Coffee & Cigarettes

Part 9

~

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don't."

- Steve Maraboli

~

"You're smoking again," Emma stated calmly as she turned to me. Her book still in her hand.

She had invited me over to hang out. For the most part, she had silently read as I played music. One of us only saying something every once in a while as we enjoyed just being in each other's company.

"How did you know?"

She frowned. "I could smell it on you."

"it's not that big of a deal." I lied.

Sure it didn't feel like a big deal, but I knew if anyone else found out they would make it one.

She turned back to her book. "Just tell me that all you're doing is smoking?"

"I swear," I promised and meant it. It was just smoking. I wasn't going to do anything else, not again.

I wasn't going to go there.

"Can you at least tell me why?" She asked blindly turning to me. Her hand still moving back and forth across the green book on her lap.

Things were silent between us for a moment. The only sound being her dad moving about downstairs.

"I guess it helps distract me," I answered finally.

Smoking gave me something to do besides worry about everything wrong with my life.

Emma sat her book down.

"Distract you from what?" She asked quietly. Her brown hair falling around her shoulders.

I looked away from her.

I shrugged. "From everything. From Vanessa, my mom, my dad, the guys, and- from you." I finally answered.

She sighed.

I turned to her. She looked tired. Small bags were hidden below her eyes.

"You know what the problem is?" She asked me as she frowned.

I didn't like knowing I was the reason she was frowning. "What?"

"You care so much about everyone and everything that it's bound to always hurt you."

I snorted as I looked away from her. "Is that really such a bad thing?"

"In your case? Yes. You know it's okay to just focus on yourself sometimes, right? It's not selfish to want to live a better life or to want to be happy. You deserve to be happy." Emma said softly.

I turned to her. I didn't know what to say.

Everyone kept saying I deserved to be happy, but did I?

I didn't think so. Maybe it was twisted, but a part of me felt like I got exactly what I deserved. I deserved to be alone. I deserved for everyone to hate me. I deserved to be unhappy. Everything was my fault and I deserved to pay for it.

It was my fault; all of it. I could feel my eyes beginning to water. If only I wasn't around...

If I wasn't around everyone else would be happier. It was selfish of me. I was-

I was snapped out of my thoughts as I felt a hand brush across my cheek.

I opened my eyes to see Emma. Concern was written across her face.

"Daniel, I-" She started but I cut her off as I moved her hand away and cleared my throat.

I couldn't talk about this right now. I needed to calm down.

Calm down, Daniel. You're freaking out over nothing. Relax. I thought to myself.

I stood up and walked across the room leaving Emma alone on the bed. She turned following the sound of my movement.

I needed space.

"So, what were you reading just now?" I asked changing the subject as I ran my hand through my messy hair. I needed a haircut.

"You're changing the subject." She said easily calling me out.

She was right. She was always right, but I wasn't going to admit it. "No, I want to know about your mystery book," I said quickly as I picked up the green book she had been reading.

"It's The Perks of Being a Wallflower." She finally answered.

"Are there any?"

"Any what?"

"Are there any perks of being a wallflower?" I asked curiously as I opened the book. The pages were covered in bumps.

"I think so," Emma replied.

I moved my figures across a page like I had seen Emma do dozens of times before, but the words remained a mystery to me.

I turned to her the book still in my hands. "Do you think you could teach me how to read this?

"You want to learn braille?" The surprise clear in her voice.

"Yeah," I answered and I meant it.

Maybe, if I learned to understand this then I'd learn to understand her a bit more.

A goofy smile spread across her face as she let out a smile laugh.

"What?" I asked. What was so funny.

"Nothing, it's just..you never seem to stop surprising me."

"Is that a bad thing?"

I couldn't help but think about how Ashley had said something similar to that a few weeks ago.

"Not at all."

Things were silent between us for a moment. I sat the book down. Now that we were talking I didn't want the conversation to end.

"So... how's Ian been doing? I haven't seen him around." I asked absentmindedly.

I hadn't seen him at all since I've been back. Heck the last time I saw him was weeks before I left.

We hadn't started out as friends, but I'd come to learn Ian was a decent enough guy.

I turned to her as I waited for her to reply only to see her frowning. She turned away from me.

Her voice broke as she finally answered. "He's pulling through, but it isn't looking so good. I'll probably visit him again soon to see how things are going but last time I went things seemed to be only getting worse for him."

I didn't know what she was talking about. But a sick feeling in my stomach told me it was going to be another one of those nasty little surprises I keep getting because I had missed so much while I was gone.

"What do you mean? Where is he?" I asked finally voicing my question. My voice soft.

"Shit, sometimes I forget how much you missed while you were away." She said tiredly as she hid her face in her hands. She turned to me. The frown on her face deeper. "Ian's cancer is back. He's in the hospital, Daniel."

[Published December 27th, 2018]

If you liked it, hated it, heck if you are indifferent about it I'd still love it if you could vote and comment on what you think.

-----------------------------------------------------

A/N: Daniel and Emma are hanging out again, stuff was said, and thoughts were had. Happy Holidays.