Trying To Endure

Chapter Twenty-Five

SONG: Rag'n'Bone Man - Bitter End

Trigger warning: sexual assault

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April Levesque

"I think ... I think it was loneliness," I tell Dr Saelim, a South East Asian; my therapist. "I clung to Roy as if my life depended on it."

Since Mike's death, I have been attending a couple of therapy sessions. I stopped after the first month, as I did not find any comfort or closure. Mum requested to resume it the second she found out about my panic attack.

It is refreshing to see my old therapist.

"It felt good when I humiliated him in front of a crowd. But I wish I fucking slapped—" I instantly halt with a sheepish simper. "Sorry."

Dr Saelim raises her hands. "This is a room where you can let everything out, April. There is no harm in cursing."

The room is prepossessing and mellow: small; cerulean-blue encasements; two sofas of polka-dotted blankets and cushions; a large, glorious fish tank, clear water, a Siamese fighting fish, goldfishes and blue tangs.

I cross my legs on the sofa. Dr Saelim heartened me to feel snug. "On the bright side, Roy got what he deserves. He's in prison now ... I feel it's not enough? I need something more." My hands fisted so hard, blood might drip. "I want to see him suffer."

Those words taste so abnormal and foul on my tongue, so foreign to my soul.

"He will suffer," promises Dr Saelim. "Prison isn't a very beguiling experience, particularly for assaulters and little boys. Do you ... Do you feel strange for being with him after what he has done?"

"Do I hate myself?"

"Yes."

"Yes," I echo. "I do."

Dr Saelim smiles sadly. "As much as it happens — in fact, you might be surprised how common this is amongst your age or any age for that matter —, there is no place to hate yourself."

"But I'm smarter than that, Dr Saelim. I could've done better. I just foolishly depended on hope, and that makes it ten times worse. I depended on a guy to make me happy. It sounds ridiculous and nauseating even admitting it."

"Was he usual self after he was drunk?"

"Sort of. I don't know, I saw him differently since then."

Dr Saelim nods, compassionate. "You truly do not know people, until you ticked their limit."

Exactly. It disturbs me how ... hallucinating one can be.

"Also ... I found out horrible things about my ex-friends and I just feel so, so stupid. Shouldn't I know the things they've done?"

"Well, as you said, they did this behind closed doors. It's okay."

"It's not. I was raised to not be silent because the world is a coward."

Aashvi is a conformist. She does things for white validation. I noticed that. Once, at fifteen, a few girls said the n-word. I confronted them and told them to apologise. Aashvi hissed at me to leave it, that the circumstance raised tension, and apologised to the girls for 'my behaviour'. In a way, doesn't that make her racist? For passively ignoring?

Destiny and Camila body-shames girls. Aashvi does, too, when her anger is peaked. Camila hates being in the wrong. Destiny doesn't care and says whatever is on the tip of her nails.