Doctor Said No Cliff Jumping

08| Fears

"It's cute how you carry her like that while she sleeps," Isla coos as I scoop Nala up, bridal style.

"No, I know she's awake. She's just too lazy to walk back to the room." I say as I look down at her peaceful form and see her lips raise into a soft smile.

"Goodnight guys," I say as I walk us to our room.

"Not many people can carry me." He mumbles into my chest and I vibrate with laughter as I walk down the corridor.

"Shut up you're not even heavy."

"It's my thick thighs and ass that weighs me down." She says with a satisfied smile and I shake my head.

"No, I'm pretty sure it's your ego" I reply and she slaps my chest with her hand.

I unlock the door by rubbing my back pocket against the sensor until it beeps and push the door open quickly, almost losing my hold of Nala.

Walking over to the bed I dump her down, ungracefully and walk to the bathroom.

"That wasn't gentle at all!" She calls to my retreating form and I let out a boisterous laugh.

"I had to pee for the past hour!" I yell from the bathroom and when I finish I catch sight of her snuggled up in the bed.

"I guess I'll just sleep on the ground," I say dramatically and she rolls her eyes.

"You're not sleeping on a hotel room floor Noah." She says, looking at the discolored carpet in disgust.

"Yeah, you're right," I say, changing into some sweat pants and a t-shirt.

"Especially not when there is a really nice computer chair that you could sleep on." The mischief in her eyes makes me roll my own as I shut off the lights and crawl into the bed.

"I'm not going to lie. I'm not sure if I'm a cuddler or not. You're going to have to deal with that." I say with a shrug as I pull the blankets over my own body.

"Noah. Don't hug me in your sleep." Her voice is playful as she gives me a 'stern' look.

"No promises," I say and it pulls a chuckle out of her. We lay in comfortable silence while my eyes are closed. I focus on the sound of her breathing, relaxing my body in the process.

"Why do you always wear that arrow necklace?" She asks with curiosity and I look down at the necklace that's usually tucked away. It's a head of an arrow, pointed down with the chain holding it up. It's very simplistic and small that I'm surprised she noticed it in the amount of time I've known her.

"My parents gave it to me when I was younger and I never take it off. It's a nickname the people I grew up with used to call me." I say with a smile dawned on my face from the memories.

"They called you Arrow? Why?" She asked, curiosity enveloping her face. My eyes travel towards her thick eyebrows that add character to her delicate face and I give her a sad smile in response.

"Not a story I'm so good at telling, I'll save it for someone else to tell you," I say, tucking the necklace back under my shirt.

Her understanding warms my heart, just the fact that she doesn't pry is endearing because I'm not used to that.

"Noah?" I hear her whisper.

"Yeah, Nala?" She set the tone so now it feels wrong to raise my voice in any way.

"What's your biggest fear?"

"Well, that was out of nowhere." I laugh out as I pull my gaze back to her, seeing her sparkling ones boring into me.

The question takes me by surprise because it eats at my subconscious daily. But, she doesn't know that. She takes my silence as my time to think about an answer and responds to her own question.

"I think my biggest fear is not proving myself. Not to others but to myself. I've been in this bubble for forever and if I don't burst out of it. I'd be so disappointed in myself." Her voice holds so much emotion in it as I look around her. Her leg is leaning against the wall and I could tell by the emotion that it's really something that doesn't just make people wary of her but holds her back as well.

"I haven't known you long Nala. But from what I can tell, you already proved yourself to me. So, I bet you will prove me right soon enough." She smiles at me and I see a faint dimple on her cheek as she snuggles into the pillow.

The silence rings in my ears as I feel my heartbeat like the knock of a door.

"Routines," I say and her eyebrows furrow together. "My biggest fear is a never-ending routine. Being stuck doing the same thing forever and not being happy."

"You're not happy?" She asks with genuine confusion.

"Oh sweetheart, happiness has been out of my reach for so many years I doubt I'll ever get it," I speak the truth, but her confusion is stuck to her face as my eyes roam over it.

"What do you mean?" She asks, eyebrows furrowed.

"I can't be happy if I've never truly been myself. You haven't known me long but I'm not the Noah I should be. I'm a product of expectations and dreams that were never mine in the first place." An emotion flickers over her eyes, but I look away before I can see that it's pity.

I'm a product. I'm a creation. I'm what others wanted and never what I needed, but it's gone on too long to truly change any time soon. I've succumbed to a routine lifestyle, and it's scary to give into your biggest fear every day.

"So, who's the real Noah?" She asks and I'm surprised, drawing my attention back to her.

"Wouldn't know. I've never met him before." My voice is a little hoarse from speaking the truth. I haven't really said this out loud before. Because... I don't really know who I am.

"Well. We're gonna find him, you and I."

"Are you sure about that?" I ask and she grins, holding her pinky finger out as a promise and I wrap my own around hers.

"I wanna be the second person to meet the real Noah." She says with a nod like it's the final decision.

"And who's the first?" I ask with amusement lacing through my words.

"You." She says with a lazy grin and reaches out and squeezes my hand while closing her eyes to sleep, not letting go.

And I hold right back and fall into a dreamless sleep.

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