But he did. He was too involved. My arm tensed, my fingers flexing around the dice. "Beckett and his crew haven't give you trouble, have they?"
"They have given me trouble from the moment I came to this Academy," he said. "But if you're asking if they've given me more trouble than usual, the answer is no."
I had to change the subject before I let something slip. I was so tired; my thoughts were jumbled and I couldn't trust my own mouth.
"You said you have a boyfriend. What was his name?" Oh, stupid, stupid. That was far too obvious.
"Noah," he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. His gaze dropped, and I saw the flicker of regret in his eyes. His face was sad but determined.
"Not a happy ending, huh?" My words registered with me and I inwardly cringed. "Sorry, that was rude," I said, shaking my head.
"Rude, but not wrong," he said with a shrug. Whatever had happened, he'd made his peace with it. "It's over. No point missing what you can't have."
No, he was just pretending to make his peace with it. Brennan looked sad now, like he was struggling to forget his own happy memories. I wanted to put an arm around him. I wanted to place my hand on his and tell him it was okay to hurt. But this was a struggle I knew nothing about, and I didn't want to make it any harder on him.
"I've never dated anyone." I looked up at the sky, watching the clouds. "I always told my parents I wanted to focus on school. My father was so proud of my determination."
The first time I'd told the lie to him, he'd beamed at me. "I'm glad you're taking your studies so seriously. It's okay if you want to live a normal life, though, Leon. But I'm so proud of your focus," he'd told me.
The exhaustion washed over me and I forced a smile for Brennan. "He was proud of my lie."
My sexuality had haunted me for years. I'd lost sleep over it. I'd pushed meals away, my stomach twisting at the thought of my parents' reaction. The dice was suddenly a comforting weight in my pocket.
"Relationships are overrated," Brennan said, lifting his gaze again. "Although it's nice to have a personal heater in the winter. Also I love when people play with my hair, and boyfriends are good for that."
I wanted to know what that felt like. But I knew that was a luxury for other people. I was glad Brennan got to have it. He deserved it.
"I've never had that," I confessed. "I've never even kissed anyone."
"Hoping Beckett would be your first?" he said.
I couldn't help the small laugh that escaped me. Sure, I'd thought about kissing him. But then I'd thought about the yo-yo he'd shove down my throat after.
"No, no, I knew that would never happen. Maybe no one wants to kiss me. My mom tells me I'm handsome, but I get my looks from her, so she's kind of obligated to say that," I said. Oh, wow, great job, Leon. That didn't sound desperate or anything.
"A first kiss isn't that special. Mine was a friend who kissed me in front of our buses when we were 15. He wasn't my crush, I wasn't his, it was just us saying goodbye." He shrugged.
That was such a Brennan thing. He was perceptive and casual about everything.
"A weird way to say goodbye." I met his eyes and furrowed my brows. How could he be so casual about everything? If someone kissed me, I'd be flustered. "Why didn't he just wave?"
"I gave up wondering about it," he said with a sigh, and I nearly laughed again.
"I always thought it'd be a big deal," I said, giving a sheepish shrug. Maybe I'd watched too many movies. "But now that I think about it, you're probably right."
Brennan stepped forward and tilted my head. Before I could even open my mouth to ask what he was doing, he pressed a quick kiss to my mouth. But that quick kiss, so calm, so casual, so Brennan, stole my breath and shoved my heart into my stomach, beating furiously.
"There, see? Now you've been kissed by a boy, it wasn't special, and that was me saying goodbye." He turned and walked off, my words tangling in my throat.
He disappeared from sight and I slumped against a tree, reaching up and touching my lips with shaky fingers. He'd kissed me. Brennan Kipling. A boy. A boy I was attracted to.
"It wasn't special," I echoed quietly, taking out my dice and rolling it between my hands. I slid to the ground, my hands trembling. "It wasn't special."
I felt something on my cheek and reached up, brushing my fingers against the tear that had rolled down it. I wiped my eyes furiously, my throat choking up again.
I drew my knees up to my chest and pressed my face against it, breathing deeply, rolling the dice around my palms. I was Leon Constance. I was not allowed to break, not allowed to show weakness. I had to keep my composure, no matter what situation I was in.
My father loved me so much. Why? Why did he love me?
I couldn't keep my composure. I had just been kissed by a boy and I liked it. I was weak, weak, weak, gay, a shame to him and he didn't even know it.
I picked my head up, wiping my eyes again. I got to my feet and swallowed down the lump in my throat, brushing my fingers against my lips again. Maybe that would be the only kiss I ever got. I wish I was as strong as Brennan.
I tucked my dice away in my pocket and took a deep breath before walking back out onto the path, shoulders back, head high. I was Leon Constance. I was exhausted, my heart was slamming, my hands were shaking, and Brennan was all I could think about.
But I would carry on and do my duties at this school. I would protect Brennan and Beckett. I would tuck this moment away and cherish that little burst of flustered joy, no matter what happened.
Prompt #3
Start from the beginning
