More Than This

I Burn. I Pine. I Perish.

Thanks for reading lovies! 💕

----------

I stare at the lighted screen, debating whether I should answer it or should I run after Josh instead. I really want to talk to Harry but Josh needs my attention. I can't believe he had been that open about his feelings. We have practically talked about everything except that awkward weird encounter we had at Sophomore year.

I know I have already moved on from the pain we inflicted on each other. It happened 5 years ago. It's supposed to be ancient history, but, like any ghost of the past, it does haunt me from time to time. It made me defensive at times and a bit paranoid especially when he gives me extra attention. I don't want to "misread his intentions" as he aptly said it in our epic fight then. Him reconnecting after we graduated has been key to our rekindled friendship. I guess when it comes to friends, we tend to be more forgiving. I decide to ditch the phone and run after Josh. Harry can wait.

I see Josh leaning by the pillar in the foyer. His hands tucked in his pockets, staring in the horizon. He's in deep thought it seems, because he didn't turn around when I called his name.

"Hey," I link our arms. "We're not done talking." I lean my head on his shoulders. He shifts his arms and puts it on my shoulders and I wrapped mine on his back. We stood side by side, parallel talk.

"Alex, you know I will always be here for you, right?" He says softly. I could feel his words cut through my heart.

"Yeah. I know." I sigh. "But why are you saying that? Please tell me you're not dying!" I cross my arms and look at him.

He chuckles and turns to face me. He looks at me in the eye. His eyes more gray than blue now. I mentally sigh as I admire the windows to his soul. His hands holds mine. You should have just loved me Josh, my mind is saying while I blink through his gaze.

I opened my mouth but closed it again. I'm lost for words. I can give lectures to hundreds and present fuckin reports to bosses and yet in times like this, nada. He is swinging our hands gently, like he's trying to say something. But I don't want to assume what it is. I've been burned before.

Josh makes a loud sigh. He looks up and blinks several times. Is he crying? "Josh?". He does not respond. Instead he gives me a tight hug. He buries his head by my neck. I can feel his breath causing goosebumps to erupt on my skin. "What's wrong," I ask him as I try to distance myself but he holds me close to him.

"Alex," his voice is muffled against my skin. "I uhm.." Wait, is he sobbing?

I use all my power to push him away so that I can look at his face. He does not want to let go, but I got him to do so. I hold his hands and ask him again what is wrong because while I admit to have felt something, it's now freaking me out seeing tears on his face. "What the fuck is wrong, Josh? You are scaring me."

"First of all, what I am about to say is not fair for you. But I'm going to say it anyway because I've been meaning to tell you for sometime now." His voice is shaking and he looks distraught.

"First of all". I don't like sentences that start with that because I know it's going to be a long and winding explanation. His voice is not helping either. I'm anxious and nervous for the next words to come.

He stares at me again and cups my cheeks. I'm an emotional wreck at this point. I'm confused at all the feels I'm getting. I can see the pain in his eyes, tears are in the verge of falling, again. "This better be good or I'll kick you in the balls for too much suspense, Joshua!" We both snicker and somehow that quickly changed the mood.

"Stop being a push over, Alexandra! Let me finish ok." He retorts smilingly and he squeezes my cheeks together, earning a chuckle from his amusement of my squished face, before he takes off his hands and hugs me again tightly, like it would be the last time we would do so. I could feel his sharp intakes of breathe like is he smelling me? His lips moves against my shirt. I'm pretty sure he said "I love you", muffled on my shoulders.

"Josh," I say softly. He still is there arms wrapped around me. Not moving away. He gently sways me and he is humming a song. An old song we danced to in a parking lot one awkward night of drunkeness after a party way back in College. The Nearness of You. Tears form in my eyes and my heart swells like thousand fold.

He finally breaks the embrace and he led me to the rattan couch where we sit putting our feet up by the table.

"Do you remember Hannah from High School?"

Do I remember her? Of course! She was that jealous bitch who gave me dagger looks whenever i was with you! I wanted to say. "Of course, your high school sweetheart!" In the fakest sweet tone I can muster. Why is Hannah even mentioned here? Now I'm more confused.

"I saw her about two months ago, in Central Park."

"And?"

"We kinda went out for like 3 nights."

"And? Joshua! Why are you saying these things? And why are you being all dramatic and vague? For fucks sake, tell me straight, I'm not a fuckin mind reader!" The mention of Hannah ticked me off. Any warm feeiling I had is now replaced with annoyance.

"Language!" He looks sternly at me. My eyes roll up in annoyance, my arms crossed. "Ok," he pauses. "I want to tell you how insanely jealous it made me to see you with Harry." What? Did I hear that right?. I stare at him with furrowed brows. He continues unaffected by it. "I knew the moment we saw each other in NY after years of barely keeping in touch, I knew I loved you then. I loved you even before but I was scared. Scared that I will lose you if we break up and scared that you might leave me eventually because we are not exactly of the same stature."

I stare at him with more confusion than ever. Did he just say he loves me? But what has Hannah got to do with this? "Wait, what did you mean were are not of the same stature? Haven't we've been friends since the time you loved picking your nose and eating your boogers to taunt me?" I said laughing.

"You're fuckin rich,Alex. I know you hate that and being called that and all, and you do not flaunt that, but you are! You really are that."

"What's that got to do with love?"

"What's love but a second hand emotion?" He replies singing and we both started laughing. Serious conversations have no place in our friendship.

"Seriously, I'm just too intimidated by the whole thing. Like what can I offer you that you can't afford? Anyway," he continues. "I wanted to tell you that I love you after a week or two from the time we met again at New York. I should have! And now, I see you with Harry and that confirms my feelings for you because I seriously wanted to punch the lights out of him." He rests his head on his hands and chuckles, shaking his head. "I followed you here hoping I'll have the opportunity to tell you, then I see you with Harry fuckin Styles, in the pool, where both of you are barely clothed, locked in an embrace."

"Ahhhh!" I shake my head in disbelief at everything I heard. Ok, he just said he loves me. That should make me happy, right? Isn't that what I wanted to hear 5 years ago? But why did he mention Hannah. "Im confused." I say. "What has Hannah got to do with your confession? Don't tell me you got her pregnant?" I laughed and looked at him.

He just stared back, inhaled deeply, and looked at the ground. Shit. My life is a fuckin telenovela.