I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend | Nikki Sixx

Chapter 55.

Trigger Warning: Talks Of Suicide

Carly's POV

I walked over to the kitchen, tears streaming down my face. For the first time in a while, I'm completely home alone. It seems like my life is going on a downward spiral, I'm usually a very cheery person but, being here again, things aren't good. I don't know how, but it's worse than before. Probably because Nikki isn't here knocking on my window to get me out of here, he's not here to take me with him all hours of the night, he's not here to save me from my parents. I felt more tears run down my face. Nikki, god I miss him. I haven't missed someone like this ever in my life. From the way I've been crying, you'd think I just had suffered the loss of a loved one.

I walked over to the knife block and pulled the biggest one out, I flinched when I heard the sound the metal made when it left the block. I quickly looked down at the picture of Nikki I had in my hand. If I can't have him here with me physically, I'll have him here with me like this. I'm scared of dying, it's my biggest fear. But, I can't do this. I cannot fucking do this anymore. I saw a tear fall on the picture in my hand. I took this picture of him a few weeks before he kicked me out, he's in the middle of laughing. I smiled a pained smile and wiped my tears.

I held my arm out and looked at it. Track marks littered all over my pale skin. I have nothing going for me, no parents who love me, I'm a drug addict, I don't have my best friend by my side anymore, I can't get away from this hell. Even when I was with Nikki, the memories of this hellish house haunted me everyday. I took a deep breath in and just did it, I gasped when I saw the gash and the blood immediately came pouring out. I dropped the knife and it hit the floor with a loud thud. I backed up until my body hit the fridge.

My body went into shock, I can't feel this at all and I'm thankful because I know it probably hurts like hell. I held onto Nikki's picture tightly to my chest as the room started to spin, this is it. I'm finally getting away from here. For good. I felt more tears leave my eyes. I'm all alone, my last moments of life are all alone. I dropped to my knees, as I felt too weak to continue to stand. I landed on the floor and rolled over onto my back. I felt the tears run down my face and soak my hair.

I took one last look at the picture before pressing it to my chest again, I felt my eyelids get heavy. I turned my head to the side and saw the huge pool of blood underneath my arm. My eyes started to close and my vision started to get fuzzy and the perimeter of my view started to get black. It's almost like tunnel vision. I cried out and shut my eyes.

I gasped and sat up straight in bed, I looked over at my arm and saw the scar from that day. I sniffled and realized I had been crying in my sleep. I looked around at the dimly lit room, I hung fairy lights in my room a while back so, my vision would be clear when I wake up in the middle of the night. As I was looking at my room, the tunnel vision came back. My eyes went wide. The room began spinning and my vision was blurred. Am I dying? I thought to myself. I shakily stood up from bed and looked around. The tunnel vision was getting worse. It felt like everything was closing in on me.

My breathing was getting uneasy, it feels like someone pushing down on my chest and someone is restricting my breathing and making my chest get tighter and tighter. My whole body went numb, it feels as if I'm not in my body right now. I feel utterly terrified. "Nikki!" I shrieked. I fell to the ground when I felt my knees buckle. "Nikki!!" I shrieked, tears freely falling down my face. It seems as if my whole world is crashing down around me. The tunnel vision is so intense that I can only see what's right in front of me.

I heard the door to my room being opened up and I heard running footsteps. I felt arms wrap around me. "Hey, hey, hey," I heard Nikki's soothing voice. "Carly, baby. What's going on?" He asked, keeping his voice calm. "I-I think I'm d-dying!" I cried. "I don't even feel like I'm in my body, I can't see anything, I can't really breathe, I-I–" "Shhh, hey. Calm down." He cut me off gently. "Listen to me, Starry Eyes, you are okay." "Nikki, I'm dying! It feels like I'm dying!" I sobbed. I felt him get up and I saw him sit down in front of me. I could barely see his face. "Nikki, I-I don't wanna die." I cried. "You're not dying, Carly. You're having a panic attack." He said. I felt his hands move down my arms and our fingers interlock. "Listen to my voice, okay?" He asked.

