I Really Messed Up, Guys: A Supernatural Self Harm Fic

Three minutes? That's it?

 Heyyyyy folks! Wow I am so so soooo sorry I took this long. I'm going through a lot of shit (powering through though!) so it's taking me a bit longer. Also, I'm binge watching season 12 and I'm trying to finish by next Wednesday so I can have my life ruined by the finale at the same time as everyone else. I'm only on episode 13 though so please play kind.

Okay but I'm exhausted and about to work a 15 hour shift so please be kind and I'll edit tomorrow or something but I love you guys and thanks for sticking around for my ramblings! Please keep commenting because I LOVE IT. Thank you so much! <3 <3 <3

Cas sat beside Casey with his hand awkwardly on her knee as she called Sam back and told him that she'd followed the couple home in case they changed their mind and went back towards the basement, and that she'd had to stop at a gas station nearby for "woman problems" which is what had taken her so long to call. She'd learned long ago that "woman problems" would cancel out any and all questions the boys might have had. As expected, Sam didn't say much.

"Did you, um, buy anything else?" Casey knew what he meant. He meant blades.

She sighed. It was understandable why he was worried, but sometimes it was exhausting. She did have some level of self control. "No, Sammy. I'm good."

She could hear the relief in his exhale. "Okay. Are you coming back soon, then? Nobody else has left in twos."

"Yeah, I'm just a block or two away. I'll be right there." Casey hung up without saying goodbye and looked at Cas. He smiled at her.

"How are you otherwise, Cassandra?" She'd never completely understood why he called her that, but since it was Cas she didn't mind. He never meant to irritate her by it, whereas Sam and Dean only did it when she was either in trouble or they wanted to annoy her. Casey didn't want to disclose how she was to Castiel though. Her brothers were always asking how she was. She always gave the same answer, that she was okay, unless she was truly struggling, in which case she'd come forward on her own terms.

But his face was so genuine, so pure. She reminded herself again that Cas had no malicious intentions towards her. No intention to hurt her or humiliate her or make her feel overall like crap. "It's pretty hard, Cas," she admitted. "I've relied on... it for so long. It's hard to let go. And I would never talk to anybody about it and it feels weird to try. Like, I know none of you are going to hurt me or use this against me, but it's been a secret for so long, you know?" Castiel nodded, although Casey wasn't entirely sure he'd had the experience before. It didn't matter either way, he was listening and that's what she appreciated. He wasn't trying to fix or heal her or make everything better, he was just listening. It was a nice change. "It's hard not having that relief anymore. The boys drink or get laid or go on a hunt, but I don't have those things. We haven't even gone on a hunt since I've had to let go. This one has barely even started. And I'm still having all these feelings and whatever about myself, but now I don't have anything to turn to. It's really hard." She looked at her lap, unable to look in his eyes anymore. It was more than she'd admitted to Dean or to Sam. The confession made her feel much smaller.

"You have us to turn to," Castiel pointed out.

Casey rolled her eyes. That statement was starting to sound like nails on a chalkboard. Obviously her little family was there and more than willing to talk to her. "I need something to myself, though, Cas. You guys say I'm not a burden, but I need to learn to take care of myself too," she explained.

He paused and thought for a moment. There were plenty of times in his long, long life he'd chosen to handle things on his own rather than ask his friends or brothers and sisters, even though it would have been easier for him. The feeling of getting something done on your own felt more rewarding, and he didn't like calling in favors unless he truly needed them. "I understand," said Cas finally. "I will figure out some ways for you to take care of yourself." He didn't understand Casey's mischievous grin at his statement, but decided to continue talking, assuming it was either a reference or a joke he wouldn't understand. "You should get back to Sam. I'll get back to you soon."