Spring Day 轉; knj + ksj

Backlash

All good things always came to a stop. You'd think that after debuting, we'd have much success. Nope. We were still no bodies, no matter how hard we tried. There were so many times I just wanted to throw a white towel to the ground, yet somehow, Hoseok, Yoongi, and Jin were quick to realize when we wanted to quit. Hoseok, especially, was surprisingly disciplined and determined. Honestly, I often felt like he would have been a better leader than me. If Bang PD had found Hoseok first, I probably wouldn't be named the leader. Hoseok was far more mature than me and rarely had any outbursts.

I was probably the most problematic in the group and somehow attracted the most negative attention. Was it my face that let people easily point their fingers at me? I knew I was probably the odd one out because well . . . even with all the weight loss, I was far from being handsome. V was born with top visuals and Jin had a very classic, handsome look to him. Jungkook was quickly blossoming into a young man. Jimin's appeal came from his cuteness. Yoongi had this tough, yet cute vibe to him. Though we often teased Hoseok for looking like a horse, he was seriously very good looking. Then there was me . . . with my duck lips, small beady eyes, and gorilla forehead. Frequently, I'd hear comments from people saying that I shouldn't be part of the group or that I was ugly. I got that message and acted like I didn't care.

I wanted to prove them wrong so I thought I'd embrace hip hop. I purposely emphasized on acting like I had "swag". I overdressed and overdid my hair. If they were all going to look at me that way, then at least make myself memorable. I had completely forgotten about Choa's plans for me because anger and pent up frustration had gotten to me. I made crude jokes related to the colour of someone's skin. I was called out for so many other things. I said sorry more than anyone in the group.

There were so many times I wanted to scream aloud and question why my life was so difficult and unfair. How come others had the easy way out? Why'd one idol get away with this way of styling their outfit yet I couldn't? Why were all the antis on me? Why me? Why us?

Why did people look down on us idols? The underground scene liked to imply that we were traitors and took the easy route out. We weren't like the standard idol groups that came from huge companies with lots of marketing support and outreach. We were nowhere anywhere, the outlier that no one really understood.

I didn't want my family to worry, yet they often made it worse by forwarding me the negative news surrounding me. I'd get reprimanded by them for misbehaving. They were losing face among our relatives and their friends for having such an unruly son.

Their agitation and disappointment in me crushed me more than any. I wanted to prove to them that my choice was right—this path was worth taking. However, I had only made a fool out of myself, so much so that I didn't dare attend any high school reunions. I didn't have the courage to see my friends enjoy their lives at their prestigious universities, while I . . . came back empty handed. My career was in shambles. My higher level education was nonexistent. My love life was dead. My wallet was empty. My stomach too . . .

We were in the middle of a filming break for AHL. Hoseok and I happened to be alone, waiting for the others to finish with their makeup. As I took a sip of water, I looked at Jimin's outfit. Jimin was wearing a very hip hop style, which actually didn't really match his own personal style. I couldn't help but think how out of place he seemed, rather, how out of place . . . we were. I then muttered to Hoseok, "Don't you think this is . . . all silly?"

"What is?" he asked.

As Hoseok grabbed my bottle of water and poured some into his mouth, I answered, "All . . . this. This is . . . so cringey."

"Weren't you the one that was super excited about this whole hip hop immersion?" he questioned.

"Yeah but—"