Dancing In the Dark - an Austin Porter fanfic

#Chapter 20 - So Sick

It's been almost two months since the day I got up on stage in that rehearsal and froze. Since then i've tried again a couple of times, but every single time the same happened, I froze and I can't perform. By the second time I got up on a stage after de accident it was worse than the first time, in that day I frozed, I had de feeling that the air couldn't get to my lungs, I couldn't breathe and I was not able to get off the stage like the first time. By the third time it got even worse, that time I started to see things around me blurry and I got dizzy, luckly Tony was there and he noticed, cacthing me before I fell. I should had stopped by the third try but I didn't, I was too afraid that I would lose my career, and I still am. So I tried some more times but it was useless and one day I realized it was time for me to stop the performances for a while. 6 weeks ago I had an emergency meeting with Simon because of what happened. He seemed suspicious about what was happening with me, I would be lying if I said he wasn't worried, he was, I am, we both know that I can't have a career if I can't perform, there is no way my career can survive only with studio versions.

"You have to go see a psychiatrist..." - Simon said and I opened my mouth in shock.

"A psychiatrist? Why?" - I asked confused

"Because I'm think that the trauma you went through might be the cause of your block on stage." - He naturally explained. I looked at him without knowing what to say, but I had to understood what is happening with me.

"You're right." - I simply said.

"I'll scheduled an appointment with a good psychiatrist and I'll let you know then." - he concluded. - "Untill we figure this out and find a way to solve it, no one must know what's happening, let's pretend everything is fine." - he explained

"But people will start talking and asking about it... How are we going to keep this lowkey?" - I asked

"Let's release the new song earlier than we were planing to, that will buy us some time. And you can say you're working on an album and that's why the performances stopped... It's not a complete lie, we are working on the album, but because of this we will have to focus more on that untill you can perform again. But I want you to keep trying, I'm going to schedule some private rehearsals with the team." - he suggested

"That's a good idea, thanks Simon." - I said and I was being honest, as soon as this happened he took a flight to Atlanta to meet with me and find a way to make keep my career working.

"You're welcome, being you boss also means to help you and make sure that things are on track. Once you know what is happening we will talk again." - he gave me a little smile and I smiled back.

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That was my conversation with Simon, when I spoke with him I told him everything about the problems to perform, but I never told him about was going on out of that, what was happening on my daily basis. Since I realized I couldn't perform my life as been a hell, I got to used to this life, every day I see Katrina rising and trying to replace me. Every night I get nightmares, I'm constantly remembering what happened in the day of the accident. I close my eyes at night and try to sleep but I always remember every detail of it, I end up staying awake throught the night. I didn't stopped trying to perform just because it was "useless". I did it because I was afraid people started to realized my behavior. Because I haven't sleep much I always have dark circles under my eyes that I try to hide with makeup, I'm constantly shaking because I feel my body wanting to colapse since I don't sleep, the caffeine from all the coffee I drink to stay awake it's messing with my nervous system. Every time I tried to perform I saw that I was getting worse, I could feel the eyes of everyone on me like if they were waiting me to colapse. I knew that once that happened in front of them there would be no way back, I would become a target, a weak one, and easy to replace. When I almost passed out on stage I could convinced the team that it was just my blood pressure that had got too low, but one day I realized, how would I explained if it happened again? So I decided to stop, if I do all of my work in the studio I'm less exposed.
Simon, Tony and I are trying to keep this lowkey even for the team, the less people know, the better. I didn't even told the the boys, sometimes they ask when is my next performance and I just tell them that I don't know because I had a lot of studio work lately... It's not that I don't trust them, I just don't know exactly how to tell them that I might lose what they helped me start, and I don't know if I can handle them telling me over and over that everything is going to be fine, even if I want or need someone to tell me that, because the truth is that, I don't know if everything will be fine. A week ago I went to see the psychiatrist. It was a women around 40 years old.