Hindrances

Chapter 7

That was certainly a... Nice dream...

I couldn't even pretend to deny it.
It all felt so real? I remember thinking that as it was happening, and I never have remembered a dream so vividly. There was even a welcomed and good ache between my thighs. Whether it was real or not, the effects were both noted and appreciated.
When I woke up, it was late in the evening.

Shouldn't it be morning?

I slipped out of the bed. After two paces, I stepped on something. Grimacing, I examined the object as best as I could in the fading light.
A button.
My brain halted.

It wasn't a dream...

Mr Lancaster did the same thing that night after Dayus and the ball... And Kaiser...

Oh god, Mr Lancaster!

Did he... We... Really do that? All of it? Did I call him Damien? Did he admit he was a virgin?
As I realized the authenticity of the "dream," I was having a difficult time regretting it.

Maybe some of it wasn't real... Like the body?

Whether or not that actually happened, the image was still branded with fire into my brain.
There were three sharp knocks at the door.
"Ye-"
It swung open as Mr Lancaster strode in.
"No no no, that's not how I do it-" I gasped as I tried pushing him out. It was successful enough, and I managed to slam the door shut. I sat down in front of the door, just in case he would try and force it open.
"Alright, Mr Lancaster, sir, let's try this again! You will knock, and I will say come in. Then, and only then, I will grant you permission to enter. Understand?"
Mr Lancaster didn't reply, but I could hear him impatiently tapping his foot.
"Mr Lancaster! I asked if you understand!"
"Yes, Miss Hemmings, I understand." And then he muttered something about "god damned women."
He knocked.
"Come in!" I said pleasantly. Before the door could smack me, I rushed to the edge of my bed and sat down on the mattress, to look like I was intentionally waiting for him there. In all honesty, it was just an effort to buy some time. I was really doing him a favor- he needed to learn manners anyway!
The door swung open again, this time without his typical masculine bravado. It was replaced by annoyance.
"Pack your bags, Miss Hemmings. We leave for my docks in 10 minutes."
I wanted to question him about the morning's events-
"Cas! Where's Cas?"
"While you were sleeping, he came back to check in. I gave him a Noble and told him to go home."
Good. At least Mr Lancaster didn't mess that up.
Mr Lancaster left my room as I began to pack and get dressed, holding on to the button I found. I didn't need a lot time packing since I now had some practice, but dressing will never be an easy, one person task. Scampering to the carriage that awaited us outside, I threw my luggage in before I dropped it.
"Is Connor coming with us?"
I sounded innocent, but Mr Lancaster glared.
"No. He is needed here more."
All I heard was "you cannot run a business if you are with child, Miss Hemmings," from that time back in Venezuela.
"Sure. Whatever you say, sir," and I pointedly looked out the window. This trip could take a while- it would be best to start the inquisition when he couldn't escape me. Perhaps when we are sailing to... Our destination.
"Mr Lancaster? Where are we going?"
There was conflict in his eyes, like he didn't want to tell me.
"Remember the letter you received? The one from Stephen Wynn?"
"Ah yes, and all the tensions in the States right now."
"Do you remember where Mr Wynn lives?"
"New Orleans, the perfect spot for trading. The Mississippi River grants access to the entire Midwest."
"Yes, well I decided that it would be best for you to get out of England for a bit, and I felt believed that this would be a high priority for you."
"Well, yes, it is-"
"He needs weapons."
"I know, he said that-"
"And so do most American Southerns. There is a war coming, Miss Hemmings. And if England gets involved, it would certainly be on the South's side. We rely heavily on the South's textiles."
"I'd hate to be the one to ruin my homeland's textile supply, I suppose..."
Mr Lancaster shifted on his feet a bit, moving left and right. He seemed uncomfortable.
"Miss Hemmings... Are you aware of the labor practices in the American South?"
Huh. Strange question, but I've never thought much about America's labor, just the output. That was my business, after all.
"Not... Really, I suppose. It's like England, right? I guess I never thought about it."
"Then I will not be the one to tell you. Let us get to America first, then you will see."
"Oh...kay... If you insist."
I had a feeling that I was not going to be pleasantly surprised.
The carriage ride was awkwardly quiet. I was beginning to suspect that Mr Lancaster knew that I knew... I would question him, but I'll have plenty of time for that later. So I decided on a neutral topic.
"So... Did you ever find that man's hands? Or anything else?"
Ah yes, a nice, neutral topic.
"Well, yes... But I will tell you about it another time."
I knew Mr Lancaster kept secrets, but he has never done it so blatantly. It frustrated me, but I didn't feel like arguing at the moment. I'm fine with his secrets and lies– I have some too. So naturally, it shouldn't bother me.
Shouldn't.
Yes, I was outrageously bothered. But I wouldn't want him prying in on my secrets, so I would just have to respect it.
At the docks, I was reminded of the time we went to Venezuela, and that man named Dominik. I couldn't spot him as Mr Lancaster and I boarded the ship.
