I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

Awesome.

Casey was asleep in the backseat and Dean was asleep shotgun, leaving Sam to drive. He was honestly glad to be mostly alone. He didn't sleep much in the bunker anymore knowing that Casey could be less than alright. If she could figure out such an obscure way to relapse once he knew, if she got desperate enough, she could figure it out again. Since he was awake at night, though, he should have alone time. The problem was, Dean also couldn't sleep at night for the same reason. They didn't want to have her have to sleep in the common areas or in one of their rooms because she would go crazy without some privacy, but the little she had was more stressful to the boys than they would ever tell her.

Dean and Sam had worked out shifts in the day to sleep, when she was forced to be out of her room already. They gave her space and would sit decently far from her if she wanted to be left alone, but not privacy. It was easy to tell when one of them needed a break. They already had their silent communication down, but Dean's tell was when he started to start speaking aggressively towards Sam. He would try and keep it to a minimum around Casey but she wasn't dumb. Sam would take her out to some book store or a movie or an actually decent restaurant so Dean could get his four hours, maybe more depending on if Casey wanted to be left alone after.

Sam's tell was, not so surprisingly, his hair. If he went more than seventy-two hours without sleep it would start to get out of place and wouldn't tuck behind his ears right anymore. Then his muttonchops would start growing out again and he wouldn't shave them until after he got sleep. It made him feel gross, but that way Dean knew he needed a break without him having to say anything. They would take short naps if she fell asleep on the couch or something, but woke up automatically after a few minutes because they'd be nervous. She'd passed all the body checks besides the one, and he was proud of that, but a big brother/father surrogate's job was never done.

Casey's steady stream of snoring was comforting and Dean's occasional snort was familiar. He didn't even ask Sam to drive, yet when Sam stuck out his hand for the keys he didn't argue. After getting his shoulder popped back in he was no mood to drive, a rarity, and Sam was. He needed something to focus on besides his own thoughts. Falling asleep in the car was never the same as legitimately sleeping and didn't leave anybody feeling refreshed, besides Casey, who could lay down in the back and almost fit comfortably. And although he wasn't nearly as into cars as his brother, he loved the consistent hum of the engine. Casey had learned how to drive when she was twelve and could parallel park like a champ by thirteen. Bobby had taught her in between cars that were so wrecked he had nothing to lose. He didn't like her driving, though. She was only fifteen. She should be carted around like every other kid her age. If she couldn't have a normal childhood she would have whatever similarities they were able to give her, even if she hated them. She'd hunted and killed dozens of monsters and even a couple people already, but she was still a kid. And if that meant he put up a porn block on the internet or made her keep her phone GPS on at all times, he would do it. And although Dean rolled his eyes at his archaic rules, he didn't dispute them and Sam knew he secretly liked them too and was just playing the good cop. Except the porn thing. He hated having to use data to watch his Japanese cartoon porn, but it was a sacrifice he put up with for her sake.

Dean twitched awake with a gasp and slammed his shoulder into the seat hard, making him wince silently, instinctively knowing his baby sister was still asleep. Sam was giving him a sideways look so he waved it off. He'd just woken up funny and Sam did it just as often as he did so he could take his look and shove it.

He slid into an upright position and looked behind him. Casey was asleep, her long hair covering her eyes from the light like she always put it at night. He always forgot how much she looked like Mom, but with darker hair and Sam's nose. He turned. "She been asleep the whole time?"

"Yeah. She's out, man. I'm glad. She needs more than four hours. Have you heard anything from Cas?"

Dean checked his phone. "He texted me before we left asking if she was acting normal. You?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah. He asked if she was acting weird or depressed. He usually just asks if she's 'okay' so it was kind of weird, but so is Cas."

Sam didn't seem to find anything wrong with the texts, but Cas usually only texted one of them at a time. And he'd be willing to bet that they'd gotten texts at almost exactly the same time. "When did you get yours?"

Sam shrugged. "I don't know, around two, two thirty? Why?" Sam looked over at Dean, who was scrolling through his own phone with a tight brow. "Why?" he asked again. Dean was thinking something.

Cas was weird, but if he was going to text both of them he always left a little space in between. He'd wait an hour or so if he hadn't received a reply yet, not two minutes. And who asked if somebody was 'acting normal' or 'weird' if they hadn't been acting strangely before? Depressed was a little specific, but seeing Casey's state of mind as of late it made sense at least. "I think Cas knows something we don't." His brow furrowed even deeper. "Last I checked she was mad at him." He looked up at Sam. "She heard him say she wasn't ready for a hunt a couple weeks ago and hasn't talked to him since. You think he's watching her and saw her slip up or something?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if he was watching her, but she's been clean every time we've checked, Dean. And he would show up and tell us if she'd done something like that and he knew. Has she seemed weird to you?"

"Just excited to hunt. Maybe a little quiet sometimes, but not weird. You?"

"She seems bored, but I wouldn't go as far as to say she's acting depressed. She shows symptoms, obviously, but every time she's had problems lately she's come to one of us."

Dean turned around and saw the lump of her phone in her pocket and silently cursed. She would feel and wake up if somebody even breathed heavily on her skin, and probably wake up swinging like she'd been taught. There was no way he'd be able to sneak that from her. She would've covered her tracks anyway. If she needed Cas she would have prayed and left no trace of conversation. She was smart. She also would have told Cas to keep whatever she'd said away from her brother's ears. All three of the boys had agreed early on that keeping her trust was essential and if she said something should be private they would keep it that way unless it was serious, then it would be known by all of them but kept on the down low. If it was serious he would show up to tell them too, like Sam said. But it felt pretty damn serious to Dean now that he knew something was wrong. They couldn't ask Casey too specifically if something was up, but he supposed they could ask her if she'd been affected by the hunt. But which one of them should do it? She wouldn't answer honestly if it was both of them, it'd be too much pressure. She'd spent more time on the hunt with Sam than him. He knew all the details of how she'd acting during the eleventh hour while Dean was gone with knock off Jenna Jameson or getting his shoulder jacked up. But Dean was the one she'd confessed her relapse to. And he liked to think that he'd been getting better at hiding his anger about the situation.

"I'll text Cas back," he muttered, unable to think of an easier solution while she slept. It took him a minute to think of something significant enough to say, but he finally settled on 'What's wrong with her?' It let Cas know he knew something was up between the two of them and it got his point across easily. All business. He turned to Sam. "What do you wanna do about this?"

Sam focused his eyes harder on the road. "We did a body check last night and the deal was every other day. We don't want her to feel untrusted." He paused before painfully stating, "I guess we're gonna have to wait on Cas."

Dean sighed. "Awesome."