More Than This

FO Feels

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"Wait," I willfully push Josh away from me, breaking the most intense kiss I have ever experienced in my life. Wait, what am I thinking? Why is it that my mind saying yes, but my heart is saying no? Maybe? I don't know?

Josh looks confused, or dazed? "What's wrong?" He stares at me with furrowed brows, his arms still wrapped around me.

"We can't do this. I can't do this. I..." Get a grip Alexandra, I remind myself. "I..."

"What?" His tone now a notch higher, like one of his brows.

"I... I don't..." Why the fuck am I stuttering? I can feel a storm brewing.

His stare feels like it's boring a hole in my head. Tears are welling up his eyes, and mine too. For different reasons perhaps. "Save it!" He says, as he removes his arms and pushes me slightly. Now he's full blown freaking agitated, I could tell. He mumbles something and turns his back on me, but as he steps away I try to grab his wrist to stop him, but he shakes it and my hand loses grip. Agitated and annoyed, I could tell.

He walks a few steps away, my head hangs low from embarrassment. He pauses looks back at me, and says, "I don't know if you're getting back at me for that THING years ago," he huffs and his face is now crimson. "Well I guess we're even now." He smirks, and his voice as cold as ice. Quick long strides after, and I hear the loud slamming of the door. Agitated, annoyed and angry, I could tell.

I stand in the middle of the room. Trying to find reason for my hesitation. Didn't I feel strong affection from him? Didn't I just want to reciprocate his kiss? Didn't I love him back? I let out a loud sigh. I know the answer and yet I don't want to admit it. Why else would Harry just randomly pop in my mind while we are in the middle of a passionate exchange of saliva? Logic thrown out the window. What is happening to me?

Someone please rewind the day for me. Where is Superman when you need him?

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I squint at the rays of light passing through my curtains. What a way to start my morning - my head throbbing like there's a freaking rave party inside. Lesson learned: crying, no, full on sobbing plus alcohol just don't mix well.

You deserve this, I say to myself as I sit on the edge of my bed, with thoughts of Harry and Josh swimming around the beat of my migraine. Last night's debacle may just cost me my friendship with Josh. Shit gets real for me. The thought of that gives me an awful feeling in my chest now. How does a GPA of 4.0 help me in this situation? Nada. I'm failing in life at the moment.

I grab my phone and called the office. I'm calling in sick today. For the first time, ever. So do I say my heart is sick? Or just say I was so drunk last night? Or that I have an actual severe case of stupiditis?

I roll back to bed with my phone clutched in both my hands. I stare at the ceiling, looking at the specks of dusts forming and i'm joining up the dots... Should I call Josh? No. I know he would not answer. I know him. He is my after all my best friend. Or maybe, was, if this gets worse. My phone vibrates. I don't want to look at the screen. It vibrates once more. I'm still ignoring it. Oh what the hell... I swipe without looking at the screen.

"Hello?" Ewww, my voice sounds hoarse.

"Wild night before and sick morning after?" A familiar voice drawls. My heartbeat accelerates, indirectly proportional to the speed of his speech.

"Yeah." I sigh. "How'd you know?" I let out a laugh.

"I got some cryptic texts from some weirdo." He chuckles.

I laugh in response. "That would be me?" Wait, what did I text him? Holy fuuuuuu.... "I know this sounds embarrassing, but from a scale of one to shitty, how pitiful are the texts?"

"Definitely, shitty!" He snorts.

I groan loudly with a few curses. "I'm sorry Harry. That was the alcohol talking. I'm not really..."

"No judgement here," he interrupts me. "Are you ok though? I wanted to check on you, which is why I called. It's around 7am there, right?" Wow. Harry Styles checking if I'm fine. I can't help but smile till my cheeks hurt. I can do this all day.

We talked for about an hour. I skipped about last night though. He shared stories about their recent concert and their TV guesting and how he gets bored with all the usual questions asked of them. Harry is a smart one, regardless of the fact that he didn't go to uni, yet. I can tell how sarcastic he gets whenever canned questions are thrown at him. I wish the interviewers get that, though sarcasm is wasted on the stupid.

I bored him with my own stories, but he seems to be quite excited when I told him I will be leaving New York and be flying to LA soon. We arranged for a meet up and he promised me for a proper date. Like what is proper anyway? Our earlier encounters were anything but.

Harry is a sweet one. He does go out of his way to make me feel special. In addition to the call I got, I received a surprise gift from him around noon. He sent my favorite stargazers, again, with a box of Lindt, and a bottle of Tylenol and 12 packs of what appears as designer coconut water. He said I should drink that to be hydrated and feel better. This boy surely knows how to win hearts. I bet he does this with every girl he meets. Girl... That memory of that girl whom I had seen him with. Who is she? I'm assuming she is his girlfriend. Ouch. Why am I subjecting myself to such mind tortures?

I hear my phone ping. The thought of Harry messaging sends a warm stream of giddiness all over my body. I look at the screen and instead see a notification from Josh.

I think it's best to give ourselves space. Btw, I left the spare house keys there. Take care always, Alex.

No emojis. No exclamation points. No multiple short messages. FO feels.

I feel tears streaming down my cheeks.