Ahem, we were actually on my ship. We needed to bring the weapons with us to the American South. Thankfully, the entire boarding and undocking process didn't take much time. That was beneficial to us since we still had a little bit of light left. Soon enough, the harbor faded away against the broken waves and the sun, after turning the sky a brilliant display of pinks and oranges, sank below the wine dark sea. Mr Lancaster and I were standing on the edge of the ship silently. To break the quiet, I asked, "so what's the deal between the North and South? They hate each other right now, yes?"
"Absolutely. The topic is... States' rights."
"I think states should have their rights."
Duh, right? The government couldn't possibly understand local issues, the country was too geographically big.
"So does the South."
"It sounds like this will work out then."
"Perhaps you should not make up your mind so soon. You are jumping to conclusions as you jump over some some very big cracks."
Mr Lancaster was being cryptic, but I didn't feel like arguing. Right now, I needed some answers.
"So, it was a dream, huh? Like Kaiser?"
Mr Lancaster stiffened.
"I would not have been able to tolerate another mental breakdown, like that time-"
He cut himself off. I felt fury surge inside of me.
"Like what, Mr Lancaster? Hm? Would you like to explain?"
Mr Lancaster faced me head on.
"Like that night at the ball! You have been a mess ever since!"
Wow. I knew I wasn't normal recently... I knew that I was a little messed up...
"You have no idea exactly how messed up I am, sir," I said with a low whisper.
The salty wind whipped around our faces, intensifying the silence.
"You are over reacting, Miss Hemmings. You need to get over yourself-"
"No, no, no, you have no idea how it works, Mr Lancaster! Imagine– what if Dayus was successful? I'd never marry, I'd get kicked out of everything, no one would accept a bastard leading my company, my company would dissolve, and I'd have to take care of child that I didn't want with money I wouldn't have! How would I provide? Prostitution? And let's think beyond the logistics for a moment. I've never been so invaded in my life! The gun pointed at my face? I was forced to do whatever he said!-"
"Miss Hemmings, stop talking. None of that would happen-"
"Since Michael St. Laurent saved me!"
"Do not mention that boy's name around me!"
I was taken slightly aback.
"What do you have against him?" I was whispering, but I wasn't angry. I was certainly confused though.
"Why is Michael St. Laurent the man you chose to turn to?"
Scratch that, I was definitely confused.
"Um... He was there at the moment? He protected me?"
What did Mr Lancaster want to hear?
"Why was I not the first person there?"
Mr Lancaster actually sounded... Defeated... Heart broken?
"The St. Laurent's just happened to be there, sir... When Michael asked me for what I needed, I said you..."
My voice cracked slightly. I was remembering all of it again.
Mr Lancaster reached out to me. Why? Was he going to hug me?
I never found out, since I pushed him away.
"Don't touch me, sir."
I felt like he betrayed me.
"But-"
"Don't. Touch. Me."
I might have trusted Mr Lancaster before, but now...? He talked about a major event that happened to me and pretended that it was meerly a minor happening.
Mr Lancaster retreated a step, giving me space.
"Well, Mr Lancaster, I can explain myself further now– not that I have to or anything, but to help you understand, since I don't want to deal with you."
I have been keeping my eyes trained on the bridge of Mr Lancaster's nose since I was too shy to look him in the eyes. When I did meet his eyes, however, they weren't angry, or even a little bit annoyed. Just sorrowful, and maybe pitying.
I didn't want his pity.
"Since Dayus," my voice cracked again at 'Dayus,' "I've been remembering things that I have forgotten about. I wish to forget them still."
"What-"
"I'm not specifying anything for you, sir. No offense, but I don't always trust you."
Wow.
I didn't mean to say all of that...
But it was true. I couldn't honestly trust Mr Lancaster one hundred per cent.
"Who is it?" His voice sounded strained.
"Who is what?" Mr Lancaster wasn't making any sense.
"Who is the man you trust more than me?"
My mouth went dry.
Connor. The St. Laurent's. Officer Hansen...
I truly trusted them all more than Mr Lancaster. I hadn't realized that until now.
Michael saved me, Julian and Officer Hansen were sympathetic to me, but Mr Lancaster was just judgemental. He thought I was over reacting, or making a big deal out of nothing...

But it truly did have a major impact on me. I couldn't help it, and maybe I needed more time.

I wouldn't say the names to Mr Lancaster, but I bet he already knew.
"I will not say, Mr Lancaster."
Mr Lancaster's hand tightly curled into a fist. His other hand grasped on to the side of the boat until his knuckles turned white. I thought for a moment that he would actually rip the wood and metal apart with his bare hands.
"Alright."
And Mr Lancaster strode below the deck.
I only sighed.
The silence was suffocating. There were no other crew members on the ship this time, since Mr Lancaster insisted on doing all of the work. The bedroom door slammed from down below. Sighing, I knew I wouldn't get a bed tonight. I just made camp next to my stock piles.
I laid on the old wood floor and kept thinking about my intrusive but resurfacing memories.

Before the funeral, before Mr Cheswick died... Or, was killed...

That wasn't my proudest moment.