She loves danger

17

The cab ride back to the studio was the worst, trying to hold everything in and not let your emotions drip out of you one by one is hard. My emotions are literally all over the place.

One minute I want to cry my eyes out the next I feel nothing, there's no justification for what Lauren did she played me. Even though she hurt me doesn't mean I won't miss her, I'm going to miss her jokes, her goofiness. All the hours I wasted lying cuddling into her stuffing our faces with junk food and watching movies till our eyes hurt. The way she looked at me in admiration, the fact she was the only person ever to call me "Camz".

I don't know how to deal with it, how to realise she was just playing one big mind game, I don't know how I'm going to move on from what I began to feel for her. We only knew each other for like a week or so but when you spend every minute of everyday with someone something begins to develop, especially when they act like your special. In my dreams I'd be with Lauren but we eventually wake up from a dream and realise the sun goes down and reality comes knocking on the door and my reality is I'm not with Lauren and that's a scary thought because right now I don't know how to deal with that.

Lauren went from making me feel special and worthy of something she made me smile till my jaw ached and turns out that's not true. I'm not special and I'm not worthy because if I was special and worthy then I wouldn't be Lauren's second choice.

I gave Lauren my attention and she turned hers else where.

I gave Lauren my trust and she broke it.

Lauren taught me a few things. She taught me don't let your walls down to quickly because someone does something to you they damage you and your walls get built ten times higher next time. Lauren also taught me that showing love and showing someone you care and putting all of your cards on the table only gets you hurt. This whole situation made me realise everything is temporary and if you waste your time talking to someone who is temporary in your life your missing the opportunity to find the one who is meant to be permanent.

The cab pulled up in front of the studio after what felt like a lifetime in the backseat with nothing but my thoughts and emotions. I got out and I saw Lauren standing outside the building. I looked at her and composed myself and made my way to the doors but unfortunately she was there.

"Camila" Lauren said standing in front of me. I tried to go around her but she never let me instead she grabbed my arm and held me in place.

"What is it Lauren?" I snapped and she looked at me.

"I'm sorry I don't want you hating me" she said letting go of my arm and running a hand through her hair.

"You should have thought of that before making me feel like you actually wanted me and you to be something when in fucking reality you have a girlfriend" I snapped and went to walk away.

"I'm sorry" she said and I looked at her.

"When you break a plate or a glass or something and you apologise to the broken pieces on the floor it doesn't fix it, once something is broken then it doesn't get fixed by saying sorry" I spat and I looked at her before walking away and making my way to the studio.

Walking through the empty hallways made me feel alone, more alone than I already was. Trying to hold back the tears was a difficult task but what was more difficult was looking into Lauren's eyes and trying not to cave, trying not to forgive her and trying to remain strong in front of her. It took everything to do those things but I knew as soon as I get into the booth and sing it will all come out, that's how I get through things by music and singing.

I walk into the recording studio and no one is there and for once I'm thankful for it, I go into the booth and pull on the head phones and I breath trying not to breakdown. Once I'm composed I sing. I don't know what I'm singing I guess I'm just singing what I feel. I'm singing and I'm so into it I don't realise anyone coming in until I stop.

I open my eyes and catch my breath and I see Roger and Dinah standing there looking at me with an unreadable expression, the tears running down my cheeks. I wipe the tears and walk out of the booth.

"Camila are you okay?" Roger asks and I nod.

"I'm fine" I lied.

Roger looked at Dinah who gave him a look and he nodded at her and left.

"What happened?" She asked sitting on the chair and I look at her and I cry.

I tried to hold it in I didn't want to seem weak but I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Lauren" I said as tried to stop crying.

"What happened?" She asked and I look at her.

"She has a girlfriend but she's been leading me on this whole time" I tell Dinah and she looks at me sympathetically and holds my hand.

"Camila...I'm so sorry" Dinah said clearly not knowing what to say.

"It's fine Di I'll be okay" I said not sure if there was any truth to that at all.

"Camila I want you to be happy and I'm going to be by your side making sure you fall for someone who wants for, someone who understands you, someone who waits for you to be ready emotionally and shit, someone who guides you and supports you through your darkest days and someone who gives you hope and strength because Camila you deserve that and nothing less but everything more" Dinah said and the words hit me hard.

I smile at her and give her a quick hug and go back to the booth and sing I sing until I get it all out my system and I forget that Dinah is sitting there watching my emotions unfold into a song a song that I won't remember in a few minutes.