Arrows and Bullets | McHanzo Oneshots

3 A.M Conversations

Hanzo wasn't surprised to hear his phone vibrate this late at night. He had a few apps that gave him notifications twenty-four seven, so the occasional buzz at night was nothing new.

He was a little surprised to hear it go off again. And again. And again. Frustrated, he rolled over and felt around for the phone. When he finally found it, he squinted at the harsh light to see what it was.

The first thing he noticed was that it was a little past three a.m. The second thing was that all of his notifications were texts from his crush, Jesse McCree. With an irritated sigh, he unlocked his phone and opened the messages.

AmericanBitch: hey Hanzo, you up?
AmericanBitch: i've got a question for ya
AmericanBitch: it's important
AmericanBitch: well, kinda

The ravenet felt his heart skip a beat and his mind started racing. He quickly shoved the thoughts down, not wanting to jump to conclusions. He then typed a reply.

EdgyArcher: You're lucky I can't sleep. What do you need?
AmericanBitch: have you ever seen a baby pigeon?

Hanzo stared at the screen blankly, feeling his heart sink a little. "It's too early for this bullshit..." he thought as he typed.

EdgyArcher: God dammit Jesse, what kind of question is that?
AmericanBitch: just answer it, please
AmericanBitch: it'll serve as crucial evidence in my argument with Genji
EdgyArcher: Wait, you're texting my brother now?
AmericanBitch: no!
AmericanBitch: ...yes
EdgyArcher: For fuck's sake... Also, no, I have never seen one.
AmericanBitch: *ffs
AmericanBitch: k thanks

The Asian paused, waiting for a response. When he didn't get one after twenty minutes, he decided to take initiative.

EdgyArcher: What were you two arguing about, anyway?
AmericanBitch: if pigeons were secretly spies for the government
AmericanBitch: now we're talking about if mars was actually our home planet but we killed it and had to send Adam and Eve in an escape pod to earth

Hanzo couldn't help but facepalm at this. "Fucking idiots..." he murmured before replying.

EdgyArcher: And you needed my input because...?
AmericanBitch: i wanted you to back me up, darlin'

He paused, feeling his face grow hot. "Did he just...?" he thought in shock. His mind started racing as those familiar three dots appeared.

AmericanBitch: ...you don't mind me callin' you darlin', do ya?
EdgyArcher: Only if I get to call you something in return.

It was then that Hanzo started to panic. "Shit, why did I say that? He probably thinks I'm weird or-"

The phone went off.

AmericanBitch: whaddya have in mind?
EdgyArcher: How about honey?

The ellipsis kept reappearing and disappearing, which only made the ravenet's stomach churn with uneasiness. "I probably scared him off, God-"

AmericanBitch: actually, i change my mind. darlin' is too mild for you
AmericanBitch: hot stuff suits ya better imo

Hanzo's blush had spread down to his neck. "Holy shit," he thought, trying to catch his breath. "How the fuck do I respond to that?" He struggled to type a response.

EdgyArcher: take me to dinner first, sexy
AmericanBitch: oh, stop it! You're makin' me blush!
EdgyArcher: You act like I'm not as red as a tomato over here!
AmericanBitch: nice to know the feeling's returned lol
EdgyArcher: Wait... You actually like me?
EdgyArcher: As in, like a crush?

The dots appeared and disappeared over and over again, making the Asian anxious. Finally, after what felt like forever, Jesse replied.

AmericanBitch: ...yeah. ain't it obvious?
EdgyArcher: Not when you flirt with everything that moves.
AmericanBitch: but I flirt with you even when you're NOT moving
EdgyArcher: Fucking- whatever. I have a crush on you, too.
AmericanBitch: aw, that's precious
AmericanBitch: i always knew you did tbh
EdgyArcher: What? How?
AmericanBitch: you're brother's quite the snitch
EdgyArcher: I'd kill him if I wasn't so fucking tired.
AmericanBitch: haha, you're a gem
AmericanBitch: i'll see you in the morning, darlin'
EdgyArcher: Same to you, honey

Hanzo sighed blissfully and let himself fall back onto the bed, clutching his phone to his chest. A few seconds later, the phone buzzed again. He lifted the screen and peeked at it to see if McCree had texted him again. Instead, it was his younger brother.

CyborgAsshole: Yo!! You and Jesse are a thing now?
CyborgAsshole: When's the wedding?
CyborgAsshole: Have you fucked yet?
CyborgAsshole: Ooh!! What's your future kid's name?
EdgyArcher: Genji I will fucking murder you a second time if you don't shut up.
CyborgAsshole: Alright, alright, I'll leave you alone for at least six hours...
EdgyArcher: God dammit.