poems from a lonely girl

short story after being MIA for 2 years?? haha here's to me relapsing

monday

he smiled at me again. his umber brown eyes sparkled familiarly, and the way his silky brown hair bounced gently around his shoulders as he turned round to greet me would never fail to send a thrilling sensation through my ugly body, even in its weakened state.

like always, i lifted my cracked lips into my best impression of a smile back at him. my legs trembled slightly as i walked past where he sat to the very back of the grimy bus where i could collapse, exhausted, invisible & unnoticed by the other irritated passengers. the back of calum's head was all i could concentrate on in a half-hearted effort to remain conscious.

the dizziness shrouded my mind and the fatigue consumed my brain, but i couldn't pass out now, otherwise i would end up back in the hospital, sent there by some kind-hearted, well-meaning strangers. even they cared for me more than my 'friends', more than him.

what was i to him? a plaything, a toddler's toy? no, just a lonely girl, paler and thinner than most, but he had no reason to suspect anything more than genetics. my bus trundled along the empty road, each bump and jolt sent my heart rate spiking into oblivion. i couldn't breathe sometimes but i put it down to being unfit, not that my oesophagus muscles were too weak to support gas exchange.

the bus approached my stop and screeched to a halt. i clumsily clambered down, thanking the driver in a hoarse whisper.

a torrent of light-headedness swept over me unexpectedly as i took my first few lurching steps off the bus . i couldn't stop now, i always took the 'scenic' route home so i could burn off any liquid calories that i hadn't managed to throw up at lunch.

i clutched onto a rusty iron lamppost to steady myself before continuing on with my routine 10,000 steps. i was on a 3 week streak, i couldn't stop now. each day i was lighter, each day i was that one step closer to true happiness.

the paltry sips of tomato soup and the minuscule bites of pork fried rice seemed to weigh a ton in my stomach; a sign that i should be running, not walking off the calories. i should be getting rid of it all but my throat was still sore from when i did it twice at lunch.

i was tired, so tired. but i had to keep going.

friday

i got home late today, after running for an extra half an hour at my local park to burn off the 80 calorie protein bar that my friend gave me.

panting and shaking from the extra exertion, i opened the door and sat down on the sofa, wincing and examining my bruised knees guiltily as i did so. maybe i was being a touch too hard on myself. well, time to find out anyhow.

tentatively, i stepped onto the scale, feeling its cold material cut into my flesh. i could hardly bear to take a glimpse of the number.

105.6 pounds.

how did i gain 2 pounds?

i was planning to lose 7 by his birthday.

i haven't eaten since sunday when i had 4 green grapes.

i could imagine his disgust when he sees me, fat rolls and greasy skin like the disgusting freak that i was. i would hang my head in shame and feel his disappointment like a sharp cut on the back of my thigh.

my algebra homework could wait. i needed to do 30 minutes of sit ups and at least 6 rounds of HITT before i could rest. i needed to lose those last few pounds to finally be beautiful.