I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

She's a Badass

How are there this many of you guys actually interested in what I'm writing?? This is INSANE. Thank you so, so much for all of your support and comments and continuing to read and follow this little story of mine.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update! There's a lot of shit going on at home (I'm okay, just nauseatingly stressed) and I haven't been at work but I'm working this week so here's what we got!

I know this one is short, but there's going to be another update either tomorrow or the day after (Friday or Saturday 4/21-4/22) because I'm already halfway through it, but to add it to this one would have made it weirdly long compared to every other chapter. So I know this is a bit dull, but hold your horses! And please keep commenting and liking and overall being rad. I love you!

As always, if you need support for literally anything (anything), text GO to 741741 and they will text you back. It's a super awesome text only crisis line and the volunteers are so friendly I've used it a bunch of times. 

"So we tour the sub-basement, then?" Dean asked before taking a large bite of burger.

Sam shut his laptop. "It's probably our best bet. See if we can find any clues or see her or something."

"We aren't the target audience though, Sam. We need to find a couple," Casey pointed out. Sam frowned and looked at Dean. Dean winked and blew him a kiss.

"Yeah, not happening." He snorted, looking amused. "And you are not bringing some co-ed down there and scarring her for life," he said firmly.

"I wouldn't scar a co-ed. I prefer to think of what we'd do as a nice memory she looks back on with a glimmer in her eyes." When Sam didn't laugh and Casey gagged, Dean rolled his eyes. "Okay, so we don't have a couple. How do we piss her off so she comes out then? Go down swinging iron?"

"Oh, yeah, because that always works out so well," Casey said sarcastically.

"Got any better ideas then?" Dean retorted.

Casey rolled onto her stomach, her face brightening as a thought hit her. "Actually, I do." She sat up excitedly. She adored beating her brothers to an idea, it made her feel useful, something she'd felt she lacked since before she started self harming. "Since a bunch of murders have happened down there and college kids love to get drunk and make crappy choices to go off to known haunt sites, why don't we follow a couple down? Tomorrow is Friday night, prime drinking time. Someone is bound to go to the sub." She waited for one of the boys to shoot her idea down, but neither of them made a motion to, which made her even more ecstatic.

"Should we really allow some kids to put themselves at risk?" Sam mulled over, slightly dampening her excitement, but she had a rock solid argument to defend her case.

"They're going to put themselves at risk anyways. At least this time we'll be there to stop something bad from happening."

Dean crumpled up the wrapper to his burger and shot it into the waste basket across the room. "Sounds like a plan to me, eh, Sammy?" Dean stood and began to rifle through his bag, producing a pair of pajama pants, a toothbrush, and a tube of toothpaste with a gooey top. She'd never understood how both of them could use that foul looking tube so she always brought her own, and was careful to make sure neither of them got their hands on it and gunked it up too. But Dean was getting ready for bed. Casey was happy her idea was chosen because it meant she was right, but mainly she was happy it was chosen because that meant she could finally sleep. She pulled her backpack up from beside the bed and pulled out a tank top and some cotton shorts.

"That could work. But if nobody goes down tomorrow night then I want to figure out a different plan. I don't want to stay away too long." Then he added in a lower voice that only Dean was meant to hear, "Cas is already worried. He's called twice." Casey hadn't heard Sam talk to Cas, but she supposed there must have been a billion opportunities for them to talk that she wouldn't have noticed. Her face burned red and she made sure she continued to look absorbed in her bag. How embarrassing. An angel of the Lord who was fighting a war in Heaven was calling to check on her. She was that nuts. The thought erased every feeling of usefulness she'd managed to conjure up and she felt like a burden once again. Casey's heart sagged in her chest, then surged as she felt a stiff determination fill up from her toes to the top of her skull.

She was never going to disappoint any of them ever again.

When it was clear they were done talking about the hunt Casey stood and moved toward the bathroom. "I'm going to shower and get ready for bed," she said quietly. She wasn't usually one to shower at night, but it had been enough family bonding for her and a break was necessary, plus she wanted space to figure out how she was going to make sure she did her little family proud. She also knew her brothers were going to want to exchange notes on her feelings and worries and triggers or whatever. Half the time when Sam spoke about her lately he sounded like he was quoting directly from the DSM 5. She turned to exit the main room, but Sam stopped her.

"Casey," he said in a knowing tone. She turned back toward him and saw that he was sending a silent reminder to her with his eyes. Body checks.

She sighed. "One minute." She stepped in the bathroom and put on her camisole and shorts then called for Sam. He knocked on the door before entering. They'd been doing this routine daily for over a week and he still looked just as sheepish and she still felt just as humiliated as she repeated the thorough pattern. Stick out and rotate arms, lift up shorts and turn, then lift up shirt and turn. As embarrassing as it was, it still felt good to see her brothers' faces every day when they saw she was still clean. They lit up like Christmas. She looked up at Sam to see his satisfied smile when she was done exhibiting her skin. He looked up at her with his hazel eyes, holding all the brotherly love in the world.

"Thanks, kiddo."

He nodded toward the shower curtain and Casey pulled it back. He wanted to make sure there were no misplaced shavers or anything against The Rules inside. He smiled up at her and handed her a monogrammed Men of Letters towel before shutting the door.

Sam turned toward Dean's expectant face. "And?" he asked when Sam didn't say anything right away.

"All clear," Sam confirmed. Dean let out a breath of relief. He was proud of his baby sister. She was fighting more monsters in her head every day than they would probably see in the real world in their entire lives. She was a freaking badass. "How do you think she did today?" Sam asked.

"I think she's okay. She seems tired. It's nine and she's already getting ready for bed."

"It makes sense that she's tired, though. We haven't really been out doing anything recently. Even for a couple weeks it'll make muscles start to tighten. Plus she's emotionally raw with no out. That's gotta be exhausting."

"What'd Cas say?" Dean stood and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"He mostly just yelled at us for going on a hunt again. He didn't call you?" Sam was surprised. Castiel and Dean had always shared a more profound bond than the two of them had.

Dean shrugged. "'Course he did. I didn't answer my phone." Sam quietly laughed. Worried as he was, he knew it was right for her to be on a hunt again. He could see how tired she was and he could see that she was terrified that something might set her off, but he could also see how she was trying. He was happy that he was gradually becoming able to identify in when she was feeling uncomfortable. She would chew the inside of her cheek and scratch the back of one leg with the opposing foot. That was her tell, but he noticed that the foot would stop if one of them moved in a little closer to her, as though it alleviated some of her anxiety. Dean sipped loudly on his beer. "You know, Sammy, she's a badass."

Sam grabbed a beer off the counter and raised it to Dean. "I'll drink to that."