I going to go about breaking up with Sky? I certainly did not want to do it in a public place, but I also did not want to be alone with him. Who knew what kind of rage I would witness? Not like he was a violent man or anything, but who knew what was hidden beneath all those smiles and his lucky go nature attitude. Nothing good, but hopefully nothing too bad either.
"Well, we're not going to get any work done right now, are we?" he grunted. It really wasn't a good time. He had another photography project to speak an emotion through a few mere picture and facial expressions, and he chose me as his model, because he knew I would take it seriously and let him work me to his will. I was a mere marionette, and he pulled the strings.
"What's going on? Why do you want to break up with him?" he questioned.
"I don't love him the way he loves me."
"How does he love you?"
"He's in love with me," I stated. "He was all poetic when he was describing his love for me and how he loves me cause I have a beautiful soul and shit. He is still hoping that I will one day fall in love with him."
"And how do you feel?"
"I don't love him."
"Will you ever?"
"Then I would suggest you break up with him," he shrugged.
"That's it?" I exclaimed. "That's all you have to say? That I should just break up with him?"
"Are you not wanting to?" he slowly questioned. "Because that would be cruel on a whole different level."
"No, I want to break up with him."
"Then what more are you wanting for me to tell you? I told you so? I won't say that. How is that going to help you out?" he questioned with a roll of his eyes. "Look, man, you didn't know at the time. What you thought you felt for him was love, but it wasn't. That's common for so many relationships. People fall out of love all the time."
"I really do like him, I do, but I was never in love with him to begin with. I see and hear and read all these things about how people feel when they like someone, and I don't feel that way about him. Sure, I would question it at times, but at the end of the day, there was never anything but friendship there. And I am content with only feeling that. I am not in love with him, and I don't think I ever will be. I'm just worried that there won't be any friendship left the have when we break up," I explained.
"He really has become your best friend, hasn't he?"
"He means the world to me," I answered. "Losing him...losing him would be like if we all woke up one day without any water. Suddenly, we would all be left with nothing to quench our thirst and keep us alive and healthy. He means so much to me, and I've only known him for a few shorts months. This is how he feels for me, only he means it because he loves me, and I love him too. Just not in the way he does."
"In life, we have to lose the people we love the most. No one is going to stick around forever. No one has had a life long best friend, because all friends grow apart at some point. Sure, they may get back together again, but no one can escape the period of time where their friendship is put on the back burner for a while. You're going to lose Sky, so what? Does that necessarily mean forever?"
"Who cares if it does?"
"I do," I snapped. "I clearly do."
"Yeah, I know, but you said it yourself that Sky was here to help prepare you for something that would eventually come about in your life. Maybe that was all he was meant to do before he would leave your life for good. Were you guys meant to have an ever-lasting relationship?" he questioned.
"No," I grumbled. "But that doesn't mean he isn't still going to be someone who I will think about and worry about as well. I don't want him to leave my life, because he was supposed to change my life for the better. All I did was wind up forcing my feelings for him, but could you blame me? I had never felt a romantic connection to anyone in my life before I met him, and I still didn't when I did meet him. I thought forcing my feelings would cause actual feelings to sprout, but they didn't.
"What does that say about me? Am I some kind of freak cause there is a perfect guy standing before me, willing to give me the world, and I don't want it because I already have my own? One that I can create and erase and edit and revise all I want. I don't need a boyfriend, and I don't want one either. What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing. You've just found the voice inside of you that you've been searching for," he stated.
"But that can't be true. I have sexual urges, Gray. Real strong sexual urges. I want to pound someone into a mattress or have them do the same to me. I want my body to be explored and riveted, but that's all I want. I just want the lust that comes from relationships. Clearly, there is something wrong with me," I argued.
"If there is, then there's something wrong with the both of us," he shrugged.
"What? You're just...nothing."
"Want to rephrase that?" he chuckled.
"You know what I mean. Where there's romance, there's nothing there. That's nothing like what I'm feeling." I wasn't trying to poke fun at him or make him feel worthless, but there was definitely something different between us both.
"We might actually feel the same urges more than you think," he nonchalantly countered. "You can be sexually attracted to people but not emotionally attracted to them. Sex and romance are two separate things. For some people, sex is sex. For others, it's making love. If sex is just sex to you and love is not something you want, then that's okay. You can like sex and not want to be in a relationship. It's how I feel towards people. I like sex. It's like a task to do with people if they want to. That doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship, though. I never want to be in one, because I don't feel that emotional connection with people. I am perfectly content being on my own."
Maybe that was how I felt. It wasn't like I wanted to be in a relationship. Just thinking about one sent unnerving chills down my spine, and I feared for my own sanity. Romance was never appealing to me. I would watch shows and movies and read books, and when romance entered, I felt as though it was forced and unnecessary for the plot. I felt it was over used and pointless and that people didn't need love to tell a good story. My story didn't need love in it, and without it, I felt closer to zero than ever before.
"But, wait...I thought that if you had sexual desires for people, that would soon equate to romantic desires as well. But asexuals lack those sexual attractions, and that's why they're asexual."
"No, you can have sexual attractions to people but no romantic attractions. I love sex. It's incredible, but I don't feel any romantic attractions to people."
"And you're okay with that?"
"Completely," he smiled. "Are you?"
No romance. No love. Nothing romantic to happen between another person and myself. I just need me, myself, and I to give me the love I needed to not feel alone. I didn't need another person to fill up my soul and make me feel loved. I didn't need someone to be in my life in order to make my life be fulfilled. Friends and family. That was all I needed. And it never felt like a chant to convince myself. It always felt like the truth.
"Yeah. Yeah, I am. So...there's nothing wrong with me?"
He shook his head. "Not at all."
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Chasing ZeroGeneral Fiction
Life is full of positive and negative numbers. Everyone in a negative is striving for a positive number, and those in the positives fight hard to stay up there. Sometimes it prompts them to fall down into the negatives. But there is one number every...