More Than This

Logic Wins

Uncontrolled laughter resonated within the walls of our home all throughout the day, from the rowdy three year olds led by a ring leader who's the biggest kid himself. I truly long for days like this. The twins are happy and Harry and I are peacefully co-existing. Nothing matters more to me than seeing our kids happy. Any parent would always want that. And Harry, though he may be like an absent parent, he does give his all, in whatever capacity he can.

Harry and I are busy dressing up the twins in their jammies. It actually is a struggle knowing both still are in a playful mode and their Dad is just the gift that keeps on giving. "We want to sleep in your bed, Mommy." Zoe pipes in. "Xander, Zoe, Mommy, and Daddy will sleep here." she counts us in her fingers and points at the bed.

Harry looks at me with a lopsided smile, shaking his head and shrugs his shoulders, denying anything to do with what had just  been said. "Baby," I say to Zoe. "Daddy will be sleeping in my room. Mommy will be in Grandma's room. Zoe and Xander will have to sleep in their own room, okay?" End of discussion.

"But Mommy..." Xander whines. "Mommys and Daddys are supposed to sleep in the same bed."

Harry and I both chuckle at the same time. "Where did you get that?" I say while hugging and tickling him, hoping it will distract this curious little boy.

"Grandpa and Grandma are your Daddy and Mommy. They have the same bed." He giggles.

Smart boy.

"Okay. Okay," Harry grabs Xander from me. "We will all sleep here!" He turns to wink at me, purses his lips and gives me an air kiss. I did not bother arguing anymore. I want them to sleep and we can just adjust later.

Harry lies down and Zoe and Xander stayed in each of Harry's sides. "I wanna be with Daddy" is what both of them says. Both twins lying contently in Harry's arms, with their leg and arms all over their him.

I sit at the edge of the bed, worked on my laptop as Harry sang to the twins until they fell asleep. Harry finally had silence, except for the tapping from my keyboard. Soon enough he's asleep, too. Probably tired from all the ruckus that went non stop the whole day.

Harry looks beautiful in his sleep, but him being with our twins, makes him a thousand times more. I'm reminded of all those times I stared at him at night because he would always fall asleep before me. I would run my finger on his face tracing the outlines and curves. And I would plant feather kisses on him. He would sometimes catch me and he would always say, "take a picture, it will last longer". Oh god I miss those times. Well maybe I can heed his advise then. So I took my phone and snapped a picture of him with the twins. This is something that I want to remember for a long time. A reminder of what happiness and contentment look like, amidst chaos and uncertainty.

My laptop time chimes, reminding me it's midnight. That's my self imposed cap for working. I carefully folded my laptop and gently got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Harry's husky voice startled me as I tiptoe towards the door. "Kitchen." I reply as I turn around. Should I invite him or not, my mind battles with my heart.

"May I have a cuppa? Please?" He smiles the sweetest smile.

He invited himself.

——————

"The tea is there by the left cupboard." Harry says behind my back, seeing my struggle in looking for the jar where the tea bags are kept. He moves forward and reaches out for it. "Don't you live in this house, love?" He laughs.

Truth be told, I rarely drink tea anymore, because it reminds me so much of him. Harry goes on and makes it himself while I sit at the stool by the counter staring at him. Wondering what ever happened to us and why are we in this situation. All those days of silence, for what?

He hands me my cup. "One teaspoon cream and two teaspoons sugar, just the way you like it, madam."

I smile at him. "You remember," I say.

"'Course, I prepared it hundreds of times before," he looks at the clock. "Right about this time at night, right?" He smirks. I miss that look. It makes my heart skip a beat.

"Yeah," is all I can say as I nod smiling  at the counter as memories come flashing by me. Good memories. The kind that warms the heart.

"You know what I missed most?" Harry seems to be in a sentimental mood. "It's the conversations we had over tea, each night that we were together." He sighs.

I don't say anything back but I did also miss a lot of things, but mainly it seems to hit me now, I really missed him.

"I missed how we could talk about anything. Celebrity gossip, my work, your work, national issues, our kids, you, me... us?" He pauses and stares at me. "You were my best friend, I can just be the real Harry with you, and not be afraid to be judged, just accepted, and," he takes a deep breathe. "And... loved."

"Harry.." I say holding his hand that is on the counter. Of course we became best friends. Those three years we had together, although not everyday were spent physically together, were the best I ever had., which really made our separation the worst for me. Because the ones you love the most are the ones who will hurt you the most.

"Wait, let me finish." Harry pulls his hand away. He holds his cup and sips. "You know how they say you'll never know what you really had, until you lose it? I got a taste of that. I lost a best friend. What we had, I never found that with anyone else. That left a gaping hole in my heart."

Wow. Those words hit me. I wanted to agree. I feel the same way, Harry. But no words are escaping my mouth. I'm overwhelmed by what he is saying. In all those times we were ignoring each other, I had a scene playing in my mind, on how our encounter will be, if ever we cross paths again. And no, this is not the way it played in my mind.

Harry walks towards me. I shift to face him. There's barely space between us. His breathe fans my face. I can feel my pulse racing. Harry skims his fingers on my face, tucking the loose fringes behind my ear.

I remain unmoved. My mind says to get up and leave. My heart says stay.

"Fuckit," Harry says under his breath. He clears out the space between us and kisses me on the lips. Like a match, it set my body on fire, quickly escalating. The magnetic pull netween us is overwhelming, barring all things that negate this situation. Everything screams wrong and yet all logic thrown out the window, yet again. Harry has that effect on me.

Then Harry breaks the kiss abruptly. Leaving me breatheless, yet yearnng for more.

"I'm sorry." He says, sad eyes looking at me.

What?

"I, uhm, Alex, please forgive me." He looks at the floor, shaking his head.

"Harry, it's ok, I, uhm" I'm out of words. What is happening?

Harry holds both my hands. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry..."

"Harry," I want to say that it's ok. That I actually felt the same. I want it as bad as he did.

"I'm seeing someone." He says, interrupting my thoughts.

Ouch. That felt like a slap on my face. Wait, hell no, I think I should slap him instead.

This time, logic wins.