Fault

Chapter 1

"S**T! I'm late again," I cursed bitterly to myself, as I glanced at my phone which showed the time of 6:43 pm.

The bus was late for the third time this week! I was wondering how I was gonna explain it to my baby daddy, who was watching our 5-month-old son. You see, Trey wasn't the typical man who simply did things out of the kindness of his heart. In fact, some would consider him an average street ni**a who "had places to be." Truthfully, he was more-so the type of "ni**a" who was always broke and in between blessings. Nevertheless, in his eyes, watching Lil' Jamal was not a parental responsibility, but something like a favor.

Being late meant, I now had to endure a long lecture, various threats to never keep the baby again, and me ultimately paying for my son's stay. I'm struggling enough financially taking care of the baby on my own, so the thought of paying Trey to watch OUR son always made me sick to my stomach. I reached into my pocket to see what cash I had if any.

"$17 funky ass dollars! DAMN, this is just gonna have to be enough."

Reality hit again as I stood quietly in the summer heat, contemplating life. Getting pregnant at 18 and having a baby at 19 really changed things. While many of my friends are preparing for a Friday night out on the town, me and my son's night was basically over.

I had moved out of my parent's house the previous year, after graduating from high school with honors. Despite the countless warnings, I found myself battling everything my parents ever warned me about. Life was bitter at the moment, but at least the bus was finally coming.

"About damn time," I mumbled.

Suddenly, I felt the vibrations of my cell phone. The name on the screen caused me to cringe and debate whether or not to answer. Ultimately, I thought not answering would mean more trouble than acting as though I didn't hear it, so I answered. "Hey, I'm like 20 minutes away what's up?" I lied.

"F**k you mean, you on your way? You were supposed to have been here! It's damn near 7 o'clock" Trey yelled.

"I know, I know. But, I don't have my car anymore and you know how these buses are. You act like I'm out here in these streets! I just got off work, and now I'm trying to get there as fast as I can," I reasoned to the most unreasonable person on earth. "Anyway, I miss my baby, how is he doin?"

"He's with his daddy, so how do you think he's doing? He's good! You think I can't take care of my son?" Trey replied accusingly.

"I'm not saying that, I was more-so just asking Trey, DAMN!! I wouldn't leave him with you if I thought he wasn't going to be safe. You didn't even have to say all that," I contended.

"Like I said, he's fine cause he's with his daddy. On the other hand, heffa, you need to hurry up and get here. Next time, I'm not gonna watch his Lil' ass since you like to play games. You makin' me miss money, and on top of that, I got somewhere go," Trey threatened.

"Really, Trey! You already know I really don't have anyone else to watch him when I work. Like, what's the point of even taking it there? Look, I have like $15 that I was gonna give you for keeping him. You can buy some squares (cigarettes) or somethin'," I advocated.

"Yeah, aight," was the last thing I heard before the line went dead.

I knew damn well the drama wasn't over yet, but at least I knew the talk of him not watching our son wouldn't come up again for a while. How could a person be so petty? S#!t like this, coupled with the constant disrespect was the very reason I stopped f**kin' with Trey. In fact, I made the decision to give up our relationship a month before I even found out I was pregnant. The last straw was when he wouldn't let me leave his house, refused to give my phone back for hours, and pulled a gun on me because he thought I was getting calls from other guys.

Escaping that toxic relationship was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. That reality, however, was short-lived soon after I discovered the pregnancy. I was only able to keep it a secret for a couple of days since my nosy Aunt, who I lived with, was listening in on my phone conversations. All hell broke loose, and soon after the pressure of abortion was constantly being solicited.

Trey's own mother asked, "are you sure you wanna have this baby?"

It never really made sense until after Lil' Jamal was born. Truth be told, abortion was never an option as far as I was concerned. However, once I made the decision to keep the baby, it was made very clear to me, that my support system would be minimal.

When the baby came, things drastically changed as forewarned. I was forced to get a job in order to pay my Aunt rent since 'I wanted to be grown.' As an added way to keep the complaints down, I purposely don't ask her for help often. Not to show that I'm grown, but just to prove that I can handle things on my own. Honestly, it's really the best decision, so I never complain— well, never to other people anyway.

As I continued onward, I noted that the bus and train ride felt almost as long as my actual ten hour work day. After finally making it there just a little before 8 pm, I saw Trey impatiently waiting on his front porch, like he couldn't wait to get rid of the baby. Stress was at an all-time high, so I had to calm myself down a bit.

The exchange could have been quick, but instead, Trey made me endure a long lecture about being responsible and timely. He had some damn nerve to even move his lips about responsibility, especially to ME! Can you believe just last week, this FOOL demanded that I drop off a can of Enfamil for our (emphasis on OUR) son!! In the middle of my work week, I had to make the hour and a half commute from where I lived out west, to the south side where he stayed with his mammy. If he needed milk, why couldn't he just walk to the store three blocks away and pick some up on his own? I wish that just once, Trey would step up and handle things on his own without it always falling back on me.

Despite the circumstances, I decided to play a nice and humble role just to eliminate the drama. The whole time Trey was talking, I was thinkin'...thinking about any and everything except what was coming out of his pathetic little mouth. Outwardly, I hung my head low and put on an apologetic act, but inside I was screaming to the top of my lungs! Mind games were always the very tools I used to manipulate my way through whatever!

When he finally finished his rant, just to be petty, I made him think I didn't feel safe enough to walk back to the train station alone. Truth be told, I just didn't want to carry the baby's heavy ass car seat for three blocks. At the end of the day, it was best for him to walk with me anyway, because the mean streets of Chicago were never more alive during Englewood nights.

As we approached the "L" station entrance, Trey kissed the baby goodbye and as always, told me to be safe and stay aware. One thing I genuinely appreciated was, since our breakup, Trey refrained from making any awkward sexual advances toward me. There was no kiss goodbye shared between us anymore, just a turn and a friendly, "aight, I'll text you when we make it home safe."

I was almost free from his presence until I heard him yell, "Ay!"

I knew immediately what was coming next and reluctantly turned to face him. Just as I expected, Trey mentioned, "Uh, you almost forgot about 'that'?"

Without emotion, I reached into my pocket and handed Trey the $15 he was expecting. I knew better than to openly criticize him for taking money from me. There was never even a feeling of embarrassment on his face when it happened. He simply slipped the money into his pocket and was gone into the night...