I shakily nodded my head. "Take a deep breath in with my count, okay?" He asked. I nodded again. "1, 2, 3, 3, 5.." he said, with each number I took a deep breath.  "Now, release on my count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5," he said. When he got to 5, all the air released from my lungs. "Repeat," he said. It went on for what felt like an eternity, it seemed as if no matter what he did, it wouldn't go away. Until finally, the tunnel vision slowly went away. My body got feeling back into it, and it no longer feels like something is pushing against my chest. I looked up at Nikki, who's face was being illuminated by the fairy lights.

"Thank you," I said, quietly. "Let's sit here for a while, if you get up too fast you could black out," he said. "Panic attack's really wear out the body." He continued. "How did you know?" I asked. "I could just tell, you're my other half. I always know what's going on with you." He said. I gave him a half smile. "I was so scared, Nikki," I said. "How did the attack happen? What triggered it?" He asked. I sighed and felt tears fill my eyes again. He took his hands away from mine and opened his arms up. I crawled over and sat down in his lap. His arms securely wrapped around me and his finger was dragging little patterns along my thigh.

"I had a dream about my suicide attempt," I said. "Every single detail was in that dream." I said. "I was scared and alone and I didn't have you, so I just had a picture of you–" "You had a picture of me?" He asked. I nodded. "I didn't want to die alone. So, I held your picture close to my chest when I passed out." I said. "Baby girl.." Nikki trailed off sadly, I felt him lean down and kiss my head. "I have dreams and flashbacks of that night everyday and it's haunting. I have flashbacks and memories about the abuse I went through when I was a kid and teen, too," I started. "At least a few times a day, I think about my attempt and all the things that my parents did to me." I said.

Nikki's grip on me got tighter and his lips press against my head again. "Baby, that's never going to happen to you again. I got you, okay? You're safe." He said. I buried my face in his chest and gripped onto his arm tightly. "I never want to feel like that again, I never want to feel like I'm dying again, I don't want to be alone like that again," I said, crying. He kissed my head again. "And, I promise, none of that will ever happen again. I'm right by your side. Always and forever." He said. "Remember? Till we're old and wrinkly." He said. I smiled a little. "I think you'll still look good even all old and wrinkly." I said. I felt his chest move as he chuckled.

"That's a relief," he replied. I smiled again and leaned back and looked at him. "Thank you for always being my hero." I said. "Hero?" He asked, looking at me. I nodded. "You saved my life, do you know how close I was to ending it all when we met?" I asked. "When you were 16?" He asked. I nodded. "You were the the light in my dark life, you showed me that life was worth living, you have me a purpose." I said. His eyes got glassy as he smiled at me. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, baby." He replied. "It's all true, you saved me. You gave me a home," I continued. "Home isn't a place for me, it's a person and seeing you is like coming home." I finished.

He smiled and leaned in and kissed me sweetly. I kissed him back and caressed his face. He broke the kiss and moved the hair out of my face. "You're my home, too, Starry Eyes. You have no idea how much happiness you brought into my life." He said. I smiled. "Ready to go back to bed?" He asked. I felt my body tense up. "I'll be right next to you, okay? If you have a bad dream, wake me up." He said.

"I don't want to be a bother–" "You? A bother? Not a chance." He said, smiling at me. I smiled and nodded. "Okay, I'm ready." I replied. He stood up and lifted me with him, bridal style and walked over to my bed. He laid me down and got in right next to me. He pulled the covers up over us and laid down. I turned over and faced him. "You're my favorite person in this whole world." I said. He smiled and wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into him. I felt him kiss my head again. He's always done that when he soothes me or calms me down and I absolutely love it.

I cuddled into his chest and shut my eyes. "You're my favorite person, Starry Eyes. Nobody will ever take that place from you." He said.

(A/N: Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Please vote, it's greatly appreciated! Feedback is always welcome! Okay bye👻)