In Real Life ✓

15. I Sexually Identify As An Attack Helicopter

"We were just waiting for you to admit it," Leslie added with a shrug.

They'd known all along... "Did anyone else figure it out?"

"I don't think so," Leslie said.

Tamara winked. "Besides, we know you."

I just sat there for a while, staring at my wall, deep in thought, and Tamara and Leslie watched me letting it all sink in. All this time, they'd known and they had never gotten mad about it. Never got confronted me or ignored me for the things I'd said. They found out about it and just... left it. They didn't mind. They didn't care...

"Okay, enough reflection," Tamara said suddenly, cutting through my thoughts. "You got high?"

"Ah, yeah, I did," I admitted. "Never gonna do that again."

"Your mom called me this morning, you know? She thought you were sleeping over at my place and asked me when you were coming back home. Where were you?"

"I was... I was at Gilbert's."

Leslie gave me a look. "You. And Gilbert. Got high."

"Yes."

"Uh, why?"

"He asked me out and then we got high. Which reminds me, tell me more about you and Darren, Tamara."

I saw her struggling for about five seconds, her eye twitching with the undying desire to keep scolding me and force me to tell her more about my own date, but, oh, her love for Darren was too strong! With a deep sigh, she stopped fighting and gave in.

Phew. Crisis averted.

When they were calm again, I told them that I'd taken only one drag from Gilbert's joint, on my own initiative, and that nothing weird happened, which got them off my case. (Telling them I really wasn't planning on doing it again helped.) And when I'd calmed down from finding out my friends knew about my internet persona all along, I asked, "Do you guys think I should come out?"

"As what?" Leslie asked.

"As helisexual," I said. "No, as DukeCockroach, you moron. I was thinking of just telling everyone my real name. The only people that really mattered were you two, so maybe—"

"Aww, Eve just admitted that she loves us!" Leslie screeched, throwing her arms around me in a hug so tight I got an instant asthma attack, and I didn't even have asthma. I hit her, which made her screech even harder. In the background, Tamara was scratching her chin thoughtfully.

"I think you could. Ever since we found out it was you, I've been watching your Tweets more closely, and I have to admit, they're twice as funny when you actually know what you're talking about."

"Yeah, well, I'm not really concerned about whether I'm still funny, Tamara," I bit at her. "I think my thirty million followers are proof enough of that. I just wanna know if it'd be safe."

"I think you'll be fine," Leslie said. "You never post rude stuff anymore and it's not like anyone knows where you live."

"They know what school she goes to, though," Tamara argued.

"Yeah, but—"

"Okay," I cut in. "I doubt strangers will come to my house to bother me. Look at all those YouTubers who tell everyone what town they live in. At the very worst, they run into their fans at the mall and hand out autographs or some shit. They don't get attacked or anything. But I digress. I meant, would I be safe from my classmates?"

"Yes," said Leslie.

"Definitely," said Tamara.

"But... all those things I said?"

"You've changed." Tamara smiled and put a hand on my shoulder. I glared at it, but... I'd allow it this once. "Besides, those things you said... it's all so long ago. Like, that whole thing with Joe is almost a year ago. I doubt they'd remember. And if they do, you can always just say you're sorry. None of it was bad enough that they'd actually get mad at you. You're making this seem worse than it is."

"I think you'll be fine," Leslie said.

"Okay. Then... I guess I will be doing my name reveal."