The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 4

"Lexa, please talk to me," Clarke's voice is filled with worry.  

"I can't tell you because that means I have to accept the fact that you did it." 

"Whatever you did you have to accept it because you did it. Now telling so we can figure it out together," her voices is filled with so much care.

"Clarke," I inhale deeply, "Yesterday. I did domething really stupid. I don't know exactly why I did it but I don't know how to handle it and I don't want you to think of me any less. But anyways I cut myself." The last three words were almost impossible to spit out. She is silent for a few moments.

"Lexa," her voice quivers "First, that is not the best way to handle anything but I know what your going through. I use to do it so your not alone and I will help you. Second, can you tell me why you did it?"

Tears are forming in my eyes. "School is jusst getting to me and my parents are on my ass all the time about everything and the pressure is getting to me."

"I hadn't realized that you were under that much stress. I wish you would have told me. I could have helped you."

"It is not your job to help me. I can do it on my own."

"Lexa, obviously you can't do it on your own. And yes it is my job. Your my best friend so it is my job to make sure you are okay and safe. So is there anything else that is causing this?" There's that word again. This time though it truly makes me feel better. I actually believe it this time.

"Umm no. Just school and my parents." What I don' tell her is that I hurt myself because of her. Well not really her but girls in general. I spent most of the day thinking about it and more and more I starting to understand that I might have an attraction to girls. I can't let Clarke know that though because she would probably not be okay with that.

"Lex if there is something else you need to tell me don't be afraid to. Even if there is nothing else right now. I want you to remeber that I am here you always."

"There is nothing else to tell you right now. Thank you for talking to me. I've never really been able to talk to some one like this."

"Not even Anya? I thought you were really close." She made a good point.

"Anya and I have a weird relationship. Plus, if I were to bring her into this she would tell and I don't want that right now." That is true I don't want anyone to know. My parents would flip the hell out.

"I understand. Well I won't tell anyone right now. But if you contiune doing it I will have to step in. Do you understand that?"

"Yes. I do." I did understand. I don't plan on continuing. Then again something about that pain really made everything stop for a bit and that was nice. No I need to stop thinking about that.

"Well in that case. I think you need to get some sleep. So goodnight Lexa I will see you in the morning."

"Goodnight Clarke. Thanks again." With that we hung up.

I fall on to my bed and look up at the ceiling. School is going to be rough tomorrow. It is one thing to talk to someone on the phone but I have no idea what is going to happen at school. Telling Clarke really helped though. I couldn't tell her everything but I don't think I will ever be able to tell her everything. That would mean risking the friendship I have and I can't do that. I start thinking about everything that has happened over the past few days and I finally fall asleep.