The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 24

"Do you know where we are at?" I nod knowing she did want me to speak. " This is the place you kissed me. This is the place where my  entire world changed. This is the place I come to almost every night no matter how cold it's been because it reminds me of you. I miss you Lex. I know you are going through hard times right now and I know you feel responsible for taking care of yourself and don't want to take anything from anybody. But Jesus Christ Lexa let me help you. Call it selfish if you want but I don't want you working that second job. I want you home with me. I mean seriously I have seen you less in this last month  than another time and we live in the same house. I don't think either of us are happy with how things are going right now but you can tell me if I'm wrong." She pauses.

"I'm not happy but what's new? It still doesn't explain the whole you not wanting to hold my hand or talk to me or be around me. Lexa if you don't want me to live with you or you're really not happy then tell me so I can leave. But please  don't make me feel like shit because I have enough people to do that. "

"Lexa I" she starts crying. I wasn't expecting that. I pull her in for a kiss because that's the only thing I can thing of. When I pull away I keep my hand on the back of her neck, resting my forehead on hers. "I'm so sorry. Lexa baby I'm so sorry. I don't want you to think for a minute that I don't want living with me. I want you there but more than you are now. The little time we get together isn't enough. I was acting that was to see if you would even notice because in honesty I thought I was loosing you."

"Yes I noticed from the first time you didn't kiss me back in the hallway but you should have talked to me about. And you definitely didn't need to take it that far with Bellamy today."

"You're right I shouldn't have. It was wrong and there is no excuse. But you scared me to death when I turned around and you weren't there. Thank you for at least answering your phone when I called. Well Octavia answer and I don't think she is too happy with me right now." We crack a smile at that.

"Yea I hope she didn't give you too hard of a time."

"She told me just what I needed to hear." I smile.

"I love you."

"I love you too. But I think I would love you more if we were not in this freezing weather." She rubs her hands up and down her arms, shivering.

"You were the one that drove us here." I kiss her.

"I know. I know. Everything is my fault." She jokes taking my hand as we walk down the path..

"You're not wrong. I mean just think about if you weren't so damn attractive I would probably still be in the closet hating myself." I smile but her face goes cold.

"So what your saying is I'm the reason you got kicked and I'm the reason your life went to shit." Well didn't think it was going to go there.

"I'm mean if that's how you see it. I see you as the best thing that has ever happened to me." I spin her around, " Seriously Clarke where would I be if I never kissed you?"

"At home with your family not nearly as stressed out as you are." Her tone is serious.

"I may be less stressed but I wouldn't be home or with a family that loved me. Plus I'd be hating myself and really really unhappy with who I am." We walk the rest of the way hand in hand silent.

"So are we good?" She asks as we reach the car.

"It depends how much your little detour put us off schedule for the movie marathon." I tickle her sides but she's not feeling it. "Clarke yes we are fine. Just promise you will talk to me about it next time." She smiles as I kiss her freezing nose.

"Okay" her smile fades "What does this mean though are you quitting a job?"

"I will talk with Abby about the best option but if I drop a job I might pick up some volunteer work or something. Obviously not for as many hours." She nods and we both get into the car.
On the drive home she holds my hand and I sing her songs the whole way home. She smiles but I can tell she isn't okay. We get there I run over to her door and throw her over my shoulder and walk in side. She is laughing as I carry her all the way to her bed.

"Im going downstairs to get the movies and snacks when I come back up you better be in your pajamas." I grab a pair of sweats of the floor and quickly change. Then sprint down the stairs to make two cups of hot chocolate, grab the chips Clarke bought then to grab the first two movies because that was the plan for tonight. I carry everything up to her room putting in the movie. Clarke is under the covers. I slip off my shirt leaving me in my sports bra and climb in next to her. She snuggles up to me with her head on my chest. I wrap my arms around her pulling her close.