So I was asked to write a continuation of Through the Years, the part where I wrote that Merlin had tried to commit suicide. This is going to be pure sadness but it does end happyish. If you're not comfortable reading this I understand. If you want to read something happy, I started a new series of one-shots based on the Adoption story. So the fics are all about Merlin, Arthur, and their son Braydon.
A message to my readers; I want you to know that suicide is never the answer. Don't let anyone make you feel as if you were worthless. CAUSE YOU'RE NOT!! You are loved, and beautiful, and so incredibly unique. If you are feeling suicidal, please please, call a hotline. Tell a friend, someone you trust so much that it hurts. PLEASE don't ever hurt yourself, because you are so important. You are to me. I mean this completely and truthfully, you are loved. Please get help if you need it.
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Merlin realized he was in love with his best friend when they were 15. Arthur had just punched Valient in the jaw for making fun of him and all Merlin could think was "I want to marry him." It was six years later and Merlin was still head over heels in love with him. But the thing was, Arthur had no idea. Loving him from afar was starting to hurt, seeing Arthur date and go out just ripped Merlin apart. What really tore his heart to pieces was when Arthur started dating Gwen. It felt as if a knife was stabbing him every time he saw Arthur stare at her with this glint of hope and love in his eyes. Or when he would come running into Merlin's apartment with the biggest smile on his face, talking a mile a minute about how unbelievably perfect Gwen was.
It wasn't until Arthur can running to his apartment one day, his cheeks red from the cold and lips chapped, when Merlin truly broke.
"Merls, I love her. God, this is what love feels like. I love her." The look in Arthur's eyes just killed him.
Merlin gave Arthur a fake grin as he tried to hold back tears, "Don't you think you're telling the wrong person."
"Merlin, I don't know how to tell her. That's why I'm here. I need your help."
"You want me to tell you, how to tell Gwen that you love her?"
"Yes."
Merlin felt as if someone had kicked him over and over again in the gut. God, he couldn't breathe or see straight. "No, Arthur."
"What?" Arthur cocked his head like a puppy, Merlin always thought it was adorable.
"I said no."
"Why the hell not? Merlin this is important!" Arthur's forehead scrunched up and his mouth formed a thin line.
"I think you should leave. I can't help you with this." Merlin's voice was barely a mumble and his eyes were on the ground.
"Not until you give me a valid reason! You have always helped me, why are you stopping when it's the most important?"
"Get out. Go asked Leon or Morgana, just not me. Not me."
"Fine! You know, you were the one person I trust completely. Someone who has always been there, at least I thought you always would be." Arthur said as left Merlin's apartment, closing the door with a loud bang that echoed through Merlin's home. Merlin clasped on the ground, clawing at his neck trying to get air in. But he couldn't, he was was trapped in his head, his eyes filling with tears that burned as they fell down his cheeks. He felt broken, he knew that he was always chipped but now he felt truly broken. The pain needs to go away, he hated it so much. It made him see what he truly was; stupid, broken, and worthless. He just wanted for everything to stop. So he did, he grabbed his phone and stood up and shaky legs. Slowly he walked to the bathroom and shut the door behind him. It wasn't the first time his thought of this, just the first time he knew he was going to do it. He let out a breath of air as he grabbed the bottle and slowly slide down the wall. Taking his phone, he unlocked it and opened Arthur's number.
-I'm sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me, but I can't go on with the way I feel. You were never to blame, EVER. It's me, I'm the one who's broken, and I don't want to be broken anymore. Don't waste your life on me, I'm not worth it. I'll miss you, just don't worry about missing me.
He hit send, then he took the pills. When his mind started to drift and things became dim, he heard a pounding on the door then a crack. A pair of broad shoulders and blonde hair came rushing him. Two strong hands cupped his face and held him up.
" What did you do? Hey, hey come on. You need to stay awake, help is on the way and-" Arthur was cut off by Merlin slightly shaking his head no. That's when Arthur took in a deep breath and tears fell, that's when Merlin's world went dark.
Merlin awoke, 3 weeks later. His hand was in a death grip and a head of blonde hair was using his thigh a pillow. As much as his body would let him, he squeezed Arthur's hand back. Arthur's head shot up as he met Merlin's eyes, a comforting sky blue staring at him. Merlin watched as thick tears fell from Arthur's eyes, his breaths becoming shaky.
"Arthur?" Merlin's voice triggered Arthur, he wrapped his arms holding Merlin close. Then Arthur started dragging his hands over Merlin; up his arms, over his shoulders, across his chest to his heart, then up to his face running his hands through his hair.
"Arthur?"
"You're alive?"
"Yes."
Arthur's expression changed from joy and relief to the most serious face Merlin has ever seen him have, Arthur took hold of Merlin's jaw so he couldn't look away.
"I know you just woke up, and I know that you are scared. I can see it in your eyes, you don't have to tell me now but one day I would like to know what caused you to do this. Merlin-" Arthur choked out a sob, one hand moving from his jaw to his hair and the other to his hand to feel his pulse, "Merlin, you mean so much to me. You have no idea how much you mean to me when I found you it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. Merlin, I lost my mother and I refuse to lose you. You hear me, I refuse to lose you. Cause you the one person in my life that has always been there, even when you didn't want to be. I thought I lost my anchor. I thought I lost the most important thing in the world to me, Merlin you are loved. Please, believe when I tell you that you are loved. And that I am going to be here your whole life, I'm not going anywhere. There is nowhere for me to go, cause there's no life to live without you. Two sides of the same coin, remember? That's what our mums called us. I refuse to lose my half."
Merlin let his tears fall as Arthur talked, and when he was done he just buried his face into Arthur's neck. Both of them holding on tight to each other. Arthur running one hand through Merlin's hair and the other up and down his back. Merlin just buried himself deeper into the crock of Arthur's neck.
"You are loved, Merlin." Arthur whispered into his ear, and for the first time in a long time, Merlin truly felt loved.
-The End
