Spring Day 轉; knj + ksj

First Rift

When was the first rift of this tsunami, I kept asking myself. Where did we go wrong? When did we start focusing on our priorities instead of those of the team?

When I replayed all of the events that happened, I always came to the conclusion that the first cracks came when Taehyung received a casting call for the drama, Hwarang. We were divided as to whether Taehyung should have accepted the role. Taehyung was also uncertain, so it was up to the six of us to make a decision for him. After all, he had never thought about going into acting in the first place. Actually, he hadn't thought about pursuing singing either. He simply followed a friend to an audition and landed his part. It was as if his road was already paved by fate and all he had to do was follow it.

Most of us weren't like that though. Certainly I might have become interested in music later, but I still worked very hard to be a trainee. Yoongi worked even harder than me. Arguably, he had the most difficult time prior to joining Big Hit. Therefore, it was natural for the ones that had exerted all of their efforts and had more or less a concrete vision of their goals to feel that Taehyung shouldn't have taken his role in Hwarang. He wasn't ready and definitely needed more training before making some acting debut. His filming also coincided with our preparations for our comeback and the start of our Bon Voyage trip. I didn't feel like he could have handled so much pressure to perform well for acting and singing. The script too didn't seem very well thought out. As a result, I, along with Hoseok and Yoongi, felt like Taehyung should have refused the role.

Jin and Jungkook, on the other hand, were very supportive of Taehyung. The two both agreed that this was a good chance for Taehyung to explore his interests and if the drama did well, there would be more promotions for BTS too. Perhaps, BTS could record an OST for this drama.

Since Taehyung was undecided, it was up to Jimin to make the call. Jimin always had a tough time making decisions. It wasn't that he didn't have any opinions. It was just that he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Jimin, like Hoseok, was the sort that could read someone's thoughts without asking them. Jimin was always the first to notice if the conversation was going to lead to a fight and he'd be the one softening someone's words. Somehow, he was able to keep the peace among the seven of us.

The peacemaker, however, wasn't the best decision maker. It was nearly the last day that Taehyung could refuse the director. Jimin was relaxing by the balcony of our apartment with a can of beer in his hand. He was sitting rather awkwardly with his hands hugging his knees that were brought up to his chest. This scene reminded me of a sleepy baby being rocked back and forth, especially since he wore a large light grey oversized hoodie. Though I had made quite a loud entrance by accidentally hitting my hand against the door handle to the balcony, Jimin still had his eyes glued to the scene outside. There really was nothing to see though since it was quite late at night.

"You all right?" I asked him.

He took a sip of his drink before replying, "I . . . just don't think . . . I should be the one deciding."

"Well no one knows the right answer," I took a seat in the stool beside him and answered. There was another can of unopened beer on the small stand separating the two of us. I grabbed the beer and cracked it open to quench my thirst.

Still staring ahead, Jimin remarked, "A part of me . . . thinks it's unfair about how things turned out."

"You mean how everything seems to land on his lap easily?" I wondered.

"A bit, but more like . . ." Jimin turned his attention towards me and muttered, "You know . . . Jin . . . wanted to be an actor first?"

I shook my head, responding, "No. I had no idea."

"He told me a while ago," he said.

"I see."

Somehow I didn't think I had the right to intrude on Jin's privacy. Jin was like Yoongi in a way, except the mask Jin wore was much thicker and harder to peel off. Behind Jin's smiles, I often pondered whether there were deeper thoughts. Just when I'd think he have a profound perspective, he'd offer a cold joke instead. I wasn't the sort to pester anyone to dish out their ideas or feelings. I respected people's secrets and the fortresses they built for themselves.

"I just . . . feel really bad for him if Tae Tae were to get this role before him," Jimin continued to say. "It'd be like . . . ripping Jin's dream away from him? But then . . . I feel like if I were to say no to Tae Tae, I'd be killing a potential dream of his and . . . it's not like Tae Tae did anything bad either. Ugh. I don't know."

Jimin buried his head in his arms and I exhaled a deep breath. I understood what he meant. Whatever Jimin's choice would be, he'd eventually hurt someone. That was what he was always against.

"Besides Jin's feelings," I uttered, "do you think that overall . . . Taehyung acting in a drama would be good for BTS?"

Jimin looked up at me and answered, "Y-Yeah, I think so. Maybe more fans would find out about us this way."

"Okay . . . then . . . do you think Taehyung would be able to handle filming and doing activities for BTS?" I pondered.

"Don't look at him this way, but he's actually quite hardworking . . . when he puts his mind to it," Jimin explained.

"Do you think he'd be able to put his mind to this?" I inquired. Jimin slowly bobbed his head, leading me to conclude, "Okay, if that's the case then Taehyung should take the role."

"B-B-But . . ." Jimin's voice began to muffle and then croak, "W-What about the other members who . . . voted against this? And . . . well . . . Jin?"

That . . . That was a good question, for which I didn't have the answer yet. However, I didn't want to worry Jimin, so I flashed him a polite grin.

"Don't worry so much," I told him. "I've got it covered."

Covered my ass . . .

I spent the entire night wondering how I'd be able to appease the dissenting opinions. If Taehyung had the chance to shine individually, then each of us should also get our time. I had already released my mix tape. Perhaps, Yoongi could release his soon. He already had several tracks lined up, just waiting for approval. Hoseok didn't have any mixtape songs prepared yet. He was the perfectionist that'd spend too much time on each note. It'd take him ages to finish something. However, he could . . . do the intro song this time as well as the dance. We could feature him more for this album. Then something for each member . . . wouldn't it be interesting if each member had his own solo song?

That's right! I immediately got up from my bed and became too excited to even sleep. I was sure that my plan would satisfy everyone's needs. I was already feeling inspired to start on the intro. In the end, I fell asleep at my desk with a pen in my hand and lots of paper under my cheek. Jungkook was the one that had to remind me to wash off the ink that had transferred from my work to my cheek.

As I washed my face, I questioned why I hadn't thought of this plan earlier. Why was I so quick to refuse Taehyung? Was I jealous as well? No . . . It wasn't like that. I was happy that he had gotten casted, but I . . . just didn't trust him enough. I didn't believe in his abilities to not only act, but to also excel in our activities. I didn't think he'd ever be serious. He was always fooling around in front of the camera. He still had a very youthful, childlike heart—the type that someone could easily deceive. In my eyes then, Taehyung wasn't ready for the next challenge in his life. I was like a protective parent, sheltering him too much. He wasn't going to grow up without a push and seeing how he wasn't adverse to the idea of taking a step into the unknown, I should be encouraging him instead.

If Jin, who dreamt of being an actor, could support and believe in Taehyung, then why couldn't we have done so? Ah, we were all afraid, too used to of the safe places that we'd forgotten that sense of adventure tucked inside of us. That was why I admired people like Jungkook or Taehyung. They didn't think much of their actions and simply followed their hearts. The aftermath they'd deal with later . . .

I couldn't play it safe anymore. If BTS were to aim higher, then we'd have to take some risks. I wasn't prepared though for the consequences we'd face for our actions. Had I become too greedy and overbearing? Was it all for BTS or just for myself?

I don't know even today. You tell me . . .