The One Who Grounds Me (Book 1) (EDITING) (Completed) √

Chapter Fifty-Four

Tiana

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I stared at my mother's still, pale form lying underneath the white sheet. The smell of chemical floats up to my nose. I licked my dry lips. I had asked the doctors if I could have a few minutes with her before they pulled the plug. I've been sitting here for the past fifteen minutes, I haven't said anything as yet because I didn't know what to say to her.  What exactly I'm I suppose to say to the woman who has always treated me like shit? I took a deep breath.
"I spent all my life hating you for all that you've done to us. You know I prepared a speech just for you couple years ago, in case you overdosed on drugs.... but now... now... I don't know what to say to you. I didn't want this to happen as yet, not until I proved you wrong... I wanted to prove you wrong. Prove to you that I'm not a good for nothing. I wanted you to watch me make it in life just so that I would be able to throw your words right back in your face."

Tears rolls down my cheek. "...but now you're just lying here unmoving! Hooked up to a fucking machine! How I'm I suppose to feel? How? When I needed a mother you weren't there! You were always off fucking around with a married man or snorting coke! The only time you had time for me was when you wanted to mistreat me! Because of you I nearly lost my sister! And I did! I lost her! She left me behind because of you and even after her attempt at suicide you still didn't let up. You continued.... hitting me and blaming me for your own mistakes! You blamed me! And now.... you're lying here thinking that it's okay to die! It's not okay Angela! The Lord said... "forgive but never forget" but honestly I didn't think I have it in me to forgive you not after what you did to me! You remember a couple years ago after Melissa left? You remember what you did to me on that day?"

I touched my stomach.

".... I healed but the scar will still be there. The pain you left will never go away. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. I suffered ma, for years I suffered because of you.... I wanted to die. So many times but I kept holding on, I honestly thought I could make you love me, b... but it was impossible. Everything was impossible ma! You don't love me, you never did. In your eyes I was nothing. Even now I'm nothing.... all I wanted was your approval, your acknowledgement."

My body convulsed, as I sobbed harder. ".... I wanted you to love me! I wanted us to be a real family. I wanted so many things, but you know what I wanted the most?" I pushed my hair behind my ears. ".... I wanted a mother. That's what I wanted the most. What did I do that was so wrong mom? What did I do that was so wrong? It wasn't my fault you cheated on your husband, it wasn't my fault! I'm sorry for being an abomination. I'm sorry for being born! I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry for being a good for nothing. I'm sorry.... I'm sorry... I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry! What else do you want from me! I've done everything, every single thing ma! I can't, I cant... I can't anymore. You ruined me! You ruined me!"

Taking up her hand, I brought it to my mouth. ".... I tried mom, I tried my hardest. I tried." I let out a broken wail. I rocked back and forth on the chair. "I have to let go now.... I can't hold on to you." I pressed a kiss to her knuckles. "... before i let you go... I want you to hear me sing.... I revised this song, just for you." I sniffled. I opened my eyes, staring at her pale face, I opened and closed my mouth. After a while the lyrics started to flow from my lips.

'This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal
And you steal like you're a pro

All the pain the and the truth
I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused
I was broken and bruised

I licked my lips, taking a deep breath I belt out the chorus. I heard the door open, but I didn't turn to look. I focused on my mother's face.
Now I'm a warrior
Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior