Just Grey: In a Black & White World

5 - He's Working

Unknown -

          The air rushing all around me was exhilarating. If anything - the slightest misplacement or the simplest sudden stop - were to happen that wasn't supposed to, I could be dead in minutes. Nothing but the hard helmet on my scalp could protect me, and it felt exhilarating.

The risks in my life were what kept me slightly sane. They help me feel alive for once. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be who I am.

I was where I wanted to be in mere minutes that felt like seconds. Parking my bike and throwing my helmet around the right handle, I wasn't worried about anyone stealing it. No one ever came here except for me.

In three thousand, nine hundred twenty-two days straight, I haven't seen one person here to visit their loved ones. The only person other than me that's been here my entire life, that I can remember, was my mother.

But that was why I was here.

Letting my feet lead the way, my body was pulled to the left side of the huge, yellow lot. I walked on the under-nurtured grass past each unloved rectangular space.

There were tens, dozens, maybe even hundreds of them. All of these forgotten souls. How could no one come to talk to their lost ones? Was no one in this town sane?

Or was I the insane one?

Being here made me feel so many things. But I wouldn't ever let myself turn around.

Stopping in front of the familiar patches of grass, I crouched down and balanced on the balls of my feet.

To my right, I noticed that one of the red and white azaleas' pedals on the sun-facing side were wilting. Subconsciously, my hands reached to turn it around and fix it to make it prettier. Most of the flowers were starting to turn darker, browner shades as well. I made a mental note to bring back some new ones tomorrow.

To my left, the flowers were mostly still fresh-looking. But I would bring back more anyways.

"Don't worry, I promise you'll be looking fresh and red again tomorrow."

She used to say that he was a dream boat who wouldn't go a day without wearing some kind of red. He didn't own a single article of clothing that had no red in it. Of course, as a little kid, I believed that, but as I aged I knew it was just a joke about his color fetish.

I turned back to my left, "And you'll forever stay young, Love. As long as I'm alive, you'll never grow old. I promise you that."

My legs slid out in front of me until I was sitting on the ground. "There's a new kid again, finally. Remember when I told you we haven't had one in a while? Yeah, it's been three weeks, but we finally got one, haha. He seems chill, simple. But pretty much like everyone else there, so nothing new. I'll probably introduce myself tomorrow and make him feel welcome. It's the courteous thing to do, haha."

My body was a dead weight leaning against the gravestone to my right as I faced the parking lot. A gust of wind breezed by, chilling my arms, but nothing in comparison to the ice cold feeling gravestones. I would be fine.

Summers here were really confusing. Generally, it was a colder state, not to the point where you're an ice block in winter, but close to that. Late springs and early summers were always the warmest times of the year. By this time, though, it was basically an early fall. I liked the cold though.

"I did catch the kid staring at me while I danced today, though. It wasn't like the judgmental stare that most new kids or strangers give me, but I didn't feel very comfortable under his gaze either. I didn't like it, and by the time I was completely done, it was one-thirty anyways. I don't think I'll go back to work today, though. After dancing to 'Supermarket Flowers' again, I don't want to be all sappy around dozens of people, even if they are my family..." I sighed.

"Not even Owen could make me feel like I'm truly safe and at peace. I feel bad saying that, though, because he practically raised me. But I just can't relax anymore. Nothing makes me tranquil. And I'd hate to ruin the good environment that Owen and the dolphins have built by showing up all depressed. But, you know, I guess that's not really a new thing for us, right?" I laughed shortly, swirling a stick around in the dirt.

"I'm so sorry for being such a disappointment. I wish I could've handled things differently, that I could've been stronger and more positive. I wish that I was wiser and carefully thought things through before.... I wish that I could make better decisions...I wish that I made better decisions. I wish I was like you."

Checking my cheeks for tears, I whispered, "Just have faith in me, please. Put in a good word for me with the big guy, alright? I know he's probably not so amazed with me," I coughed, "Hah, who am I kidding? Y'all probably can't even stand to see me around you anymore. I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

I rubbed my hands over the freezing gravestones, trying to make them a little warmer. They deserve better.

My head tilted towards the sky, trying to look for anyone up there. Closing my eyes, I whispered, "I hope you can forgive me too. Just please. Help me get through the gray areas."

I patted the dirt beside me before standing up and stepping back. The small little heart drawn in the dirt between the two stones was nothing less than a metaphor.

The smallest one, in the middle, so close to the ones she needed the most, yet so damn far.

And on day three thousand, nine hundred twenty-three, I repeated the same words I had said every day before, "I'll see you guys tomorrow."

~

      The house seemed empty. The familiar rugged blue pickup wasn't in the driveway and neither was the modern Prius. All that was there was my motorcycle that I had parked in the garage.

But I knew better than to relax around here.

Taking careful steps, I checked each room for a face, but found none.

Finally taking a deep breath, I knew no one was home.

I wandered into the dining room and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the table, not surprised that it was just sitting out in plain sight. Not bothering with a cup, I unscrewed the cap and tossed my head back, allowing the sensation to hit me quickly.

Nothing new to my tastebuds, as my body was used to this and I knew it would take a while for anything to sink in.

I went down the short hallway that had my room on the end of it. The throw up on the wall and floor from last night was starting to stain so I quickly grabbed a rag and began cleaning it, trying to get it over with.

Finishing, I put my supplies away and finally sat on the bed.

Raising the vodka bottle in the air, I mumbled, "Cheers to another lonely night in this fucking house," and chugged it.

~

Aw. It's getting sad.

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From now on, I will be publishing two chapters a week. You can expect an update every Tuesday :)

Wear your underwear. Until next time, my lovelies.

- k a t e