Trying To Endure

Chapter Ten

SONG: Annie Lennox - I Put A Spell On You

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Derek Matthews

The Hindu Rishi Maharaj sits opposite me, her brown skirt elongating to her ankles, hair in a stunning low ponytail, henna adorning her arms, hands and fingers. The room is comfortably diminutive: grey-painted walls, purple sofas, a wooden table, her mug of coffee.

"I'll relapse."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

The clock ticks. I twist a ring. "I wasn't around anything in Saint Maximilian Kolbe. Now I am. When I finish school, my aunt's rules won't have any control."

"It's not controlling, Derek. It's help."

"Right. But life is a joker. Anything can happen."

"And anything can be fought. You are so sure of this, do you realise it's a dead-end?"

"Limiting beliefs makes us inflexible," I recite in a mutter, reminiscing Dr Khondu.

Dr Maharaj nods. "You're strong, Derek. For you, this will be very straightforward. You can handle this. Remember what we thoroughly discuss all the time?"

"It takes twenty-one days to create a new habit," I recite. "Continue the habit for ninety to two-hundred-and-fifty-four days to adequately reprogram the subconscious."

Our subconscious brain is incessantly programmed from the music we listen to, the food we eat, the movies we watch, the content we are educated on, from simply everything in the universe, all up to approximately the age of seven.

Your personality is the past, and the past becomes our culture. Our reality is a reflection of what is within. To change our habits, to change our beliefs, to achieve better mental health — something I've been wishing for weeks now; I'm really sick of being so fucking depressed all the time — we must alter our paradigms.

"How is your work ethic going?"

I have been re-conditioning myself with new and better affirmations, visualisations and meditations since rehab. "I never missed a day."

She smiles. "Excellent. Keep going. As I mentioned many times — to succeed, to change for a better future, you must change your current self-schemas. Enforce it with action. It is hard at first, but if you discipline yourself, the routine will be procedural. What have you been doing in the meantime?"

"Things I enjoy, as you suggested." I shrug. "Anything that takes up time."

She hesitates at my response, tapering her gaze. "What's your goal, Derek?"

"To not fuck up."

"Yes, but ... Any material goals? It sounds like you are getting bored."

I crumble into silence. I suppose I need enlivening fulfilment.

"Well, that's my task for you. Go home and plan your future. You are very lucky. You are part of a minority group that takes up less than one per cent of the human population who can gain physical abundance, no matter the costs." She picks up her mug, gently sipping. "Do you have an idea of what career you want to pursue?"

"I want to take over the Industry."

Dr Maharaj's eyebrows tweak up. "I see ... Can you tell me why?"

The clock ticks. "I want to help people." She smiles at the honesty. "I ... I want people to not give up. Be a role model, maybe, specifically to children. Maybe use my platform to abolish inequalities." I hesitate at the last sentence. "I don't know if I can do that."