Spring Day 轉; knj + ksj

Sad Love Story

Whenever I got emails, posts, or advertisements about mental health, I was, frankly, quite indifferent and felt like those were just done for recognition, profits, guilt, or self-assurance. I used to think that if we were strong enough, we'd be able to overcome our demons. Only the weak sought suicide.

I didn't realize at the time that deteriorating mental health was like a slow but deadly poison. The scariest part was that no one would suspect anything was wrong with you at first glance. This silent virus could hide itself so well, but once triggered, there'd be no way of retreating.

The smiles we put on our face for the cameras became our natural way of coping with our unhappiness. I was stupid to think that by letting everyone have their solo songs, they'd feel more at ease. That wasn't the real cure for the problem. We were just alleviating the symptoms.

For a long time after, I blamed myself for turning a blind eye to what was going on around me because we were raking in results at last. Our Twitter account had more followers than before. The views to our Youtube channel were increasing daily. We had an offer from VLive to film Bon Voyage 2. We were filling up stadiums by the minute and getting calls from variety shows. There were so many congratulations that there was no time to mind our own sanity.

The signs had been obvious. Jimin was constantly dieting and worrying about his baby fat. His appetite grew smaller and smaller, yet he'd work out harder and harder. He was determined to get a strong jaw line and shed his "cute" look. Jungkook's skin was breaking out a lot. Unlike Jimin, Jungkook had a tendency of overeating and then forcing himself to go to the gym like crazy. V kept playing computer games and kept making excuses to try to hang out with other people instead of practicing. Hoseok and Jin made frequent trips to the hospital out of fatigue. Yoongi became more and more anxious about being surrounded by crowds. He'd always feel nauseous and throw up before a big event. He also barely went outside for fear of being around people. As for myself, I became a workaholic and spent all my time in the studio. I also couldn't sleep without having a drink of alcohol or taking some sedative.

The closer we got to one another, the more we took advantage of one another. We got too familiar that we forgot that politesse was a form of caring. I was quick to point out people's faults. I was forgetting to filter my harsh words to make sure that feelings wouldn't be hurt. I did all that because I truly wanted the best for BTS. I wanted us to soar to the sky and be number one. I thought tough love was the right recipe for success, yet I completely ignored that different people needed different ways of loving. I was putting my needs before others.

I only realized my grave mistake after misunderstanding V. V and I never had many one-to-one interactions over the years, yet somehow, he became my new roommate after we moved to a new place. At first, I was annoyed by his living habits. He'd shout at his computer screen while playing games without wearing headphones. He was always creating some sort of havoc, making me unable to concentrate or sleep properly. He was just too restless for an introvert like me. Moreover, the longer I was with him, the more drained I felt. I kept seeing the negative sides of him, picking on little things that should have been ignored. I did that probably out of stress. I wanted to dump all my frustrations on someone and he just happened to be the perfect candidate.

The last straw was when I found out that he had lied about feeling sick to skip out on dance practice. This hadn't been his first time lying to get out of some task. Sometimes Jungkook would be lazy, but V, in particular, was slyly lazy. If you didn't keep a good eye on him, he'd get away with so many things. This time, I wasn't going to let him go. Angrily, I burst into his room and reprimanded him.

"I knew you were lying!" I bellowed at V who was reading some webtoons on his computer. "What the hell are you even thinking? We have a major tour coming up and you're—"