Hindrances

Chapter 27

The next day, I woke up in pain. From my waist down, I felt a throbbing soreness that didn't let me forget what happened the day before. I refused to open my eyes, since I didn't want to acknowledge reality at the moment.
There was a soft knock on my door.

My door?

I decided that opening my eyes might be a good thing to do.
I was in my room at Lancaster Offices.

Didn't I fall asleep in the coach?

I certainly did. Perhaps Connor brought me in.
There was another knock, this time slightly louder.
"Um, come in?"
It was Connor, bringing me a glass of water.
"Hi there Ameila, how are ye doin' today?"
He spoke to me like I was a little puppy that he didn't want to frighten, and I guess, in a sense, I sort of was.
"I'm alive."

But I don't want to be.

"One day at a time, lass."
Connor handed me the cup, and I gladly accepted it. It took me three seconds flat to drink it all.
"My throat is sore."
"Screaming- well, I'll just get ye some tea, how's that?"
I nodded. I also knew what Connor was going to say: "screaming hurts your throat." Obviously, why else would my throat hurt?
It's just another reminder of what happened yesterday.
"Wait, Connor. Can you come over here?"
So maybe I felt lonely and depressed. Can you blame me? But I felt like I needed a hug.
Connor sat on the edge of my bed, next to me. I immediately threw my arms around him, pulling him against me. Connor seemed to understand, because he hugged me tightly without saying a word. He lazily traced circles on my back. I sighed with contention.
"How is Mr Lancaster?" My voice was slightly muffled, but Connor understood me.
"E's in a mood. Certainly frustrated and angry, but I think e's feelin' some shame as well."
"I need to talk to him later."
"Ye would be lucky if ye got more than three words out of 'im."
"I love him, Connor."
"I know."
Connor buried his face into my neck, hugging me around my waist even tighter now.
We stayed like that for almost five more minutes, just enjoying each other's silent company. There was something comforting about the silence, with only our heart beats and breathing audible.
"I'm goin' to grab ye some of that tea I mentioned earlier."
Connor untangled himself from me, and I reluctantly let him go. Before leaving, he cupped my face with both of his hands and kissed the top of my forehead.
"Thank you, Connor."
With his classic amused smirk displayed on his face, he tipped an imaginary hat to me.
Alone again, I wrapped more blankets around myself. I felt like I was in my own private cave.

Hopefully I could suffocate too.

I didn't even bother to shut down those suicidal thoughts. Maybe I reached my limit. There comes a point when something is broken beyond repair, even if you have successfully fixed it before. Holding on to it would be pointless since it had outlived its usefulness, so you throw it away.

Throw your body face down in the Thames.

I wrinkled my nose at that one. If I were to actually go that far, I would do it in a better way than drowning in the Thames.
Connor's knock rapped on my door again, and he let himself in without my say (which was fine, since I was expecting him).
"I hope ye don't mind, but I added lots of honey to it. I suppose its got some 'soothing qualities' to it."
I chuckled slightly, but there was no emotion to it. It sounded fake and dead to even my own ears.
"Thank you."
"Do ye want me to just leave it 'ere? Do ye want me to stay or leave ye alone, or-"
"Stay? Please?"
"Aye. I can do that."
Connor sat with me in my bed, our knees barely touching. Mostly, there was no talking, but once in a while one of us had some comment, question, or concern about the other one.
Of course I asked about Mr Lancaster.
"Is he even capable of lo- emotions in general?"
"Go back before ye came 'ere, and I'd say nay. But now I'm not so sure."
Should I feel hope?