More Than This

I am Not a Child

The tension in the room is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Awkward silence. My eyes dart among the three boys in the room. No one is saying anything just stares. Josh' ears are red by now. Not a good sign. Somebody please say something to break the deafening silence!

Allen clears his throat. "Uhm, Lexie, can I talk to you privately?"

I open my mouth to speak but gets interrupted by Josh. "I want to talk to her first," he says as he walks towards me and grabs my wrist. He yanks my arm leading me towards my room. It is pretty obvious that he is angry.

"Wait," I hear Harry say. He probably sensed something's wrong.

I stop walking and turn to Harry. "It's fine." I give him a faint smile.

I hear the door bang as soon as We enter my room.

"What is your problem?" My tone higher than usual. I pull my arm frim his grip and push him away.

"No, what is your problem?" Josh retorts. "What are you doing with yourself? You've turn into this... this..."  He pauses as he looks away.

"This what?!" I shouted demanding he complete his sentence.

"I'm sorry, Is everything OK?" Harry says as he opens the door.

"It's fine," I assured him. This will be nothing but a verbal tussle. I don't need saving. I got this shit handled. "Just please leave us alone fir now, Harry."

Worry and confusion is obvious on Harry's face, but he respects my wishes and closes the door.

I cross my arms and look back at Josh with disdain. I don't like what he is implying. He approaches me and both his hands hold my arms. He looks at me with softer eyes this time, like he is about to cry.

"I get it Alex. I get it. You like Harry, but please, don't throw yourself at him like this. This is not you."

My eyes widen at disbelief over what he just said. "What?! What you're talking about, and I don't like what you are implying." I say as I remove his hands on me.

"Oh please, look at you! Look at those marks on your neck!"  He points the obvious. "You don't even know this guy that well!" He rakes his hair and looks down. I can see him balling his hands into a fist.

"Shut up, Josh! I'm not a child!" I pace around my room. I want to seriously punch Josh in the face. "You know what, if it would have been you, I'm sure you would not be talking that way." My voice is shaking. Is he implying I'm a slut?

He shakes his head and fake laughs. "Yeah, good thing I'm not him because you know what, I don't two time."  Did he just say "two time"?  "I just saw him days ago. He's with someone else, Alex! Do you know that?" His voice is shaking. "That girl we saw at the airport, remember?"  What? My heart feels like it has just been squeezed. "And just so you know, she is his girlfriend!"

I'm too stunned to say anything. I feel like my chest is in fire. "Why are you telling me this?"  Why is he deliberately hurting me? "Do you think this will make me like you more?" Tears started to fall on my cheeks. "Get out Josh," I say firmly. "And tell Harry to leave as well.  I don't want to see any of you."

I look at Josh through my tears and he attempts to console me but I shun him. I walk towards the window and stare at nothing. "Get out, please! " I say through my tears.

I hear the door click.

I sit on my bed, my face burried on my hands. Feels like my world is crashing down. How can I be happy when I knew at the back of my head that I really did not know Harry well enough. I had been always cautious, but with Harry, I was careless. Harry. Harry has a girlfriend.

Fuckthisshit.

-----

I wake up to a dark room. Is it not morning yet? I look at the time, 9:00 pm. My head feels heavy and I have a pounding headache. I must have slept from too much crying.

I get up from my bed and made way to my kitchen.  I hear the TV as I open my bedroom door. Didn't I tell these jerks to go home?  I walk towards the TV and I see Allen. I sit beside him and he got a bit startled.

"Hey," he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. I rest my head on his chest and as if on cue, tears fall again. He hugs me and rubs my back to comfort me. "Hush now," he says. "Don't waste your tears. Save some for when I die." He chuckles. "Josh told me everything. Don't hate him.  If you have to, direct it to Hairy boy." He laughs at his own joke.

I pretended not to hear that. "I'm hungry, did you cook?" I want to be distracted from all this madness.

"Nope. But had take out."  Allen stood and goes to the fridge. "Here, eat dessert first, while I reheat the pizza." He gets a tub of my favorite Ben and Jerry's ice cream. He then gets graham crackers and crushes these and sprinkled it on top of the ice cream. "Just the way you like it! Panacea for the broken hearted," he says as he kisses the top of my head and messes with my hair. 

In times like this, I wish I was a child, whose heartaches can just melt away with ice cream.