Spring Day 轉; knj + ksj

Faraway Home

Along with our struggles, we had times where we enjoyed ourselves too. I'd consider our Bon Voyage trip to Northern Europe to be one of our biggest highlights even though I wasn't able to complete the whole vacation. That was my fault. I couldn't find my passport during the trip.

Actually, we nearly lost a lot of things during this vacation. Taehyung thought he lost his bag. Jimin almost lost his belonging too. All of us got quite lost during this trip. If phones hadn't been invented, I really wouldn't know how we would have survived. This was honestly the first time where we were kind of allowed to roam free, as in we handled all of our travels and didn't have managers or assistants to look after our luggage and check-in processes. Of course, our schedules had been set like the destinations we would go to and the places we'd stay in, but we still had the opportunity to do a few of the activities we wanted like shopping or sightseeing. We could also relax and travel like some college students backpacking through Europe, a faraway fantasy of ours.

Somehow the ordinary seemed extraordinary, while the extraordinary became so ordinary. Normal trips to the grocery store without any disturbances or interruptions were rare. A simple subway ride seemed impossible. A stroll in the park attracted glances left to right. An outing with some old friends were always pushed back and back due to our schedules. Home was also so far away; I believed I only saw my parents at most three times in a year. In a foreign city, we hoped to find our ordinary lives and sometimes we did. Surprisingly, there were still people who recognized us, a fact that made us happy yet also made us a bit worried. We couldn't exactly relax on a break.

It was true, even though this was partly a vacation, we still had to work on our songs. Jungkook happened to be struggling with his solo song. Everyone had already started to write theirs, yet Jungkook hadn't even written a word or a note. I was actually astonished that he was blanking out. He had done a good job with some of our other songs. He wasn't that inexperienced with song writing compared to other members of the vocal line. It seemed like the more time passed by, the more anxious he grew. I could tell because the pile of scrunched up papers in the trash can began to stack up to a little mountain.

As a leader, I knew I had to do something. I couldn't sit still and watch Jungkook struggle by himself. I decided to ask him how he was doing one night during our Bon Voyage filming. Jungkook was in the living room for the night and he did that move where his tongue would push the side of his cheek, something he liked to do whenever he was frustrated, annoyed, or was trying to stop himself from reacting to something.

"Maybe if we talk about what you want to write about," I suggested while taking a seat beside him on the black leather couch, "it'd be easier."

Scratching the back of his head, he grumbled, "That's the problem! I don't know what to write about! Like you guys have all these stories, thoughts, struggles, feelings . . . but . . . when I think about myself . . . there's nothing."

"What do you mean by there's nothing?" I wondered. I gave him a light slap on the back and uttered, "You're our golden maknae!"

"That's the problem." He gawked at me with his eyes wide open. "Things have come too easily for me. I haven't faced any of the challenges you guys have had and when I think about what you guys have been through . . . I . . ."

I couldn't believe my eyes. Jeon Jungkook was actually tearing up and crying in front of me. Though he kept wiping the corner of his eyes with his sleeves, there was no denying that he was actually upset. He was sobbing . . . for us and that made my heart twinge. I never thought anyone would cry over someone else's struggles, especially for friends. We shared no blood connections. We weren't lovers by all means. We were simply comrades who happened to have lived together for many years. No, to Jungkook we were like his family. He spent his adolescent years with us.

"Isn't this something you could work on?" I suggested.

"But . . . I don't know . . . how to put this into words or some song," he murmured almost too quietly.

"You can try?"

Jungkook gave me his puppy eye look and so I gave in. "Fine," I sighed. "I'll do your dirty work—"

"Yay!" Jungkook cheered and smiled happily. "You're the best!"

I rolled my eyes to myself. I'd still fall for that compliment. I was a sucker for people respecting me. Ha.

"But next time you have to write your own song, okay?" I lectured.

"Okay! Okay!"

Till this day, Jungkook hadn't written his own song yet. Like an older brother, I'd somehow always forgive the younger one. It was funny how I'd see Jungkook and the other members as family now. I never realized how close we had grown to one another until I had to be the only that returned to Korea after losing my passport during Bon Voyage 1.

I went home with a few staff members, but when I got back to the dormitory, I was all by myself. I wouldn't have said that this apartment was particularly big. After all, we cramped all of our clothing and other belongings all over the hallways. We still shared rooms with one another. Regardless, when I arrived to a dark, empty home, I felt particularly lonely.

I used to complain about how noisy some of the members were and how I wished that I'd have this whole place to myself. Ironically, when my wish had been granted, I regretted making that request. No longer was there Jungkook blasting his music through his Bluetooth speakers. No longer was there Taehyung playing his games without wearing headphones. No longer was there Jin bickering with Jungkook. No longer was there Jimin talking on the phone to his mother. No longer was there Hoseok watching some random Youtube videos of us to figure out what the fans liked. No longer was Yoongi quietly working on some new song. All those familiar sounds became nothing but a distant memory. The silence was chilling and made me uneasy. I couldn't focus unless I listened to music. I didn't feel safe to sleep without playing a movie in the background.

I could have called home, yet I had grown distant to it. I was used to speaking to the members. This dormitory had become my home. No, BTS was now home. I could have also called the members during their trip, yet I didn't. I didn't want to disturb their fun. I also didn't want to act like I was the dependent one. I couldn't let my pride go. I wanted them to call me first and ask how I was doing. I wanted them to feel out of place without me, just like how I felt incomplete with them.

When I shared that cup of beer with them on that cruise before I had to leave, I was really happy yet saddened at the same time. It was so much fun just partying with them and acting like fools. I didn't want the time to stop, but I had to go.

Then I started worrying about what'd happen if we ever disbanded. What would I do? What would we do? How could we make this time last forever? Perhaps we released that song, "Young Forever", too early. That should have been our final song for BTS. We wrote it thinking that that'd be the most beautiful moment of our life, the highest point we'd reach as BTS. Who would have known how wrong we were then? Who would have expected fledglings to soar as eagles? Who would have expected how we'd fall as well?

I was too stunned how our family could break apart so easily. Was I the only fool that believed that we were really a family? Was I the only one missing them during those lonely nights I spent by myself when they were away? Was I the only one clinging onto some imaginary bond?

No. I really believed in us. I was positive they too believed in us. We didn't mean to separate. We were just mad then. No, we weren't just mad. We just couldn't continue as BTS without all seven of us. That just didn't feel right, so instead, we all chose the least painful way out to crystallize that image of all seven of us in time: we'd go our separate paths.

Secretly, we knew that someday, we'd return as seven again. Some day . . . we'd be home again.