Reverse Dipcifica Oneshots

Drunken Performance

Listen to the song while you read this. Hope y'all enjoy!

Pacifica walked into the place she was sure Dipper was. Mabel had told her that he went out for a drink after his and hers little argument. She knew he was certainly going to be drunk and she was certain that she had to take him home.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I typically don't perform on the streets, I only do this at the Tent of Telepathy, but I'm feeling extremely considerate tonight!"

The voice, that Pacifica knew was Dipper's, was followed by a thunderous applause. "Alright alright, now does anyone have a speaker- ah, never mind,"

Pacifica walked into the bar and saw him, on top of the bar holding a microphone. He snapped his fingers and music seemed to play from who knows where. He chuckled and held the microphone close to him. "Let me tell you about a girl I know," he grinned, "Had a drink about a hour ago, sitting in a corner by herself, in a bar in downtown hell. She heard a noise and she looked through the door,"

Pacifica couldn't believe it, she'd never expected Dipper to be like this when he was drunk. But his voice was extremely well, considering he was drunk.

"And saw a man she'd never seen before. Light skin, light blue eyes, a double-chin and a plastic smile. Well, her heart raced as he walked in the door and took an empty seat next to her at the bar, 'My brand new car is parked right outside how'd ya like to go for a ride?' And she said 'Wait a minute I have to think'." He nearly dropped the microphone but luckily caught it. "He said, 'that's fine. May I please buy you a drink'. One drink turned into three or four and they left and got into his car and they drove away someplace real far."

Pacifica looked around and realized that people were cheering this on. She wasn't entirely surprised. But she was wondering if this little story actually happened to a girl he knew.

"Now babe the time has come, how'd ya like to have a little fun? And she said 'if we could only please be on our way, I will not run'." He took a small sip of his drink and looked at the crowd with wild eyes, "That's when things got out of control. She didn't want to, he had his way. She said, 'let's go', he said, 'no way!'. Come on babe it's your lucky day, shut your mouth, we're gonna do it my way. Come on baby don't be afraid, if it wasn't for date rape I'd never get laid." He realized he was out of whatever he was drinking, luckily someone filled his cup up before he even had to ask.

Pacifica was actually interested in the story, wanting to know the ending. She watched as he nearly fell off his makeshift stage. "He finished up and he started the car, he turned around and drove back to the bar. He said 'now baby don't be sad, in my opinion you weren't half-bad'. She picked up a rock, threw it at the car, hit him in the head, now he's got a big scar. Come on party people won't you listen to me. Date rape stylee.

"The next day she went to her drawer, looked up her local attorney at law. Went to the phone and filed the police report and then she took the guy's ass to court." He chuckled humorouslessly. "Well, the day he stood in front of the judge he screamed, 'she lies that little slut!'. The judge knew that he was full of shit and he gave him twenty five years and now his eyes are filled with tears."

Pacifica rolled her eyes, but made a reminder to herself to ask him about the story tomorrow when he wasn't drunk as hell. "One night in jail it was getting late, he was butt-raped by a large inmate, and he screamed but the guards paid no attention to his cries." This time he actually laughed. "That's when things got out of control, the moral of the date rape story, it does not pay to be drunk and horny. But that's the way it had to be they locked him up and threw away the key."

He spilled his drink and sighed. "Well, I can't take pity on men of his kind, even though he now takes it in the behind."

Pacifica choked on her water.

"But that's the way it had to be," he started speeding up his words, "they locked him up and threw away the key. Well, I can't take pity on men of his kind, even though he now takes it in the behind. Date rape!" He tossed his glass away and laughed. "She didn't want to, she didn't want to, she didn't want to, she didn't want to. Take it!"

The crowd exploded in applause, and Dipper gave a reasonable bow before collapsing. Pacifica raced toward the bar to grab him. He sat up and waved to the crowd. "Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here next Thursday!" He slurred. Then he noticed Pacifica. "Heeeeey Pazzzzzzie."

"Not now, Dipper, let's get you home." He helped him stumble toward her car. "And you're telling me that whole story tomorrow when you're sober, got it?" She looked at him in the passenger seat, and he was out cold. Pacifica shook her head and started the car, "night, Dipper. It was fun to see you perform."