White walls

5 0 0
                                                  

* Savannah's pov*

What's happening to me ? I don't understand .

Me and Martin kissed. More than once now .

How it happens I don't know . Just does .

What else I don't know is why I feel like this ...

So many thoughts rushed through my head .

I rolled from under martins arm

Trying not to wake him.

I grabbed my purse and went to the bathroom.

I emptied out the contense on his bathroom counter.

Pens, hairbrush , make up and other things . I only had one thing on my mind , cut.

I frantically searched for my razor I kept in my bag.

After about 2 minuets I found if.

I grabbed the shinny silver piece and slided it across my inner thigh .

One cut then two and three .

Something came over me. Some kind of depression I couldn't control .

A dark deep hole was where I was .

It was like I was Daniel in the

Lions dens . The difference was I wasn't a person in the bible and I wouldn't have to worry about fighting the lions .

It's like I'm at war with myself .

Sometimes I can snap out of it and notice what I'm doing . Sometimes not so much .

--------

A few days went by . Martin never knew .

I was ungrounded now .

School was almost over , about two months left .

Prom was coming up, graduation too.

That day at school sucked . It was a dark , gloomy Thursday .

Failed my math test , didn't get the role I tried out for in the small play , drama with a friend.

The list went on and on .

My anxiouty and depression where high anyway .

That stuff didn't help .

" hey sav" Martin and josh said together

" hi , guys" I said shyly

I felt bad . This was the first time id been around Martin since I cut at his house .

I'd been avoiding him the best i could.

" how are you?" Josh asked concerned

" I'm great !" I lied

" savannah , what's wrong ?" Martin asked

" what do you mean ? I'm

Fine ." I tried to convince him

" your not acting yourself . I've been meaning to talk to you. About the other day " he added

Josh looked at him and winked .

" I'm fine . I am but I really have to go. Mums gonna wonder where I am . I have to be home at 3:10 now . I'm ungrounded but I'm not fully out." I lied

I said bye and hurried out of the school.

I went home and tried to take a

Nap . Tried to get my mind off

Of things . Didn't work.

I decided to write .

The more and more I wrote I felt bad .

Felt like a bad daughter , a friend and anything else I could be .

My depression grew with every word I wrote .

My idea to write my feelings was now a suicide note . One big note.

I apologized for everything .

I went to the kitchen and grabbed a thing of sleep pills .

Taking one after another . Not caring how many I took.

Lost count after 25.

I fingered if it didn't work, id at

Least get a good sleep.

Which was way over due .

I soon drifted off .

-----------

" she's still got a pulse " I heared echoing

It was black . I couldn't see anything . Only hear a few things hear and there .

I heard beeping , and a few frantic voices .

" she's got a pulse . We've gotten out 33 so far " another voice said

" she for sure has a pulse ?

Check again . The stuff she took , she shouldn't have one" a voice added in

That repeated in my mind . I

Shouldn't have a pulse , I

Should be alive .

Although , I shouldn't be , I was.

After What seemed like forever I finally opened my eyes.

Once I was able to open them they showed me a white hospital room . I was hooked up to machines .

I was alone . No one was in there.

Alone , scared and confused .

Unable to recall the events that led up to this .

A few minuets later a nurse walked in.

" she's awake !" She shouted down the hall

" huh?" I moaned

" hi savannah . My names Mona. I've been your nurse the past two days " she said

" two days ?" I said in shock

" yes. We pumped your stomach . Total of 56 pills. You've been under for a while . You came in Thursday , it's Saturday " she added

I laid there speechless .

Confused.

I wanted to die , I thought I would . I thought I could .

I can't even do that right .

" may I ask you something ?" I spoke up

" of course " she said checking the machines

" if I was under that long ... Why'd you help me?" I asked insure of the reply id get

" your a teenage girl . Some things your not gonna understand . We have people go under for an hour and sometimes a month. Sometimes the cause is known and sometimes it's not . You overdosed . It's obvious . In your mind you should be dead because that was the intent . Although , just because your intent was to die , doesn't mean we're going to not do our best to keep you here " she replied

I sat there . Just sat there.

A few hours later I was sent home .

Mom had to work the next morning . She explained she had scheduled me to go to martins , I had to be monitored for a while .

How would I tell him? What would I tell him?

Oh one of your best friends tried to kill theirself .

Like you don't just say that ?

I don't know . Maybe I won't tell him .

The questions and ideas of what to do continues running through my head

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