I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

A Sixty Mile Radius

Hey guys! So this chapter is a little dull and very short, but I needed something transitional because I feel like this is a big life change for Case and her feelings shouldn't be skipped over.

Thank you for reading, as always. And your comments are so so appreciated and continue to give me life and are a major motivation in keeping this thing going! Thank you so much! 

Casey sat back in the chair and crossed her arms, pissed that Dean was right. She wished she was angry to the point where she didn't think he was at all, but she was painfully aware of the validity in his point. And, really, what harm would it be to her to just take a pill every day in an attempt to maybe feel a little bit better. Was that really such a bad thing? And why did it piss her off so much? Was it pride, or embarrassment that she couldn't force herself to feel better on her own? She tried to think about if one of her brothers was having this issue. As she pulled the idea closer, the protective part of her brain was ready to shove the image out again, but she forced herself to at least picture it enough to consider her own reaction.

If one them was hurting and couldn't get it better on their own, she would want to do anything she could to help them, even if they hated it. She would never judge Sam or Dean if they were to take a medication- but would encourage it if they thought it might help in the slightest. She understood where they were coming from, but having them gang up against her made her feel small, like a child who couldn't take care of herself, even though that wasn't what they were saying at all. She felt helpless. She was doing everything she could to feel better. She was talking to her brothers or Cas if she needed to, she was immersing herself in her hobbies when they weren't hunting, and eating rabbit food and drinking more water and less Red Bull. She started journaling, for Christ's sake. She was doing everything her or her family could think of that might help pull her out of this funk, yet here she was. In retrospect, she hadn't been working on it that long compared to how long she'd been struggling with it all, but her recent development into suicidality didn't say very good things about their 'home remedies'.

So she sat next to Dean, avoiding eye contact with both of the boys as Sammy searched on his laptop, presumably for a psychiatrist to dope her up and send her home. They were both waiting for her to say something, but there was nothing to say. She'd lost the battle. She was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. They day's admissions had drained her. Casey mumbled quietly, but loud enough so they could hear her, "Can I go to bed?" After a pause she added, "Please?"

She didn't have to look up to know that they were silently communicating with each other, and she knew that if she saw it taking place it would piss her off that much more. Their hesitation was understandable; their baby sister had just confessed to wanting to kill herself and now she wanted to go and be alone in her room. Those didn't seem like good circumstances to allow her solitude in, especially after she'd just gotten some modicum of it back.

But she had been upfront about her feelings. If she wanted to act on it right away, wouldn't she have kept it secret and not asked for help? But also she had asked for help. Was that her way of telling them she needed to be kept a closer eye on, even if it was a subconscious request? Sam's head spun. He wasn't usually the one to crave a stiff drink after something went awry, but he felt probably along the lines of what Dean was thinking too. There was so much to think about, and the silence was getting awkward. He noticed Casey's arms pull in tighter around herself, a clear sign of discomfort and vulnerability. She looked so tiny. He could remember her as a baby and visiting her at Bobby's until she was old enough to come with them. Her hair was almost as dark as John's then, but her eyes were still the same piercing green. He never would have guessed that this was where they would be fifteen years later.

Dean's face was unreadable. He didn't want to tell her no, but could he trust her enough to leave her alone? No, it wasn't a matter of trust necessarily, but more a question of faith. Did he have faith in God, and herself, to keep her safe? He decided he had just enough.

"Yes." Casey looked up, relief flooding her features. "But," he began, her face grew wary quickly. "The door has to be open and we're going to check on you randomly. You won't know when." He saw Casey's face grow sad, but accepting, as she looked back down. "Hey, kiddo," he waited for her to look back at him before he continued. "This is only to keep you safe, alright?" Casey nodded. Dean offered a comforting smile. "Alright. Get outta here, you look exhausted. You really do need a nap."

Casey weakly smiled back and looked at both of her brothers. "Thanks, guys."

"Love you, sweetheart," Sam said in response as she walked out of the room. The minute he heard her footsteps get far enough to silence he fixed Dean with a panicked glare. "What the hell, Dean? Do you really think that's the best move?"

Dean leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hands. "Sammy, I don't think there is a 'best move' in this case. I think this was the best I could come up with before it got weird."

"Of course it got weird! This isn't exactly an everyday conversation. Everything about it is weird."

"We were scaring her. She was scared. Couldn't you see that on her face? The kid is terrified, and that long ass pause wasn't helping. She risked every ounce of trust we've given her in the past two months by coming out here and telling us what's really up. Yeah, we obviously gotta backtrack on some of that trust, but if we take it all away again she's gonna feel like a freak." Dean removed his hands from his face and looked at his brother. "She's gonna feel alone, and we can't have that right now."

Sam considered what Dean was saying. He did have a point. "I guess we do walk past her room to get to either of ours." Dean nodded as Sam began to understand his compromise. "And random check-ins will give her enough awareness of being watched without being completely supervised." Sam sat with the idea. He was frustrated; he was usually the cooler one when it came to matters like this. He was usually the one who had more faith that everything would be okay and Dean was the one who went in guns blazing, and now he was the one who was willing to give Casey space enough to take a nap and Sam was the one bitching at Dean for not hovering enough. The role-reversal was uncomfortable. "How do you want to arrange these random check-ins? What's the time frame?"

Dean shrugged. "I figured we'd go whenever one of us got anxious to the point of being unable to stand not knowing if she's alright." Sam snorted a small laugh. Dean was glad to have pulled that out of his brother at least. He leaned forward and set his hands on his knees. "I don't know about you, but I need a drink. You?"

Sam sighed and turned back to his computer, glancing anxiously at the list of doctors within a sixty mile radius that might be able to help his sister, then looked back at his brother. "Yeah. Make it a double."